(And Special Answers to Questionable Questions)
By Will…I WILL GO FAR!!!…Fargo

Dear Will,
How come you never see pepperoni on anything but pizza? Doesn’t that seem strange to you? I don’t know why, Will, but I worry about stuff like this all the time. My intuition tells me something really weird is going on here. Has cheese got something to do with this?
You’re the only one I can turn to, Will. I’m counting on you. Please help me!

Signed,

Thinking about stuff…and worrying a little (too much maybe?)… in Santa Cruz

Dear Thinking about stuff…and worrying (too much?… no, not really)… in Santa Cruz,

Wow, are you reading my mind or something, Santa Cruz? What, are you one of these unwitting psychic types, finding yourself spontaneously drawn to others with the same burning metaphysical questions as you? That’s amazing.

You see, I too have been stewing, kneading, grating, and baking over this pepperoni and cheese pizza question for a long, long time. It’s been dogging me, Santa Cruz! More than you could possibly imagine.

So tell me, Santa Cruz, what do you think would happen if someday pizza wanted to get away from pepperoni for awhile? Where would pepperoni go? Have you ever seen it anywhere else? Oh sure, hanging on the rack in the deli section, yeah, right… Don’t be coy, Santa Cruz, you’ll piss me off!

The fact is, Santa Cruz, pizza hasn’t got the heart to dump pepperoni. No one else will take it in. I mean, think about it! Have you ever really seen just a plain cheese pizza with your own eyes? I don’t think so, Santa Cruz. Cheese pizza isn’t real. It’s never been real. It’s a figment of the collective imagination of the Great Unwashed.

Oh c’mon, Santa Cruz, you know who I’m talking about. The Great Unwashed is anyone who doesn’t drive a BMW or a Mercedes. Or an old Ford Fairlane with one bad shock.

So anyway, just how did that happen, Santa Cruz? How did so many people start believing in cheese pizza even though it doesn’t really exist? Well, the human mind is a very strange phenomenon, Santa Cruz. It plays tricks on itself all the time.

Follow me here, Santa Cruz. We’re gonna go far now.

You see, centuries ago cheese pizza was merely a myth, Santa Cruz. Just a simple metaphor meant to tell a story with a message. But for some reason the Great Unwashed began to lose sight of that.

What happened was, they started believing in cheese pizza literally, Santa Cruz. Millions and millions of them. And they passed that belief down generation after generation until eventually even the Great Washed started believing in it! And that’s when a very strange thing began to happen, Santa Cruz.

Just take a look at cheese pizza on the menu to see what I’m talking about. You’ll notice that the letters never stay still, Santa Cruz. They’re always moving slightly, wavy like a mirage in the Italian desert. Cheese Pizza … Cheese Pizza…

It’s an inherited hallucination, Santa Cruz. And by now a fixed delusion so ancient and vast it’s locked into the genetic code. Some call it “The DiGiornio Code.” And it’s in the DNA of nearly everyone now!

But not quite everyone. There is one exception. I’m talking about a very small and esoteric group of extremely powerful people, Santa Cruz. They’re members of an ancient secret society called the Peproni of Scalion.

The Peproni’s membership history stretches back nearly two thousand years and is comprised of several famous Italian luminaries including Dante, Michelangelo, and Madonna, to name a few.

Their whole purpose for nearly two millennia has been to keep the truth alive about the relationship between pepperoni and cheese, and to not reveal it to anyone outside the Peproni until just the right time.

Wow, I’m afraid I may have told you too much, Santa Cruz. I think I got a little carried away there. But I can’t help it! Like I told you, this issue about pepperoni and cheese pizza has been really dogging me! I don’t think I can hold it in any longer!

You see, my name really isn’t Will Fargo, Santa Cruz. It’s Linguini Macaroni! And I’m not just some loser who drives an old Ford Fairlane with two bad shocks.

OK, I lied before about only one shock being bad. But I had to, don’t you see? I’m too proud to admit that I’m flat broke, Santa Cruz!

But I can’t afford to work! I’m very busy with something extremely important but that doesn’t pay crap! Don’t you wonder how I know about the Peproni of Scalion if it’s such a big secret? It’s because I am a member, Santa Cruz. In fact, I’m the only member left!

But I can’t go on like this, working so hard every day just to keep myself from blurting out the big secret. I feel like I’m gonna collapse from all the centuries and centuries of weight from this powerful secret on my back!

So I’ve made a decision, Santa Cruz. Since you asked about it, in all your innocence with the psychic wavelength and all that crap… I must take this as a sign that the time has finally come.

And I now must fulfill my duty as the Grand Master of the Peproni of Scalion and reveal the truth that’s been hidden behind this false belief in cheese pizza for nearly two thousand years!!

So here goes, Santa Cruz. Have you got your Pepsi in hand, because I’m gonna let it fly!

Santa Cruz, pepperoni and cheese aren’t just friends that hang out together telling stories with tomato sauce and crust all day long. They’re inseparable, Santa Cruz. And they’ve been together for centuries as…. are you ready?… domestic partners with children!!

Santa Cruz…. Sausage and Mushrooms are the children of Pepperoni and Cheese!!!

There, I said it. It’s out. But what’s going to happen now? The pizza industry will be thrown into turmoil! Who could possibly have the heart now to order anything but a pizza with everything? They’d be tearing apart a whole family, Santa Cruz!!

And where will it stop? Soon we may only have one choice of salad dressing… only one breakfast combo… or… oh no!…or… only one flavor of ice cream!!

Oh my God, what have I done?! WHAT HAVE I DONE!?!?

Dear Will,
I’m thinking of making a New Year’s resolution this year that will really make a difference in my life. But I’m coming up short with ideas.
You see, I can’t really think of anything about me that needs changing. I pretty much have my act together. But I know I’m probably not perfect because no one is. At least that’s what everyone says all the time. (Please note that I have never said that.)
Could you help me figure out a New Year’s resolution so I can put a little extra polish and shine on my life?
Thanks, Will, you’re the best.
Signed,
Challenged to Improve… in Carmel

Dear Challenged to Improve… in Carmel,
OK, this is a code red emergency, Carmel. Quarantine may be warranted here in order to prevent massive numbers of Foolish Times readers from becoming violently ill.
A New Year’s resolution is certainly in order and should be made ASAP. My first instinct is that it should be something like… “I vow to completely change everything about myself starting the day before yesterday.”
However, there is a slight possibility that the sort of awe-inspiring ego inflation you are currently experiencing is not quite as bad as it looks. It may be just a temporary phenomenon.
In that case, it is most likely a simple, less severe compensatory condition caused by a preceding period of obsessive self-doubt from which you simply need a break.
If that’s what’s happening here, Carmel, then I would say a little harmless grandiosity and deluded self image might not be so bad. Maybe it could even be healthy. But I would recommend a little more creativity. It could enhance the whole process.
What could be the harm in, let’s say, thinking for awhile that you’re the president of the United States or something like that? As long as you keep it more or less to yourself I don’t have a problem with it.
It’s quite a nice little all-natural chemical rush feeling, that kind of power, Carmel. Who cares if it’s true or not? It doesn’t matter. Your body doesn’t know the difference. You’re the only real president as far as it’s concerned.
Or, spending a little time as a Greek god or goddess is also a good lift. Get ready for some residual benefits in the way of some awesome tingling in both your temples and your loins if you go there, Carmel.
I hope you’re paying attention to what I’m telling you here, Carmel. Don’t be some little fraidy cat when it comes to your imagination. It’s really all you’ve got if you think about it.
But then, reading your question again… it worries me, Carmel. This cry for help in finding anything wrong with you… it’s pretty serious. I’m afraid if you don’t do something about it right away, it could lead to a deadly outbreak of Ohpleaseitis that could wipe out millions.
You need to figure out a way to come back down to earth and resume more rational levels of sublimated self-loathing and guilt that most properly acculturated people live with every day, and in fact build their lives upon.
Perhaps you should consider joining a support group for closet underdogs. Not only could you get the help you need but you could probably also connect with some pretty big people.
Just make sure you wear enough bling to the first meeting. You don’t want to give off a first impression of pretense by dressing down. You’re going to need these people; don’t insult them by showing progress on the first date.
Any hint of humility you portray at this point could blow up in your face. This is not the time to reveal any earthbound tendencies toward personal enlightenment or self-truth.
And for god sakes keep your nose up, Carmel. You will be faced with some fierce competition, so you need to hold your ground. Hmm, maybe we’ve hit on something here. How about this for a resolution:
Before the year 2009 is out, you will undergo a little plastic surgery; a rhinoplasty that will permanently place your nose to a fixed and prominent upright position. This should leave you feeling quite polished, Carmel.
OK, I think that’s all I have for you on this one. I just read your question again and I think I may be coming down with something.

Need good solid bogus advice or special answers to questionable questions? Will Fargo may be reached at <WillFargo@foolishtimes.net>

Dear Will Fargo,

I am a person who loves a good beat. When I hear a good beat, my foot just gets to tapping and I can’t seem to do anything about it. And then when one foot gets to tapping, my other foot starts feeling left out and so it starts tapping too. And then guess what happens? My fingers start snapping!
So, what’s the problem? I’ll tell you what the problem is. It’s all that good music they play in public places. I can’t even go to the bank anymore because people complained about me tapping my toes and snapping my fingers in line!

I can’t go grocery shopping without people frowning at me and shaking their heads. What is wrong with everyone, Will?! Don’t they feel the beat too? I mean, sometimes even when there’s not a good beat coming over the airwaves I hear one in my head anyway and it all starts up all on its own… like right now!… Read the rest of this article »

Dear Will,
How come every time I go grocery shopping I get a cart with one bad wheel? It never fails. And then when I try and push the cart it always seems to want to go a different way than I do.

Like yesterday, when I wanted to go down the cookie aisle, it started heading toward the health food section.

My question is: is it normal that I always get a shopping cart with one bad wheel, or do you think God is trying to speak to me through my shopping cart?

Signed,
Curious Shopper…. in Monterey
Read the rest of this article »

Dear Will,
My friends think I’m crazy because I feed my dog steak. But I don’t see anything wrong with it. After all, he’s the best buddy I’ve ever had! What do they think, he’s some sort of animal or something? If they had their way, I’d probably be feeding him dog food every day! But I think that’s messed up.

My question is, should I listen to them because I know they’re right and I’m nuts? Or should I slash their tires and shoot their cat because they hate my dog?

Signed, Confused Loyalties… in Carmel Valley

Dear Confused Loyalties… in Carmel Valley, Read the rest of this article »

Dear Will,
The other day, I tried googling myself but my browser couldn’t come up with crap. It seems like everyone I know is googlable except me. And so they’re all cool and I’m a nobody.I don’t know if I can take one more day of being a non-googlable putz. I think I may just give up on life unless I can be googled real soon.

Will, I want you to know that I’m at a crucial point in life right now, and I’m handing it over to you to make me or break me. Why? Because you are a super genius, that’s why! If anyone can help me, it’s you!

If I don’t become googlable sometime this summer, I’m sure I’ll end up spending the rest of my pitiful life suckin’ on a bottle of tequila in the gutter. But if I do become googlable, who knows? I could end up conquering the world!!
Please, do your magic on me, Will!! I’m not taking another step until I hear from you!

Signed,
Fork in the Road… in Sand City Read the rest of this article »

Dear Mr. Fargo,

I am working really hard so that someday I will have time to be creative and play my flute as much as I want. That is my dream. The problem is I decided to take a job at Taco Bell to make ends meet. And now I haven’t been able to get in any music lately.

I also don’t feel very creative because I smell like a taco. Plus, it’s hard for me to get inspired wearing this silly clown uniform. I have to burn incense all the time because I have stomach problems. I feel like I am going to turn into a bean burrito!!!

Will, do you think I will lose my creativity? Should I quit this job, live poor, and maybe homeless, for the sake of my music?

Signed,

Love to Toot… in Berkeley

Dear Love to Toot… in Berkeley, Read the rest of this article »

Dear Will,
I have a problem with my cat. It seems she is sleeping about 23 hours a day. Do you think she might have chronic fatigue syndrome or a sleep disorder or something?

Should I enroll her in a sleep disorder study? Will they pay me for that?

Or do you think she is just bored with our relationship after 12 years? I can’t afford the vet prices around here and would value your input, Will Fargo. You seem to know so much about everything.

Signed,
Worried Cat Owner… in Monterey Read the rest of this article »

Dear Will,
Now that spring is here, I thought I’d be happy. But I’m not. In fact, spring is having an opposite effect on me. The singing, chirping, and warbling birds are grating on my nerves, Will! And I find the fresh and clean flower-scented air utterly revolting!

Signed,
Broken Spring…. in Carmel Valley
Read the rest of this article »

Dear Will,
Whenever I am in an automated bathroom (you know, with automatic flushers, toilet seat covers, faucets, soap dispensers, hand dryers, towel dispensers), I wave my hand over and over, jump up and down, whatever… but the automated devices never respond. It’s as if I’m not even there.

Also, it seems like whenever I’m out in public people completely ignore me. They step right in front of me in the grocery store, turn right in front of me when I’m driving, and cut me off mid-sentence when I’m talking. Read the rest of this article »

Editor’s note: The following is a reprint of Will Fargo’s Bogus Advice. Will is pulling a Rip Van Winkle somewhere in the Butterfly Sanctuary in Pacific Grove and can’t be disturbed. Please, don’t go looking for him. You’ll disturb his beard.

Dear Will,
I don’t get what the big deal with Groundhog Day is. What’s so great about a groundhog, anyway? Why don’t they have Giraffe Day? A giraffe is way better than a groundhog.

Signed,
Wet Blanket… in PG Read the rest of this article »

Dear Will,
I’m thinking of making a New Year’s resolution this year that will really make a difference in my life. But I’m coming up short with ideas.
You see, I can’t really think of anything about me that needs changing. I pretty much have my act together. Read the rest of this article »

Dear Will Fargo,
I really dread the winter coming. Especially the month of December. I can’t stand all the phony holiday crap with Santa Claus and the Elves and all that North Pole garbage. Can’t we just skip all that nonsense and accept the season for what it really is? Cold, wet, and miserable.

Signed,
Inclement Reader… in Sand City

Dear Inclement Reader… in Sand City Read the rest of this article »

Dear Will Fargo,

Signed,
Feeling nostalgic for summer already… in Carmel Valley Read the rest of this article »

Dear Will Fargo,
I have always been someone who plays by the rules. I’m honest, hardworking, and law abiding. The problem is I have no way to de-stress and friends tell me I’m dull. Therefore, I think I need a vice. Read the rest of this article »

Dear Will,
My name is Zshberkle. I come from the planet Zorak. I have a problem only you can solve, Will Fargo.

I believe you know the beings who claim to be my progenitors, Zshbelzagub and Zshbula from the planet Zorak. I have a large question in my frontal lobe regarding the legitimacy of their authority over me, Will Fargo. Read the rest of this article »

Editor’s note: The following is an encore presentation of Will Fargo’s Bogus Advice. Will did not send in a column this month. He was abducted by space aliens. Foolish Times is currently negotiating his safe release.

Dear Will Fargo,
Will Fargo? The Will Fargo? My Will Fargo? Will, does the name Cloy ring a bell?

I didn’t even remember that short past life of mine back in Weedpatch, North Dakota. But then I saw your name, and a whole cloud of dusty memories kicked up, and I felt the pangs of pet and owner love once again. Read the rest of this article »