Dear Will Fargo,

I am a person who loves a good beat. When I hear a good beat, my foot just gets to tapping and I can’t seem to do anything about it. And then when one foot gets to tapping, my other foot starts feeling left out and so it starts tapping too. And then guess what happens? My fingers start snapping!
So, what’s the problem? I’ll tell you what the problem is. It’s all that good music they play in public places. I can’t even go to the bank anymore because people complained about me tapping my toes and snapping my fingers in line!

I can’t go grocery shopping without people frowning at me and shaking their heads. What is wrong with everyone, Will?! Don’t they feel the beat too? I mean, sometimes even when there’s not a good beat coming over the airwaves I hear one in my head anyway and it all starts up all on its own… like right now!… Read the rest of this article »

Dear Will,
How come every time I go grocery shopping I get a cart with one bad wheel? It never fails. And then when I try and push the cart it always seems to want to go a different way than I do.

Like yesterday, when I wanted to go down the cookie aisle, it started heading toward the health food section.

My question is: is it normal that I always get a shopping cart with one bad wheel, or do you think God is trying to speak to me through my shopping cart?

Signed,
Curious Shopper…. in Monterey
Read the rest of this article »

Dear Will,
My friends think I’m crazy because I feed my dog steak. But I don’t see anything wrong with it. After all, he’s the best buddy I’ve ever had! What do they think, he’s some sort of animal or something? If they had their way, I’d probably be feeding him dog food every day! But I think that’s messed up.

My question is, should I listen to them because I know they’re right and I’m nuts? Or should I slash their tires and shoot their cat because they hate my dog?

Signed, Confused Loyalties… in Carmel Valley

Dear Confused Loyalties… in Carmel Valley, Read the rest of this article »

Dear Will,
The other day, I tried googling myself but my browser couldn’t come up with crap. It seems like everyone I know is googlable except me. And so they’re all cool and I’m a nobody.I don’t know if I can take one more day of being a non-googlable putz. I think I may just give up on life unless I can be googled real soon.

Will, I want you to know that I’m at a crucial point in life right now, and I’m handing it over to you to make me or break me. Why? Because you are a super genius, that’s why! If anyone can help me, it’s you!

If I don’t become googlable sometime this summer, I’m sure I’ll end up spending the rest of my pitiful life suckin’ on a bottle of tequila in the gutter. But if I do become googlable, who knows? I could end up conquering the world!!
Please, do your magic on me, Will!! I’m not taking another step until I hear from you!

Signed,
Fork in the Road… in Sand City Read the rest of this article »

Dear Mr. Fargo,

I am working really hard so that someday I will have time to be creative and play my flute as much as I want. That is my dream. The problem is I decided to take a job at Taco Bell to make ends meet. And now I haven’t been able to get in any music lately.

I also don’t feel very creative because I smell like a taco. Plus, it’s hard for me to get inspired wearing this silly clown uniform. I have to burn incense all the time because I have stomach problems. I feel like I am going to turn into a bean burrito!!!

Will, do you think I will lose my creativity? Should I quit this job, live poor, and maybe homeless, for the sake of my music?

Signed,

Love to Toot… in Berkeley

Dear Love to Toot… in Berkeley, Read the rest of this article »

Dear Will,
I have a problem with my cat. It seems she is sleeping about 23 hours a day. Do you think she might have chronic fatigue syndrome or a sleep disorder or something?

Should I enroll her in a sleep disorder study? Will they pay me for that?

Or do you think she is just bored with our relationship after 12 years? I can’t afford the vet prices around here and would value your input, Will Fargo. You seem to know so much about everything.

Signed,
Worried Cat Owner… in Monterey Read the rest of this article »

Dear Will,
Now that spring is here, I thought I’d be happy. But I’m not. In fact, spring is having an opposite effect on me. The singing, chirping, and warbling birds are grating on my nerves, Will! And I find the fresh and clean flower-scented air utterly revolting!

Signed,
Broken Spring…. in Carmel Valley
Read the rest of this article »

Dear Will,
Whenever I am in an automated bathroom (you know, with automatic flushers, toilet seat covers, faucets, soap dispensers, hand dryers, towel dispensers), I wave my hand over and over, jump up and down, whatever… but the automated devices never respond. It’s as if I’m not even there.

Also, it seems like whenever I’m out in public people completely ignore me. They step right in front of me in the grocery store, turn right in front of me when I’m driving, and cut me off mid-sentence when I’m talking. Read the rest of this article »

Editor’s note: The following is a reprint of Will Fargo’s Bogus Advice. Will is pulling a Rip Van Winkle somewhere in the Butterfly Sanctuary in Pacific Grove and can’t be disturbed. Please, don’t go looking for him. You’ll disturb his beard.

Dear Will,
I don’t get what the big deal with Groundhog Day is. What’s so great about a groundhog, anyway? Why don’t they have Giraffe Day? A giraffe is way better than a groundhog.

Signed,
Wet Blanket… in PG Read the rest of this article »

Dear Will,
I’m thinking of making a New Year’s resolution this year that will really make a difference in my life. But I’m coming up short with ideas.
You see, I can’t really think of anything about me that needs changing. I pretty much have my act together. Read the rest of this article »

Dear Will Fargo,
I really dread the winter coming. Especially the month of December. I can’t stand all the phony holiday crap with Santa Claus and the Elves and all that North Pole garbage. Can’t we just skip all that nonsense and accept the season for what it really is? Cold, wet, and miserable.

Signed,
Inclement Reader… in Sand City

Dear Inclement Reader… in Sand City Read the rest of this article »

Dear Will Fargo,

Signed,
Feeling nostalgic for summer already… in Carmel Valley Read the rest of this article »

Dear Will Fargo,
I have always been someone who plays by the rules. I’m honest, hardworking, and law abiding. The problem is I have no way to de-stress and friends tell me I’m dull. Therefore, I think I need a vice. Read the rest of this article »

Dear Will,
My name is Zshberkle. I come from the planet Zorak. I have a problem only you can solve, Will Fargo.

I believe you know the beings who claim to be my progenitors, Zshbelzagub and Zshbula from the planet Zorak. I have a large question in my frontal lobe regarding the legitimacy of their authority over me, Will Fargo. Read the rest of this article »

Editor’s note: The following is an encore presentation of Will Fargo’s Bogus Advice. Will did not send in a column this month. He was abducted by space aliens. Foolish Times is currently negotiating his safe release.

Dear Will Fargo,
Will Fargo? The Will Fargo? My Will Fargo? Will, does the name Cloy ring a bell?

I didn’t even remember that short past life of mine back in Weedpatch, North Dakota. But then I saw your name, and a whole cloud of dusty memories kicked up, and I felt the pangs of pet and owner love once again. Read the rest of this article »

Dear Will Fargo,
My name is Zshbula. I come from the planet Zorak. I have to tell you that of all the earthlings I have ever seen, I find you the most attractive. Even though I’ve never actually seen you.
I dream about you all the time, Will Fargo. I think I’m obsessed with you. I know we come from different worlds but we will make it work.
There’s one problem, though. Read the rest of this article »

Dear Will,
Recently you wrote about an underground space alien complex on the moon and about all sorts of space alien activity going on right here in Carmel Valley and on the Monterey Peninsula. Read the rest of this article »