An Irishman who had a little too much to drink was driving home from the city one night and, of course, was weaving all over the road.
The policeman pulled him over. “So,” said the cop to the driver, “where have ya been tonight?”
“Why, I’ve been to the pub, of course,” slurred the drunk.
“Well,” said the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”
“I did all right,” the drunk said with a smile.
“Did you know,” said the cop, folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Thank heavens,” sighed the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

*The Crown & Anchor Pub
(Franklin Street’s Favorite Pub)

Little Johnny’s chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
“Now, class. Observe what happens to the two worms,” said the teacher, putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.
He then dropped the second worm in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died.
“Now, kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the teacher asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”

*The Crown & Anchor Pub
(Franklin Street’s Favorite Pub)

A bear walks into a bar.

He goes up to the bartender and says,

“Can I have a large gin and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . tonic?”

The bartender replies,

“Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”

The bear, looking hurt, holds up his paws and says,

“What do you mean? I’m a bear!”

by Tony Deakin of
The Crown & Anchor Pub
(Franklin Street’s Favorite Pub)

At 3 a.m. a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. “It opens at noon,” answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. “What time does the bar open?” he asks.

“Same time as before-noon,” replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and the guy calls again, plastered. “What do you say the bar opens at?”

The clerk then answers, “It opens at noon, but if you can’t wait, I can have room service send something up to you.”

“No,” the man says. “I don’t wanna get in… Ah wanna get OUT!!!”

A couple of airplane mechanics are kicked out of the local bar and, with no place else to go, end up in the hangar at LAX. One of them says to the other, “Man, have you got anything to drink?”
“Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel-that’ll kinda give you a buzz.”
So they get smashed and have a beautiful time, as only drinking buddies can do.
The following morning, one of them wakes up and he knows his head will explode if he gets up. But it doesn’t. He gets up and feels good, in fact he feels great-no hangover!
The phone rings; it’s his buddy. The buddy says, “Hey, how do you feel?”
The first mechanic says, “I feel great!”
The second one says, “I feel great too! You don’t have a hangover?”
The first one says, “No, that jet fuel is great stuff-no hangover. We ought to do this more often.”
“Yeah, we could, but there’s just one thing. Did you fart yet?”
“No.”
“Well, DON’T, ‘cause I did-and now I’m in Denver.”

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British
Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Good evening, officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing!

51 Days

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, and take their order over to a large table.
The corks are popped, the glasses are filled, and they begin toasting and chanting, “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks, and the chanting grows… “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”
Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are heard as well: “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle, and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”
The bartender can’t contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child’s puzzle of the Cookie Monster.
When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, “What’s all the chanting and celebration about?”
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes up. “Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us,” she said. “So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle, and put it together. The side of the box said ‘2-4 years,’ but we put it together in 51 days!”

A man walked into a bar one day and said, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks.” He pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar.

Well, the bartender couldn’t believe what he was seeing. “Where did you get all that money?” he couldn’t help but ask. “I’m a professional gambler,” replied the man. The bartender said, “There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?” “Well, I only bet on sure things,” said the guy. “Like what?” asked the bartender. Read the rest of this article »

A man walks through the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles through the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely, but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries “MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?”

One night in a local pub, a man stumbled up to the only other patron in a bar and asked if he could buy him a drink. “Why, of course,” came the reply.

The first man then asked, “Where are you from?”

“I’m from Ireland,” replied the second man.

The first man responded, “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.” Read the rest of this article »

A mangy-looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “No way, pal. I don’t think you can pay for it.”"You’re right,” the guy says. “I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?”

“You have a deal, my friend,” says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard, and starts playing Gershwin music. The hamster can really play.

“You’re right… I’ve never seen anything like that before,” says the bartender. “That hamster is really gifted.” Read the rest of this article »

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Read the rest of this article »

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.”

After dinner, William’s dad took him aside. “Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She’s a wonderful wife, but the truth is, I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.” Read the rest of this article »

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”

His dad says, “Well, son, let me try to explain it this way.

“You see, I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the future. Read the rest of this article »

Basil the “Beefeater” is Yeoman of the Guards at the Crown & Anchor Pub on Franklin.

The Yeoman of the Guards or Beefeater is now a ceremonial function at The Tower of London. When the Guards first originated in 1485 by Henry VII, its members had numerous duties as defenders of the King’s person and household, until 1743 (the last time a British Monarch appeared on the battlefield). They accompanied the King in battle.

Opinions vary as to why they were called “Beefeaters.” But the most likely explanation is quite literal: in the 17th century a “Beef-eater” was a derogatory term for a servant who was too well fed (by no means a certainty in those days). Read the rest of this article »

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls. Read the rest of this article »

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine… and those who don’t.

As Ben Franklin said: “In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.” Read the rest of this article »