Did you hear the one about—aw, never mind. I can’t remember a joke. Two minutes after someone tells me a joke, it’s gone. Every time I venture out thinking I’ve got this one nailed, I screw it up. My friend Bill in NY once told me a joke that was so funny I almost peed myself laughing. Several of us were swapping jokes at lunch the other day and I ventured out, started telling this gut-buster from Bill, and sure enough I lost it. Being a resourceful kinda guy, I called Bill and had him repeat it then and there. Everyone thought my calling Bill was funnier than the joke.

Keep ’em laughing, it makes it hard to shoot straight.

Happy New Year!

Don’t forget the advertisers!

Gee, it seems like only twelve months since we were wishing each other Happy Holidays. Boy, time sure drags when you’re broke. Anyway, at the risk of not offending anyone (I really don’t give a [place your own expletive here]): HAPPY DECEMBER!

Down to business. The Monterey Symphony has donated a pair of tickets to be given away for the December performance at the Carmel Mission Basilica (info on page 5). Check out the Crossword page for details on how to win. You can also win a pair of tickets by attending our free Comedy Reading at Café 316 on December 11 (details on page 7).

Here’s wishing everyone a Happy Make Cut-Out Snowflakes Day (December 27), which is my favorite!

Don’t Forget The Advertisers!

Ponder this: For years now researchers have been telling us we’re getting fatter. Well, if our butts are expanding, why is the toilet paper shrinking?

Let’s all send an email to Charmin and Scott informing them of this incongruity.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Don’t Forget the Advertisers!

Three days without COFFEE! No need to panic! “Café 316” opens in eight minutes and all will be right with the world!

The Unknown Cartoonist is not MIA, just misplaced!

Gotta go!

Don’t Forget The Advertisers!

My friend Bill in New York goes to a big-name bank to withdraw $8,000 from his account. He’s told by the teller to see Mr. So & So. Mr. So & So explains to Bill that the bank doesn’t have $8,000 cash, but he would be glad to give Bill a cashier’s check for the $8,000. Bill laughs and says, “You’re joking, right?” The banker gets indignant and huffs out, “Banking is serious business.” Mr. So & So gets the cashier’s check, gives it to Bill, and says, “How would you like to pay the $45 check fee?”

What’s wrong with this picture?

Don’t Forget The Advertisers!

On September 12, Paula Poundstone is coming to the Golden State Theatre with a truckload of laughs. We along with the Golden State Theatre crew are giving away 15 pairs of tickets to see one of the funniest comedians of this generation. For a chance to win, all you have to do is email your name and phone number to: tkts@foolishtimes.net, or you can snail mail us the same information at Foolish Times, P.O. Box 4046, Monterey, CA 93942. All entries must be received by September 8. Multiple entries will be discarded. The drawing will be held on Wednesday, September 9. All winners will be notified by email or phone. Winners can pick up their tickets at the box office the night of the show. So get busy! Good luck!

Happy B’day to us!

Don’t Forget the Advertisers!

While waiting in line at one of those drug, candy, hardware, grocery, film, all-in-one stores the other day, I felt a little giddy. It was like the first time I had ever seen two cashiers checking out customers with less than ten people waiting in line. Wow, I thought, only three of us and two of them. I just might get out of here in less than the usual ten to fifteen minutes (which is my limit for waiting for anything). Then the roof caved in. The first customer with the register tied up decided to do some more shopping and ran to get this and that and whatchamacallit-you-know on isle five. Not to worry-one cashier left and two of us, I still can break the fifteen-minute barrier. Oops, spoke too soon-the manager comes over and asks the remaining available cashier how her son is doing with his cold and did she have a good time over the weekend? Now the three of them get into a conversation about nothing. I check my watch. Fifteen minutes. I leave the antacids I was buying on the counter and as I walk out can hear one of the cashiers saying, “What’s his problem?”
Don’t Forget The Advertisers!

Six AM sitting at the computer checking emails DEADLINE! Six-ten AM coffee’s ready DEADLINE! My mind’s waking up rattling off things I’ve procrastinated away for three weeks DEADLINE! Get the proof for this ad DEADLINE! Get the approval on this ad DEADLINE! Check on the layout DEADLINE! Don’t forget to call my grandson for his birthday DEADLINE! The editor DEADLINE! Head fool note DEADLINE! Doctor’s appointment DEADLINE! Call the printer DEADLINE! Six-twenty AM Comcast exchange server crashes for the tenth time in two weeks DEADLINE! Panic DEADLINE! What now my computer tech that I paid hundreds of dollars to install DEADLINE! and reinstall DEADLINE! Outlook and talk to Bob from India DEADLINE! and Jim in the Philippines DEADLINE! SIX times this week has changed his number telling me to keep my money and never call him again DEADLINE! Six-twenty-eight AM I’m going back to bed. Let me know if we made the deadline?
Don’t Forget The Advertisers!

Mike M.
Head Fool
mike@foolishtimes.net

The “Best of Foolish Times, Volume 1″ hits the stands today. Thanks to all the writers and staff over the years who helped make it possible! (I’d love to name them all, but I can’t even remember what I had for lunch.) A special thanks to the advertisers who stuck with us and to the new ones coming on board, realizing finally that you, our readers, are loyal, educated, wealthy beyond belief, good-looking, vivacious, full of life, cheerful. Okay, enough. Some of our advertisers like the Monterey Symphony and Sardine Factory have extended special offers just for Foolish Times readers. Check them out.

Don’t forget the advertisers!

Mike Miele
The Head Fool
mike@foolishtimes.net

700 billion, 25 billion, now that’s funny! i need about $17.89 to keep Foolish Times going for six months. I decided to go to Washington for a bailout- er, I mean an economic stimulus package. I’ve learned from my fellow moguls and won’t (can’t) repeat their mistakes. No private jet, no bonuses, no lavish weekend getaways to celebrate-I mean, recuperate- from all the hard work rehearsing how to grovel. I’ll hop a freight train, eat at soup kitchens, and stay at a Holiday Inn Express.
Well, gotta run- I need to hop the 1010 out of Oakland. Stay tuned.

Happy New Year!

HELP! Better yet, help us help you or help you help us or something like that. Thanks to you, our readers, and the response you’ve given our advertisers, we’ve doubled in size since our first issue. Our circulation has tripled and we’re working our butts off. It’s time to do some repair work on this old rag. What writers do you like (they stay), not like (off with their heads), new ideas for columns. We can use a few bloggers for our web site, a volunteer to help design and maintain a monthly comedy calendar. Some new writers and cartoonists would be nice. To complete the wish list would be 1 or 2 good—no, make that GREAT—salespeople or a reasonable facsimile to help keep us from asking Congress for a $700,000,000 bailout.

Email: ideas@foolishtimes.net or snail mail Foolish Times, P.O. Box 4046, Monterey, CA 93942.

The party went off without a hitch on Saturday. Well, almost—I had this whispering sound in my ear from one of the permanent residents of the Golden State Theatre. Now that wasn’t as bad or as frightening as you might think. It made me feel like, uh, warm and fuzzy. The thing that pissed me off was when the audience laughed my new-found friend would laugh sooo loud into my ear that it gave me a three-day headache! Enough of the mushy stuff—I want to thank all the people young and old who came and helped us celebrate! Also to thank our advertisers for their continuing support. Gift certificates from the Crown and Anchor, Mucky Duck, Black Bear Diner, and Archie’s Diner were given out and we had delicious pizza and cannolis from Croce’s Pizza. Special thanks to Warren, Jarred, and Al at the Golden State Theatre for helping to make it happen!
Don’t Forget The Advertisers!

I’ve been trying to write this note for several days. Every time I start to write (“We’re havin’ a party”), an old sixties song (“everybody’s swinging”) pops into my (“dancing to the music”) head (“on the radio”). By the time I dance and sing it a few times, I need a nap. That’s the main reason we’re only having one party. We’ll be doing a belated birthday party at Monterey Live soon. On the 23rd of August we will be showing two great comedies at The Golden State Theatre-one of my favorites, Abbott & Costello’s “Hold That Ghost,” and the comedy hit of the summer (to be determined). There’ll be free pizza and Coke for all attending. Free Foolish Times T-shirts for the first 50 paid customers. Bring the kids-it’ll be G-rated. Check out the cover of this issue for the details. See you there!Don’t Forget the Advertisers!

The “Refrigerator Man” is gone but not forgotten! I can’t help but smile when I think of the hours and hours of belly laughs George Carlin brought to my life. Thanks, George!

Had a little detour myself last week, so we’re a little behind on the party planning for the Foolish Times 5-year birthday. Here’s what we have so far.1. August 23: two comedy movies (to be determined) at the Golden State Theatre. Another to-be-determined comedian in-between.

2. August 20: Comedy night at Monterey Live with audience participation.

3. Prizes and surprises!

Look for posters at local stores.

Check the websites: Goldenstatetheatre.com, Montereylive.com, Foolishtimes.net. We’ll post more information as we figure it out.

Don’t Forget The Advertisers!

We’re having a gigantic celebration! Yup, in honor of our fifth birthday this August, Foolish Times is having a birthday bash! Look for details in next month’s issue. Here’s a list of events we’re working on:* Classic comedy films at the Golden State Theatre
* Live burlesque
* Comedy Challenge at Monterey Live
* Brazilian drummers
* Maybe a parade! Come join the fun!

This issue has some great new writers and cartoons-check them out. There are more pages and some great new advertisers too.

Wow! That’s almost too much good stuff for me to handle at one time. To get some balance I’ll just take a trip to the DMV.

Don’t Forget The Advertisers!

All’s right with the world! The world of Foolish Times, that is. All the BS going on in the world today has created a perfect storm for Foolish Times. People are flocking to our publication so fast we have to increase the number of copies distributed (next month) to avoid some of the hostility caused when there are none to be found. Distribution points are calling for more copies to be delivered to calm the angry patrons not finding their beloved respite from the real (fill in the blank) world.

We have a slew of new advertisers (although I still can’t pay the rent), thanks to the response you’ve given to the ones who have been with us for a long time. Give ’em a call and welcome them aboard! John Sammon of “Sammon Says” fame (monthly columnist in FT) has joined our staff as Sales Director. He will be glad to explain the benefits of our low-cost advertising. Call him at 648-1038 or email john @foolishtimes.net.

The Unknown Cartoonist is back. And I’m not asking, just glad to have you back!

Basil the Beefeater at the Crown & Anchor was given a reprieve for now, so stop by and say hello.

Enjoy!

This is a sad day for Foolish Times. None of the usual methods of communication have produced a cartoon for this month’s issue from THE UNKNOWN CARTOONIST! I’ve checked and rechecked every nook and cranny, thinking I must have put it somewhere for safekeeping (you know, the kind of place that gives up its treasure only after it’s too late). No luck. We’ve heard some rumblings of foul play. When Tony and Sara at the Crown & Anchor heard of UC’s plight they immediately called and offered a reward (fifty dollar gift certificate) for the whereabouts of UC. This is most gracious of them, seeing as how they’re in the midst of their own situation with Basil the Beefeater, who guards the entrance to the Crown & Anchor.  We will be flying our flag at half mast here at the FT offices and wearing green armbands till we have closure on the fate of THE UNKNOWN CARTOONIST!

Enjoy!
P.S. Don’t Forget The Advertisers!