It was a typical day—chop wood, carry water—when I got a pop-up from Symantec: “Your Norton virus definitions are about to expire. Renew now?”

I thought virus definitions went on forever like the giant tortoise or Dick Clark. Evidently, they have to be renewed any time Norton demands “payment.”

The Internet was such a good idea on paper. Now we tiptoe through the day afraid of spyware and macros and worms—oh, my. It’s enough to make you become a plumber.

What do hackers get out of the virus anyway? They’re not even around to enjoy their evil. It’s like ordering a pizza to someone else’s house:
“I’ll bet they’re opening the door right now … I’ll just bet …” Read the rest of this article »

Due to technical difficulty, I scheduled with Dr. Klope a sperm count. Talk about tedious jobs. Can you see that poor guy over the microscope?
“1,634… 1,635… wait, did I count that one?”

Dr. Klope had one opening, eight a.m., which is way too early for sperm. A man might wake up with driftwood on his beach, but that doesn’t mean he’s ready to make a fire. It’s usually noon before I can swing a French kiss. Read the rest of this article »

Every year I look forward to the Super Bowl, and every year it’s like eating a TV dinner—always looks better in the picture.

Nothing, not even Armageddon, could live up to the hoopla. The pregame show begins three weeks before kickoff, when neckless men begin dissecting the games, going backward week by week till they finally get to the beginning…

“Football dates back to the 1800s, when a soccer player decided, on a lark, to pick up the ball and run. Opponents tackled him to the ground, beat him silly, and gave birth to the sport we love today.” Read the rest of this article »

I come from a long line of cheapskates. Our family crest looks like the flag of Japan, only with a big, anxious rear end.

The curse, legend has it, started with a sorceress who appeared as a beggar at the door of my great, great grandfather…

“Dear steward, have ye any spare change for a weary drifter?”

“Spare change?” he said. “You mean MONEY I DON’T NEED ANYMORE?” Read the rest of this article »

I live by a dock where cars are dumped off daily. Hourly. Mercilessly. They pass my street like I-Robots, half-wrapped, en route to Processing.

It’s starting to feel like an elevator full of sumo wrestlers.

“Let me ooouuut!” Read the rest of this article »

In youth I developed a taste for beach soot. My family summered at Seal Beach, where we ate peanut butter, jelly, and gritty sunblock sandwiches (PBJ & GS’s). I thought the sand was why we called them sandwiches. Read the rest of this article »

Warning: Today’s column may cause nausea or vomiting, and not just because of the writing.

Ladies: Men spit. It’s a fact of life like puberty or celebrity drug addiction. It will not be solved by handkerchiefs, and Prohibition would only lead to underground spiteasies. Read the rest of this article »

I always thought jury duty was something you could politely decline. Like fruitcake. But recently, being summoned, I discovered that “jury service is not voluntary but a civic duty imposed upon all citizens pursuant to civil code section 204.”

Desperate, I called my shrink for a note. Read the rest of this article »

My issues with time started early, when I kept my mom in labor so long that Dr. Rabban finally came after me with tongs.

In grade school, I routinely missed the bus and had to be driven to school—manually—by same mother. How, she wondered aloud to the dog, could her son spend 30 minutes playing with floaties in the gutter?
The bus driver called me his “tardy tot” and waited as long as he could. He had fancied me ever since that day I asked who closed the bus doors when the driver got out. Read the rest of this article »

I am getting a pet. Trouble is, I can’t decide between a cat and a dog.

Having questioned friends, family, and unsuspecting strangers, I find that people have sectored into opposing camps, Dog Lovers and Cat Lovers, and most are willing to jump off a bridge to prove their allegiance. Read the rest of this article »