Sammon Says

Sammon Says: Golden Gate Gripes

April 1, 2010

What do you do when you haven’t taken a vacation for years, and you’re so overworked you can’t remember your name? Do something stressful. I’m being facetious. But not much. I wanted to go to the South Seas and become a bearded Paul Gauguin, but agreed to a lesser trip to San Francisco for two [...]

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Sammon Says: The Word “Platonic” Swings the Other Way

March 1, 2010

Most words that began free of sexual meaning and evolved in modern times to a sexual connotation, for example, the words “gay” and “slut,” started out innocently enough. Gay used to mean a happy person, and slut meant a woman with soiled clothing, not necessarily one who committed adultery. It is therefore somewhat fitting and [...]

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Sammon Says: How to Become God in Five Easy Lessons

February 1, 2010

Let’s face it. We all want personal success. The top job. Every greedy, lying, cheating, no-good, corporate bastard vice president or politician wants to move up. You know. The kind who would steal fifty dollars off their mother’s bureau drawer while her back was turned. A person who would embezzle their own company. Or deceive [...]

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Sammon Says – Spirited Boy

January 1, 2010

I was visiting a co-worker at her home, and I was leery of her five-year-old boy, a blonde little boy, because I knew he had a reputation for being difficult. I’d even heard him scream in the past, though from a distance. I was talking with my host. The kid came up and demanded that [...]

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Sammon Says – Why Ow?

December 13, 2009

Since nobody uses it, why do we have the word “ouch,” the sound you make when you hurt yourself? Where did this word come from? There is no doubt, back in the mists of time, when small men with giant reproductive organs walked the earth looking for women and wearing animal skins, they made up [...]

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Sammon Says – WHAT IS GOLF?

November 8, 2009

What is golf? You take a metal rod with a head on it, and hit a little white ball towards a hole in the ground. Golf symbolizes for a lot of pot-bellied, balding middle-aged men success. Why? They can traipse around the clubhouse and act the big guy in their expensive golf clothes and say [...]

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Sammon Says – I’m Not a Narcissist

October 25, 2009

(Sung to the tune of Monty Python’s “I’m a lumberjack, but it’s okay.”) “I’m a narcissist, but it’s okay.” I got called a narcissist. Am I a narcissist? I’m not a narcissist. What is a narcissist? A person who has grandiose feelings about their own self-importance. Oh, yeah! That’s me! C’mon! You think I’m going [...]

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Sammon Says – The Great Predicted Swine Flu

August 4, 2009

Here we go again. I predicted the swine flu epidemic four months before it happened, and once again, I have to explain to a dull world that doesn’t recognize talent. The kind of uncomprehending world that makes Lady GaGa a star. I wrote a list of predictions for the year 2009 back on New Year’s [...]

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Sammon Says

June 1, 2009

A guy comes in to buy an airline ticket from a travel agency. The travel agent starts filling out the ticket form. Agent: “Okay, what’s your name?” Customer: “G. Youshudknow.” Agent: “Why?” Customer: “Why what?” Agent: “Why should I know?” Customer: (stares). Agent: “Your name?” Customer: “I told you, but you didn’t get it right.” [...]

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Sammon Says – May 09

May 1, 2009

Help, Peter Pan (aka Randy Constan)-I’m a Lost Boy! A couple years ago I did a story on a musician named Randy Constan who is in reality Peter Pan. Hey, if he isn’t the real Peter Pan, he wouldn’t have a website that draws millions of visitors and that helps children in need with donations, [...]

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Sammon Says – Adam’s Apple April 09

April 1, 2009

I’m talking to this guy and he has a huge Adam’s apple. I can’t help it. I can’t look in his eyes. I have to watch his Adam’s apple, as it bobs up and down. What’s up with that? The Adam’s apple is the only part of the body directly tied to the Biblical story [...]

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Sammon Says – A Fiery Cylindrical Vortex

March 1, 2009

They’re coming. They’re taking over. The economy is the least of your worries. There is a gigantic swirling vortex in outer space scientists are not aware of, that is funneling alien organisms that will ultimately rob the food chain of its life-giving nutrients, as well as spread impotency among people.

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Help, Peter Pan (aka Randy Constan)—I’m a Lost Boy!

February 2, 2009

A couple years ago I did a story on a musician named Randy Constan who is in reality Peter Pan. Hey, if he isn’t the real Peter Pan, he wouldn’t have a website that draws millions of visitors and that helps children in need with donations, and he wouldn’t be a guest on TV talk [...]

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Sammon Says – Mounted Heads

November 1, 2008

A bizarre event I covered as a reporter a few years back was a big-game-hunting convention in Reno, Nevada. Two celebrities were there, former president George Bush (senior), and General Norman Schwarzkopf, commander of Desert Storm. Held every year, the convention promotes the hunting of exotic game, animals you may never of heard of, because [...]

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Sammon Says – Phobias Weird and Wild

October 10, 2008

You’re a bunch of sickos. Talk about sick. Look at some of these phobias we have today. I’m not talking about common phobias like Claustrophobia (fear of confined spaces) or Acrophobia (fear of heights). Everybody’s afraid of those. I’m talking about really strange ones, like Arrhenphobia (fear of men). I dated a girl who had [...]

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Sammon Says – Dueling Non Sequiturs

September 1, 2008

Two men who habitually engage in the mind poop of using non sequiturs have a discussion. For those of you who seldom read, a non sequitur is a remark, a nonsensical aside, that has no relation to the preceding comments made during a discussion. I think it’s just a case that fat people have a [...]

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Men Go Extinct

August 9, 2008

You did this to me!Me! The king of the jungle. The ultimate muscle-bound stud. Adonis! God’s gift to women. I’m going extinct! I hope you women out there with your equal rights are happy. You better enjoy me while you can. The Y chromosome, the fingerprint of maleness, is weakening, being stripped of the genes [...]

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