A bizarre event I covered as a reporter a few years back was a big-game-hunting convention in Reno, Nevada. Two celebrities were there, former president George Bush (senior), and General Norman Schwarzkopf, commander of Desert Storm.

Held every year, the convention promotes the hunting of exotic game, animals you may never of heard of, because they’re so rare. I’m not necessarily against hunting, the dinner table of the frontier, pioneer American heritage and all that. Read the rest of this article »

You’re a bunch of sickos.

Talk about sick. Look at some of these phobias we have today. I’m not talking about common phobias like Claustrophobia (fear of confined spaces) or Acrophobia (fear of heights). Everybody’s afraid of those.

I’m talking about really strange ones, like Arrhenphobia (fear of men). I dated a girl who had that.

I don’t have any myself. Weird ones, I mean…I wouldn’t call Alfalfaphobia…fear of the late Carl Dean Alfalfa Switzer, the kid with the cowlick on the “Little Rascals.” I just have a touch of it now, mind you. But I wouldn’t call that odd.

What about Celttophobia (fear of Celts)? An ancient tribe of hairy red-headed Micks in bear skins. How many Celts have you run into lately? This is a real phobia. I’m not kidding you. Read the rest of this article »

Two men who habitually engage in the mind poop of using non sequiturs have a discussion. For those of you who seldom read, a non sequitur is a remark, a nonsensical aside, that has no relation to the preceding comments made during a discussion.

I think it’s just a case that fat people have a lower sense of self esteem. Of course, I wouldn’t know personally. Read the rest of this article »

You did this to me!Me! The king of the jungle.

The ultimate muscle-bound stud. Adonis! God’s gift to women.

I’m going extinct!

I hope you women out there with your equal rights are happy. You better enjoy me while you can. The Y chromosome, the fingerprint of maleness, is weakening, being stripped of the genes defending it.

When it goes, men will no longer exist. Read the rest of this article »

Where have all the kid’s TV shows gone? Captain Kangaroo, Howdy Doody, Mister Rogers, Soupy Sales, Sheriff John?Okay. There’s Barney, some guy in a lizard suit. But that’s PBS.

Why don’t kids have kiddie shows anymore? Look at what they’re missing. When we were kids, we grew up with these crazy people.

I volunteer to become the new kiddie show MC, Captain Muppie (Middle Aged, Upwardly Mobile). A show updated to reflect today’s world, today’s values, and the street smarts and intelligence of today’s kids. These modern kids know more about sex than I did when I was twenty years old. Read the rest of this article »

I have been an extra sensory person for several years now, and I believe firmly that a regularly applied program of pressure point or suggestive or downright mental or physical psychosexual stimulation can add years to your youth, darken your gray hair, and erase wrinkle lines.What, then, is “Auto Esoteric Erotic Stimulation?”

The happiness of the inner being is a glow that must be applied. Read the rest of this article »

Schizophrenia is much more than just being a screwed-up psychopathic basket nutcase. There are positive aspects too. What are the pros and cons?

First of all, if you’re schizophrenic, you have paranoid delusions of “persecution.” In other words, you think everybody is out to get you. Let me reassure you if you think this. I can tell you, there really are people out to get you. Your boss probably. And maybe your wife. When you earn money, your wife takes it and spends it, right? Read the rest of this article »

(A client gets a call from Bob Later.)

My name is Later, Bob. Just make it Later.

Okay, Bob.

I said to call me Later.

Okay, Bob.

Call me Later.

Okay. Bob.

I said to call me Later. Read the rest of this article »

My daughter and I have your average father-teenage daughter relationship.

She has total disdain for me.

How did I manage to achieve this lofty distinction? I tried to be fair. That must be it. In other words, weak.

I let my daughter get away with exchanges I wouldn’t have dared say to my own father. So I can be proud of the fact that violence and threats and ugliness and hypocritical double standards are not part of our household, like it was in mine when I was a kid. Read the rest of this article »

It can now be revealed.

They’re taking over the world. They’re living and working among us.

The aliens of the Tranisiuc.

This is no drill. This is the real McCoy. I’m telling the world in the hope we can do something before it’s too late.

I saw this guy at the automatic outside bank teller tearing up his receipt into a hundred pieces. That’s how it started. I was suspicious. So I retrieved some of the pieces.

It was in code. Read the rest of this article »

My wife keeps a diary, and sometimes leaves it open with the last entry in view on the coffee table. I’m a person who wouldn’t want to read another person’s diary, even my wife’s, diaries being personal. But out of a corner of my eye, on the diary page, I saw my name. I couldn’t help reading. Read the rest of this article »

I had to play a joke on the maid at a hotel where I was staying. You know that little paper wrapper they place over the toilet seat, that thin paper band that is supposed to convince you that the facility is clean? You normally take the paper band off and throw it away when you go to use the john. Read the rest of this article »

I’ve mentioned it before. I get a lot of wear out of my clothes.

I’ll wear a pair of slacks until finally I go to work one day and a co-worker says, “Your pants are ripped in the back.”

“They are?” I ask. Read the rest of this article »

(Sung to the tune of Monty Python’s “The Lumberjack Song”)
“I’m a narcissist, and I’m Okay”

I got called a narcissist.

Am I a narcissist?

I’m not a narcissist.

What is a narcissist?

A person who has grandiose feelings about their own self-importance.

Oh, yeah! That’s me! C’mon! You think I’m going to go through life conceding that I’m just like everybody else? I don’t have any right to feel special? Oh, sure! It’s okay for Paris Hilton to have a fun life and be the center of attention, but not me. I’m just a nobody and should be content to be so. Right! Read the rest of this article »

September is a transition month where summer ends and fall is coming and it seems to be the kind of month where you just say, let’s get on with it (the rest of the year).

September is a reminder month. There are many reminders: That the days are getting shorter and soon it will be dark when you get home from work. Read the rest of this article »

August is the last full month of summer and is named after a Roman dictator, Caesar Augustus. Before he took power he was just a punk named Octavian. After he took office, he could have your head cut off and mounted as a hubcap on a chariot wheel unless you called him August, which also means something that is majestic, admired. Read the rest of this article »

You can’t get any more summer, or summerish, than July. July is the hottest month of the year, and the most American month because of the Fourth of July. And how do we celebrate that glorious day?
By exploding off Mexican-made firecrackers that were originally a Chinese invention. It makes sense. After all, how better to call attention to the implementation of democracy in North America in 1776 than to play with fire and get into pyromania. Read the rest of this article »