I SO want to be Michael Phelps. Oh, not because he’s a demon swimmer, but because he gets to eat 12,000 calories a day! Has to! Every day! That’s close to what I eat in a week!

Can you imagine the guilt-free, unrestrained pig-outs? The unlimited Kentucky Fried Chicken, the chocolate cake, the blueberry muffins, the mint-chip gelato, the mashed potatoes, the chocolate . . . omigod!! Of course, you’d have to work out like a maniac so you wouldn’t gain 300 pounds, but still, just the idea of unabashed food debauchery is very appealing. Continue reading →

So, there I was, driving down interstate 80 on my way to the El Cerrito Farmer’s Market, when I realized I had forgotten to bring along my canvas shopping bag. Damn! I felt certain I was going to end up in Recyling Hell because now I’d have to use at least three plastic bags to pack up all the carrots and other veggies I planned to buy. I could stick them down my pants, I supposed, but that might attract some unwanted attention. No, I’d just have to return home with the poisonous bags and drive them over to the landfill myself, praying for forgiveness all the way. Continue reading →

Ok, I admit it-I caused the recession. You know how economists are always advising consumers to spend, spend, spend their way out of recessionary slumps? Well, that’s a problem for me because I don’t care that much for possessions. I drive a 1993 Nissan Altima with a patch of bondo on the passenger door, wear sweatpants I bought at Target in 1999, and top them off with t-shirts I purchased last year at Walgreens-five for $10.00.I can’t relate to the “Sex-in-the-City” addiction to Manolo stilettos, Vuitton purses, and Prada dresses, and, as you might imagine, I was underwhelmed by the recent movie. The pursuit of trendiness has always struck me as odd since you can never possibly be “in” for more than twenty minutes, even if you could snap up every hot, to-die-for item at Bloomingdales. Continue reading →

According to the relationship experts who sent me an announcement about an upcoming seminar, it’s no longer enough to have a regular old, vanilla-style marriage. We now have to have “Smart Marriages.” From the pages of this same brochure scream the titles for break-out sessions on “Hot Monogamy” and “Ultimate Relationships.” I feel as if I were walking around the county fairgrounds and hearing the cries of the carneys: “Cold beer, ice cold beer! Hot Monogamy! Come on in-get your cold beer, your Hot Monogamy-win this stuffed bear for the little lady!!” Makes me tired just to think of it.I wonder what these so-called experts would say if they could peek in on my “marriage” to Steve. I use quotation marks around the word “marriage,” because although we’ve not legally tied the knot, we’ve entwined our hearts and lives for the past nine years. Continue reading →

Whatever you do, don’t sneeze into voice mail while you’re doing your banking by phone—you’ll end up sending your assets to Kazakstan. Oh, sure, you might get them back one day, but do you know of a Trader Joe’s that accepts tenges? Didn’t think so. Continue reading →

Ever since the Boys of Enron slipped their greedy hands into our pockets and stole our lunch money, I’ve been on a mad mission to conserve energy.

My favorite energy-saving trick is to dry my clothes outdoors on a dryer rack which I purchased from Target and set up on my deck. I’ve never once found bird poop on my clothes. I hadn’t even thought of that possibility until my sweetheart, Steve, moved in with me six years ago. Continue reading →

Dr. Euphemismos Obfuscato was sitting at his desk in the drafty wing of the castle when Senior Knight, Sir Fawnsalot, barged in. Dr. Euphemismos looked up from his work and, upon seeing Sir Fawnsalot rush through the doorway, put down his pen and rose from his chair. Continue reading →