Posing As Normal

Sugar Mama Got No Feelin’

July 6, 2011

My hip replacement went well, with no complications, although for some reason I thought liposuction would be included. I mean, the doc is already in there sawing and what-not, so why can’t he grab a surgical ice cream scoop and have at it? See, this is why our healthcare system is broken—it’s run by paunchy, [...]

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Nursing Home Romp

July 6, 2011

Hang on, silvermuffins, as we zoom ahead 20 years! Imagine we’re settin’ there in the nursing home, reading the following in-house newsletter while cops break up a Bingo fight. THE BOOMER RUMOR RAG—May 2031 Edition: Our recent uprising here at Shady Aches Manor means that change is in the air! From the four choices listed [...]

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Retirement Rookie

February 2, 2011

My bank’s new slogan is, “We treat you like family.” So I’m closing my accounts. The last thing I need is for an officious teller in tasseled loafers to show up at dinnertime to rearrange my furniture, question my salvation, and announce that Thanksgiving will be at my place. After a pathetic attempt to mime [...]

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Posing as Normal: Begone, Satin!

January 3, 2011

Do you ever miss childhood? Me too. I don’t mourn the loss of my mermaid tail, imaginary friends, or the monster under the bed—I’ve never given those up. No, what I miss about childhood is the ability to catapult myself with a full twisting triple back flip onto the floor for a shoe-flinging, head-banging whopper [...]

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Posing as Normal: Sugar Plums and Fat Pants

December 3, 2010

Join me in singing Bing Crosby’s holiday classic with, um, a larger perspective: I’m dreaming of a WIDE Christmas, With every cookie that we frost. Where the icing glistens And people hasten To gain back all the weight we’ve lost. I’m dreaming of a WIDE Christmas Where even “fat pants” do not fit. Grab the [...]

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Posing as Normal: Heading Off to the Holidays

November 8, 2010

Ah, Thanksgiving. A great time to gather with friends and family to appreciate our many blessings. A time to ponder the spiritual kaleidoscope of life itself: Abundance, and love. Gratitude. Hope. Beheadings. Of course, in bypassing the usual Hallmark holiday images and opting to write an intellectual treatise on beheading, I’m sticking my neck out, [...]

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Ticks and Tats

August 1, 2010

I see a therapist for angoraphobia. That’s right, with an “n.” Defined as the irrational fear of fluffy, rabbit hair sweaters. It can be triggered by allergies, a renewal notice from PETA, or by hot weather. I mean, for crumsakes, who the hell wears angora in August?!? Further, angoraphobia can cause injury, death, or a [...]

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Posing as Normal: The Campbell Syndrome

July 1, 2010

Along with millions of other workers, I’m flailing through a life change known as the “Campbell Syndrome.” I was canned. Initially, my family and friends gushed sympathy and clamored for the gory details. But after my third recitation of events, some checked their watches and hurried off. A few more rehashings, and they glanced at [...]

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Still Working and Witless

June 1, 2010

Attention, all inmates!! The “Pilates for Lifers” class will now hold its annual leotard swap in Cell Block Three! Not you, Bubba. Put down that Mensa application and wrap your little brain around this. Jane leaves Boston at 6:14 AM Pacific Standard Time and travels for nine hours on a train—an old Amtrak with itchy [...]

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Posing As Normal: Right to Bear and Date Arms

May 1, 2010

Did you hear about the Korean guy who married a pillow? He joined in holy matrimony with a body pillow imprinted with a female cartoon character. I wonder, was it Marge Simpson? Or Dilbert’s co-worker Alice with the big hair? I’m not a betting man—actually, not a man at all, despite a couple of rogue [...]

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Posing as Normal: CEO, CFO, E-I-E-I-O

April 1, 2010

Good morning, class. Can you say “global platform” without gagging? Very good! Now, wrap your tongues around the following mission statement, if you will. “Our consumer-centric model of cost containment seeks to optimize and empower broad-based initiatives with superior adherence to multi-faceted, top-tier performance while aggressively maximizing an outstanding portfolio of core values and strategic [...]

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Posing As Normal I: Musings on Mammigration

March 1, 2010

“Seems my cleavage hitched a ride with other body parts and migrated south. So much for maintaining property values.” I dedicate this article to the memory of the beloved Disney character, Tinkerbelle, who died this summer after flailing for days on a gummy fly strip. Tink is survived by her somewhat less diminutive sister, Tankerbelle. [...]

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Posing As Normal II: Freezin’ My Ash Off

March 1, 2010

“With our new Baked Alaska package, we’ll gladly toast you crispy, sweep you into an ice cream cone, and then freeze your sorry ash.” “Ode to an Amaryllis” What a thrill to see your first leaf, and your blooms will soon be a treat. But this phase in between? Budded stalk, you’re obscene! Can I [...]

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Posing as Normal: Let Us Prey

February 1, 2010

“The current Edward is a lanky dude with an attitude darker than my ex’s chest hair and a brow ridge that would dwarf a park pavilion.” Furtive glances, brooding pouts, and cryptic comments, interfaced with fabulous tap dancing and glass-shattering vocals. Yes, kids, it’s a toothy parade of hungry, prowling adjectives describing “Twilight: The Musical.” [...]

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Posing As Normal – Lighteth Mine Fire

March 1, 2009

Man, what a rough winter. Not the temperature, but the humiliation. For months my down coat has leaked feathers through the lining. Then, during each workday, bits of fluff waved to the world from my back and butt. My work subordinates…oh, wait…I have no subordinates…um, my co-workers clucked through staff meetings and hid corn in [...]

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Posing As Normal – A R’oze By Any Other Name

April 4, 2008

“Eeyore, don’t pick your nose!” Waiting in the checkout line, I tore my attention from the tabloid photos of Big Foot’s fanny lift, to witness a boy mining his nasal Eeyorifaces and the droopy-eyed mom who resembled a donkey herself. Obviously, popular names have changed a smidgen since Bobby, Tommy, Karen, and Darlene pranced across [...]

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Posing As Normal – Surf ‘n Turf Survival

February 2, 2008

While waiting for an oil change, I pawed through the usual grimy reading material—back issues of The Taoist Purgatorial Review, Elephantiasis for Dummies, and some 1999 meeting lists for Quilters Anonymous. My hand hovered over the OSHA Hazardous Waste Guide until I spotted a pamphlet on survival techniques. Survival, huh? As in running out of [...]

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