I have decided to stop watching television sitcoms. There seems to be a common theme running through each of them that just doesn’t sit well with me. The writers of these sitcoms must all drink the same brand of creative formula, because whenever they spit something up, it pretty much all looks and smells the same. I can envision the initial brainstorming session by a typical writing team trying to come up with the basic premise for a new sitcom.

Writer #1: “Okay, here’s what I’ve got so far. It’s a family. 90% of the show will take place in their living room. And the father of the family is a chowder-head.”
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Lady Debby and I recently walked into a phone store because she needed a new cell phone. What was wrong with her current cell phone? It was old. Two years old, to be precise. In technological years, that’s the equivalent of a paleontologist unearthing a three-billion-year-old plereioiocdusaurus jawbone.

The first thing I noticed when I began looking at the various phone options is all of the features built into them that have absolutely nothing to do with making phone calls. Call me a purist, but if you need a phone, buy a phone. If you need a camera, buy a camera. If you need a nose hair trimmer, buy a nose hair trimmer…(it’s only a matter of time). Read the rest of this article »

Arnold places the worn dollar bill up to his lips, exchanges a short but intimate liplock with the founder of our country, and then tosses the dollar bill into the wind never to be seen or heard from again. Now many of us would say that Arnold is a total and complete spudhead? Nobody with the sense of tree sap would just throw money away. Read the rest of this article »

I just watched a car commercial on television. One of the selling points of the car was a feature that notified you in the event of a car accident. What a great idea. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve pulled into my driveway, gotten out of my car, and the guy next door said, “Howdy, neighbor, looks like you totaled your car on the way home from work. Is that your face imprint on the what’s left of the windshield? You may want to have a doctor reattach that missing appendage once you find it.” Read the rest of this article »

Recently, I decided to go on a diet.Over the years, I have relied heavily upon my stomach for making the food consumption decisions for the rest of my body. This seemed like affective body management delegation, since no other part of my body sends signals to the home office complaining of hunger.

It’s becoming painfully evident that when it comes to job performance, my stomach has been “overachieving.” In a typical business environment, you usually don’t want to stifle overachievers because they compensate for the underachievers, commonly known as the general workforce. Read the rest of this article »

This morning I was driving along the freeway listening to the radio when a commercial about hair transplants took control of the radio airwaves. The commercial was basically equating a man losing his hair to a man losing his ability to do…man things.A few months ago I wouldn’t have been offended by this bold-faced attack on the fragile balding male ego. I would have laughed it off, for it was an attack on a fraternity of men that I didn’t belong to. The Phi Beta Balding fraternity. But lately I’m beginning to see more of my hair in places where it’s not supposed to be (shower drain, hairbrush, cereal bowl), and less of my hair where it’s supposed to be-imbedded in my scalp. Read the rest of this article »

One of the extra perks we receive as parents of school-aged children is school music concerts. This special bonus is similar to your dentist telling you, “On top of your regular cleaning today, we’re going to throw in a free root canal.” Only with a dentist at least you get to suffer in a reclining position. For school music concerts you get to sit on bleachers, where halfway through the concert your butt cheeks fall asleep, which irritates the rest of your body, which is forced to stay awake. Read the rest of this article »