L. Dustin Twede

Old, Tarnished, and Corroded

October 25, 2009

The other day, I installed a new faucet in the family bathroom. Well, to be quite honest, it wasn’t the other day (singular); it was the other days (plural). It’s safe to assume that Lady Debby didn’t marry me for my handyman abilities. Matter of fact, we can’t even use the “handyman” fantasy during playtime [...]

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Dancing

June 1, 2009

“I found her diary underneath the tree And started reading about me The words she’d written took me by surprise You’d never read them in her eyes They said that she had found The love she’d waited for Wouldn’t you know it. She wouldn’t show it.” When I was in 8th grade I had a [...]

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Hiking – April 09

April 1, 2009

I went for a walk in the woods today-or more accurately, I went for a hike in the woods.  I enjoy walks. They allow me to exercise without me even being aware of the fact that I’m exercising. One rule that I’m very committed to following when I walk is the “no incline” rule. If [...]

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Antiques Roadshow

March 1, 2009

The other day I was flipping through television channels with the anticipation of something catching my attention. My attention is not picky, and can usually be caught as easily as a trout at a sportsman exhibition fishpond. But as luck would have it, not one of the 13 channels had anything worth biting. And yes, [...]

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Two Short Pieces – Feb 09

February 3, 2009

THE NEW MILITARY Military experts say that future wars will be fought completely different than any war we’ve ever been involved with in the past. Fighter jets will be unmanned. Cameras will be attached to the jets and people will fly them from the safety of a control station hundreds if not thousands of miles [...]

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Pinewood Derby

February 3, 2009

When I was a boy, I was also a scout. I don’t have a plethora of scout memories, but I do remember Pinewood Derbies. For those of you who don’t have a clue what I’m referring to, a Pinewood Derby is a car race. The cars are approximately 8 inches in length and are made [...]

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Sick of Sitcoms

November 1, 2008

I have decided to stop watching television sitcoms. There seems to be a common theme running through each of them that just doesn’t sit well with me. The writers of these sitcoms must all drink the same brand of creative formula, because whenever they spit something up, it pretty much all looks and smells the [...]

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Cell Phone Phamily Plan

October 9, 2008

Lady Debby and I recently walked into a phone store because she needed a new cell phone. What was wrong with her current cell phone? It was old. Two years old, to be precise. In technological years, that’s the equivalent of a paleontologist unearthing a three-billion-year-old plereioiocdusaurus jawbone. The first thing I noticed when I [...]

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The Lotto Experiment

September 1, 2008

Arnold places the worn dollar bill up to his lips, exchanges a short but intimate liplock with the founder of our country, and then tosses the dollar bill into the wind never to be seen or heard from again. Now many of us would say that Arnold is a total and complete spudhead? Nobody with [...]

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Me and My Hippocampus

August 9, 2008

I just watched a car commercial on television. One of the selling points of the car was a feature that notified you in the event of a car accident. What a great idea. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve pulled into my driveway, gotten out of my car, and the guy next door [...]

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Dealing with an Overachieving Stomach

July 4, 2008

Recently, I decided to go on a diet.Over the years, I have relied heavily upon my stomach for making the food consumption decisions for the rest of my body. This seemed like affective body management delegation, since no other part of my body sends signals to the home office complaining of hunger. It’s becoming painfully [...]

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Phi Beta Balding

June 6, 2008

This morning I was driving along the freeway listening to the radio when a commercial about hair transplants took control of the radio airwaves. The commercial was basically equating a man losing his hair to a man losing his ability to do…man things.A few months ago I wouldn’t have been offended by this bold-faced attack [...]

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School Concerts

May 1, 2008

One of the extra perks we receive as parents of school-aged children is school music concerts. This special bonus is similar to your dentist telling you, “On top of your regular cleaning today, we’re going to throw in a free root canal.” Only with a dentist at least you get to suffer in a reclining [...]

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