Jennifer E. Hewitt

Heart of Home Depot

July 6, 2011

Marla stood leaning against the grill of her boat-like SUV. She had sunken cheeks, a yellow complexion, a straight back, a dazed expression in her eyes, and, with her arms dropped, palms outwards, resembled a martyr exhibiting her stigmata. The other women and I were exchanging words lazily as we prepared to enter the monolithic [...]

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The Best Christmas Ever

February 2, 2011

I’ve been accused of having a severe case of arrested development, but I honestly believe that the secret to a youthful appearance is acting immature! With that said, this Christmas made up for a plethora of childhood disappointments. Here’s the problem: I would ask Santa for gifts that were always given to my older brother. [...]

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Lament

October 1, 2010

“It’s no wonder that New Orleans is Vampire Central. Just think about it. Ya’ve got a population that’s wandering around all night, even in areas that aren’t touristy. I mean, talk about your target rich environment. Half the time people are so well lubricated, they have no clue they’re about to be fanged. “Couple inebriation [...]

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A Pirate’s Life for Me

August 1, 2010

Although he was a large young man, he wasn’t what you’d call an alpha male. He wasn’t even a beta male. He was an omega male, which in a pirate shop seems like a bad choice of places to be in case the alpha and his sidekick beta decide someone needs to walk the plank. [...]

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You’re Just Jealous Because the Voices Speak to Me

October 10, 2008

“Tell me again, why are we taking a yoga class?” Joann asked as she tried to maneuver her body into what felt like the human equivalent of becoming a pretzel. “To keep us limber and youthful, blending our physical selves with our spiritual selves. And to make our sex lives with our husbands more exciting,” [...]

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Heart of Home Depot

July 2, 2008

Marla stood leaning against the grill of her boat-like SUV. She had sunken cheeks, a yellow complexion, a straight back, a dazed expression in her eyes, and, with her arms dropped, palms outwards, resembled a martyr exhibiting her stigmata. The other women and I were exchanging words lazily as we prepared to enter the monolithic [...]

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Poor Fluffy!

June 6, 2008

“Fluffy isn’t moving, Owen.” “Whadaya mean?” “I think he’s dead.” “Nah, he’s just sleeping soundly.” “No, Owen, he’s dead, as in not among the living; not drawing any breath; ceasing to exist-dead.” Owen rattled his paper, folded it and with mocked effort and a heavy grunt, lifted his thick body off the tattered easy chair [...]

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The Curse of the Two-Ton Lasagna

May 1, 2008

“So, he calls me the other day, not to say hello to the kids or tell me when the child support payment would be coming, but to ask me to make him lasagna!” exclaimed Lydia, while wringing the life out of the sponge into the sink. “The nerve of him. As if I’m going to [...]

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