FoolishTimes is 5 Years old! Come Join the Fun!

Just in case the above poster is too hard to read (who are we kidding, we know it’s hard to read, we just find it funny watching you squint) we are listing all the features of the party in a legible fashion right here.

Where:
Golden State Theatre - 417 Alvarado St in Old Downtown Monterey

Time:
Saturday August 23rd - From 4:30pm to 8:45pm

What:

• Double Feature Cinema: “Wall-e” and “Hold That Ghost”
• Giveaways, Prizes and other Surprises
• Free Pizza and Coca Cola products
• First 50 Guest get a free t-Shirt

Schedule:
Movie: “Wall-e” at 4:30pm
Party: 6:10pm
Movie: “Hold That Ghost” at 7:00pm
Encore: “Wall-e” at 8:45pm

Price: $8
(Psstt… hey… Come closer. If you tell them you’ve come for the Foolish Times Party they’ll let you in for $5!!! That means you can still buy your Sunday morning Starbucks. What a way to work the system eh?)

Recap:
3 Movies!
Free Pizza!
Free Coke!
Lots of other free gifts!

See Ya There!

Don’t be misled by the title of this column. It’s a touchy, odiferous subject, but harnessing the power of gas could save the world! It is somehow always credited to Dad, his nightly bottle of beer and his three-bean casserole.However, there is something to be said for the ancient dinosaurs who gave their lives to become the goo in the ground that has powered incalculable numbers of batteries. Read the rest of this article »

Uh-oh. A black-and-yellow fuzzball the size of a winged guinea pig is straddling my sandwich. Whew! It’s a bumble bee, not a wasp. In the bug world, bees are the football linemen, intimidating yet mild-mannered, usually history majors. But the wasp families, including hornets and yellowjackets, resemble skinny basketball players with an attitude. And they crave meat-preferably still breathing.Discover the fascinating world of wasps through: (a) books; (b) picnics; and (c) mowing over a ground nest. Interactive learning is such fun! Wasp removal by lawnmower, however, is generally frowned upon by animal rights people and emergency room staff. So I make tiny traps out of staples and peanut shells, then release the caged individuals in another neighborhood. Not yours, I’m 50% sure. Read the rest of this article »

Jeff Gordon… you’ve got nothing on me. Tony Stewart… try walking in my shoes. Dale Earnhardt Jr… don’t even think about it.These boys every Sunday play around in supercharged flying machines designed to go faster than politicians running to a photo opportunity. They swerve in and out of traffic, dodging each other, bouncing around at times like a ball bearing in a pinball machine.

“Tradin’ paint,” the announcer says.

I may be bragging, but I can do one better. I take my teenagers to school every morning. Even more, I take them to high school. Read the rest of this article »

In my hand I hold a ball…
white and dimpled, rather small…
Oh, how bland it does appear…
this harmless-looking little sphere…
By its size I could not guess…
the awesome strength it does possess… Read the rest of this article »

Aged like my grandfather’s wind-up Victrola,
I love the scent of a fine Gorgonzola.
Velveeta’s cheap and tastes much cruder.
Substitute a wedge of Gouda.
Cheddar’s sharp but eggs taste better
Mixed with salty cheese like Feta;
Add a chunk of warm bologna
Topped with shredded provolone. Read the rest of this article »

Woo-hooo! My sweaty fist holds a $600 tax rebate, thanks to (a) Uncle Sam; (b) countries who passed the basket to lend us the moolah; and (c) the kids who’ll inherit the debt.How lucky that I don’t need my rebate for the mortgage or groceries, and can GO SHOPPING!

I could “green” the house for energy efficiency. Or upgrade my old ten-speed with a Boomer-friendly model, and bike to work. Think: Tricycle with padded tractor seat and “Born to be Wild” mudflaps. Sensible, yet classy. Read the rest of this article »

A short story by Martin DoddExcept for one other couple, Bubba and Birdie were the only customers in Hungry Harv’s Hash House. Bubba thought Birdie was cute enough; the nose ring made her sort of exotic, and she’d been around: Georgian by birth, Floridian by choice.

But Bubba Turnipseed was bored. Three weeks with Birdie had set a record. Once they said, “Thank you, Jesus,” or some orgasmic equivalent, the thrill was gone. It’s hunting, not having, that revs the engine. Read the rest of this article »

Is there any more stirring moment than a Friday afternoon for the working man or woman? People who start Monday with the growl of the proverbial lion with a thorn in their paw on Friday are smiling gently as refined creatures of almost angelic proportions. They are at their happiest when the weekend looms!

Actually, who we are on Monday is a good gage of where we are as a society. On Friday we fulfill the potential of the human race and engage one another as we would like to be treated. That is, until we leave the office. Then out on the highway the carnage begins. Who gets somewhere the fastest to reclaim the lost part of their life can look ugly especially at the beginning of the weekend. Only the drive to the office Monday morning could be worse. Read the rest of this article »

How is one person’s junk another’s treasure? You could say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but backing up one cliché’ with another is likely to have the word police hunt down a writer and slap him silly with a thesaurus. So let’s just say that people have differing views as to what falls into the realm of valuable.

Have you ever driven through the neighborhood on trash day? Very often some piece of discarded furniture will catch your eye. Read the rest of this article »

Congress is currently discussing whether they should pass the Passenger’s Bill of Rights to regulate the behavior of airlines in regards to their passengers. Until the day that it passes, which could be decades from now given the efficiency of Congressional conversations, we will have to deal with the current unwritten, or at least until now, Passenger’s Bill of Rights.

1. You have the right to a snack that would satisfy a gerbil, but only a moderately sized gerbil—not a large gerbil. For those who complain of the mediocre rations and request an extra morsel, you are entitled to one icy stare that will function as a “no.” Read the rest of this article »

Next to eating apple pie at Mom’s on a Sunday afternoon following church, there’s nothing more American than washing the Ford in the homestead driveway.

It’s a ritual that has few equals, save the occasional fish fry at the Catholic church or the summer 4H fair parade…but next to that, any red-blooded American agrees the smiles derived from making the wheels shine is something to behold. Read the rest of this article »

Last night my beagle beamed me a practiced Disney-cute look. But I’d fed her already. Or maybe not. Yes…no. Was I cuckoo bananas? The dilemma resolved with a whiff of her bunny-flavored kibble breath.

Some Boomers blame memory lapses on aging. Ha, ha, and I suppose they believe aging causes wrinkles too!?! True, we have empirical evidence that aging indeed causes birthdays, though for years I attributed my cognitive lapses to hormones, stress, and that Mercury retrograde thingy. But the real culprit? Crappy feng shui! Read the rest of this article »

All across the city, as in every other place in the country, self-respecting adults like me (who are about to lose that inflated view of their image) are locking themselves in rooms with instructions to the youngsters on the “outside.” “No matter what you hear in there, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR!”

Shame on you! Get your mind out of the gutter. This column is about horror, not anything sensual or fun! It’s like the classic scene from Mel Brook’s “Young Frankenstein,” where the good doctor locks himself in the room with the monster to teach him how to be civilized. At tax time that’s when the screaming at our famous uncle begins. At my house you hear the same thing. “Let me out, don’t you people know I was only kidding? #&%$%&@* Uncle Sam!” Read the rest of this article »

DATELINE—Monterey, CA
We at Foolish Times interviewed local gadfly Tom Burns regarding his project to research Big Foot in the Big Sur area. The interview was conducted as Mr. Burns fished in the koi pond at Carmel’s Devendorf City Park.

FT: Hello, again, Mr. Burns. We understand you are seeking grants and funding for the research of Big Foot in the Big Sur area.

TB: Yes, that’s true. It’s very exciting. I need about $500,000 for equipment, field office expenses, and staffing. Read the rest of this article »

What is the fascination of children toward pets?

GI Joe and Barbie are good enough to hold the average scurrying rug-rat, but only for a few years. Invariably the subject of having a pet arises. You can run but can’t hide! Having a pet is apparently a prerequisite to becoming an adolescent! It is accompanied by that whiney, grating, noisy, flopping up and down, thrashing on the ground, holding one’s breath until you get what you want scene, and that’s just me protesting! Read the rest of this article »

DATELINE—Monterey, CA
Editor’s note: We at Foolish Times were “fortunate” to have an interview with local mild-mannered gadfly Tom Burns. Previous interviews with Mr. Burns have been taxing to say the least. Once more, he did not let us down. This interview was held on the rocks at Lover’s Point in Pacific Grove. Mr. Burns was wearing a ground squirrel costume. Brace yourself.

FT: Mr. Burns, we understand you have come up with what you consider to be an end to the border problem. Read the rest of this article »