SEPTEMBER Birthdays:
Wonder what Labor Day, Fall Hat Month, and Better Breakfast Month have in common with your September birthday? Well, you probably won’t labor much as you celebrate in your party hat, and you’ll certainly need to eat a better breakfast than leftover birthday cake.

ARIES (3/21-4/19):
During the Financial Panic in September of 1873, the New York Stock Exchange closed for the first time due to a banking snafu. What would you, an Arian, do in the unlikely event that history repeats itself? Why, open your own Stock Exchange, of course, complete with chicken stock, beef stock, or anything else that makes a good stew base. Continue reading →

August Birthdays:
People often tell you there is no match to your inner light. But there are lots of matches required for your birthday candle light. Which is why Smokey the Bear has temporarily banned birthday candles in the state of California.ARIES (3/21-4/19):
There is no challenge you can’t confront. Like building your own electric car on Petroleum Day-even though you live in a second-story apartment with no outdoor plugs. Did I also mention you’re impulsive?

TAURUS (4/20-5/20):
Although we all desire emotional security, slow your quest for a happy partnership during this Romance Awareness Month by reminding yourself of Paul McCartney’s (or Madonna’s upcoming) divorce settlement or you’ll end up shacking up with the founder of National Failures Day. Continue reading →

June birthdays: June 19th is Garfield’s birthday, which is really going to overshadow any birthday party plans you have this month.ARIES (3/21-4/19):
What do the NBA Playoffs and you have in common? This month, you’ll both take long shots, hoping to score. And how do you differ? You don’t have as many convictions and you don’t make $1,000 a second for dribbling.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20):
This month, Seattle, Washington holds a large Summer Solstice Parade & Pageant, which has recently started to include painted naked cyclists. This recent change really bunches your panties because you cherish the status quo and would love to return to the proper pagan solstice celebration of lighting bonfires to ward off evil spirits. Continue reading →

January birthdays:
How fortunate you are to celebrate your birthday during the beginning of a new year, 2008, a year of new opportunities (you get fired), challenges (car in the shop), and insights (people lack basic manners)—in other words, same s#!t, different year.

ARIES (3/21 – 4/19)
Keep a check on your ego every day except Play God Day, when you truly are king of the world, minus the crown, jewels, and authority. Your resolution: to juggle live rattlesnakes. Continue reading →

November birthdays:
In the first feast, the pilgrims didn’t have mashed potatoes because many Europeans thought the newly discovered potato was poisonous. Boy, were they dumb. Don’t be a pilgrim, enjoy your birthday feast!

ARIES (3/21 – 4/19)
Your competitive nature often places you first in everything and this Thanksgiving is no exception: You will be the first one to finish dinner and the first one to break Uncle Buck’s record for the most turkey consumed in one sitting. You will also be the first one to reach for the Rolaids. Continue reading →

October birthdays: This haunting month is full of ghosts, scarecrows, haunted houses, and parties—birthday parties. But stop telling everyone you see dead people. Yes, it’s your birthday, but you’re not THAT old…

ARIES (3/21-4/19):
Columbus Day celebrates how Christopher Columbus discovered America so that he could inform the Native Americans where they lived. Like Chris, or C.C. as he liked to be called, your poor navigational skills will enable you too to stumble upon the obvious this month. Continue reading →

September birthdays: In KwaZulu-Natal, king Shaka is honored this month. Although you don’t reign over 250,000 people or command an army of 50,000 warriors, you too are a celebrated September figure!

ARIES (3/21-4/19): Mayflower Day commemorates the brave, early settlers in search of freedom in a New World, which is NOT the same as your quest to find toothpicks in WalMart. Continue reading →

August birthdays:
In Europe, August is a holiday month. No one works and the whole continent pretty much shuts down for vacation. Now, if only America would get with the program and appropriately honor your birthday month.

ARIES (3/21 – 4/19)
National Aviation Week honors early aviation pioneers like famous Aries Orville Wright and Neil Armstrong. This month you’ll rely on your fearlessness to also boldly go where no human has gone before: in the port-o-let at the fairgrounds. Continue reading →

July birthdays:
You share your birthday month with Canada, the United States, governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Henry David Thoreau. But when asked to reveal your age, you’re as secretive as Thomas Cruise Mapother IV and his Scientology buddies.

ARIES (3/21 – 4/19)
To win the Tour de France is an incredible feat, especially with the Tour de France devil or El Diablo running about. But, this month, you will take on a similar challenge by competing in the U.S. Open Sandcastle Competition in Imperial Beach, California. Your El Diablo? An unleashed troublesome Cairn Terrier. Continue reading →

ARIES (3/21 – 4/19)
What do the NBA Playoffs and you have in common? This month, you’ll both take long shots, hoping to score. And how do you differ? You don’t have as many convictions and you don’t Continue reading →