Fool-O-Scope

Fool-O-Scope March

March 1, 2010

March birthdays: As you celebrate your birthday this March, remember that your greatest fortune is the large number of friends you have. Don’t worry about the fact that most of them are prison pen-pals. Worry instead about when they get out. ARIES (3/21-4/19): Nature, time, and patience are the three best physicians. Lucky for you. [...]

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FOOL-O-SCOPE February

February 1, 2010

February birthdays: February sometimes has 29 days and sometimes 28 days. It also is pronounced with or without the first “r.” Since this month is so lax, celebrate your birthday whenever the hell you want! ARIES (3/21-4/19): Ever see the movie “Groundhog Day,” in which Bill Murray re-lives the same day over and over? Well, [...]

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Fool-O-Scope – by Clair Voyant

January 1, 2010

January birthdays: Wow, it must be heavy to have a birthday during the bringing in of a new year full of rebirth, resolutions for self-improvement, and new goals, hopes, and dreams. Of course, if your birthday is at the end of the month, forget what I just said. ARIES (3/21-4/19): An old Scotch tune, “Auld [...]

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Fool-O-Scope

December 13, 2009

December birthdays: You already know this month is full of Christmas festivities. But did you know it also contains National Bouillabaisse Day, which comes from the Provençal Occitan words “bolhir,” meaning “to boil fish,” and “abaissar,” meaning “on your birthday”? So instead of cake, pick up some conger eel, mullet, and scorpion fish. ARIES (3/21-4/19): [...]

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Fool-O-Scope

November 8, 2009

November birthdays: Remember, change is inevitable. Unless you use a credit card. ARIES (3/21-4/19): Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is. You know what will make him even bigger? You, standing there trying to calm your fears with ancient sayings instead of running like hell. TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Not only can water float a boat, [...]

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Fool – O – Scope

October 25, 2009

October birthdays: Your birthday bash gets out of control. Unfortunately, “The Great Pumpkin made me do it” is not a defense that will hold up in court. ARIES (3/21-4/19): Your annual tradition of the Haunted Maze comes to an end after a neighborhood kid gets lost in all the junk in your garage. TAURUS (4/20-5/20): [...]

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Fool-O-Scope: August

August 4, 2009

August birthdays: Crows everywhere are equally black. Pigeons everywhere are equally loud. Horoscopes everywhere are equally vague, except on the subject of crows and pigeons, cutting-edge topics indeed. ARIES (3/21-4/19): Dismantle the bridge shortly after crossing it. That way you can take the bridge with you for the next crossing, and enjoy the thought of [...]

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Fool-O-Scope: July 09

June 30, 2009

July birthdays: Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. Better yet to light a candle and curse the candle because you forgot to pay the electric bill. ARIES (3/21-4/19): A donkey’s lips do not fit onto a horse’s mouth. I have tried it, and it just does not work. A donkey’s lips [...]

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Fool-O-Scope

June 1, 2009

June birthdays: A fierce dog ruins a liquor store business. Do you know how many liquor stores have gone out of business because of fierce dogs? Exactly. Do not include the fierce dog in your business plan. Your investors will have every reason to be wary. ARIES (3/21-4/19): After three days without reading, talk becomes [...]

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FOOL-O-SCOPE – May 09

May 1, 2009

by Claire Voyant May birthdays: May is Older Americans Month, which you will be officially joining as you blow out how many candles on your birthday cake?!? On a related note, National Preservation Month becomes more meaningful to you… ARIES (3/21-4/19): In Japan, there is a so-called “May sickness,” in which students or workers tire [...]

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Fool-o-Scope – April 09

April 1, 2009

April birthdays: You will witness a special ceremony. Sorry I can’t be more specific about the details. All I know is that it involves you, a judge, a couple of lawyers, some plaintiffs, a jury, and a swearing-in of some sort that ends with the words “So help me God”-nope, sorry, just can’t make any [...]

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Fool O Scope – March 09

March 1, 2009

March birthdays: As you celebrate your birthday this March, remember that your greatest fortune is the large number of friends you have. Don’t worry about the fact that they are all feline friends. Don’t worry that others call you “strange,” “creepy,” or “that weird cat lady who lives on the corner.” Worry instead about the [...]

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Fool-O-Scope – Feb 09

February 3, 2009

February birthdays: The candles on your cake provide the séance-like atmosphere that enables you to channel the spirits of Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper, who do a birthday tribute to you on The Day Your Youth Died. ARIES (3/21-4/19): This February proves to be the perfect escape for you, the adventurous Arian. [...]

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Fool-O-Scope – November 08

November 1, 2008

NOVEMBER birthdays: In the first feast, the pilgrims didn’t have mashed potatoes because many Europeans thought the newly discovered potato was poisonous. Boy, were they dumb. Don’t be a pilgrim, enjoy your birthday feast! ARIES (3/21-4/19): Your competitive nature often places you first in everything, and this Thanksgiving is no exception: You will be the [...]

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Fool-o-Scope – October 2008

October 9, 2008

October birthdays: This haunting month is full of ghosts, scarecrows, haunted houses, and parties—birthday parties. But stop telling everyone you see dead people. Yes, it’s your birthday, but you’re not THAT old… ARIES (3/21-4/19): Columbus Day celebrates how Christopher Columbus discovered America so that he could inform the Native Americans where they lived. Like Chris, [...]

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Fool-o-Scope – Sept 08

September 1, 2008

SEPTEMBER Birthdays: Wonder what Labor Day, Fall Hat Month, and Better Breakfast Month have in common with your September birthday? Well, you probably won’t labor much as you celebrate in your party hat, and you’ll certainly need to eat a better breakfast than leftover birthday cake. ARIES (3/21-4/19): During the Financial Panic in September of [...]

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Fool-o-Scope – August 08

August 9, 2008

August Birthdays: People often tell you there is no match to your inner light. But there are lots of matches required for your birthday candle light. Which is why Smokey the Bear has temporarily banned birthday candles in the state of California.ARIES (3/21-4/19): There is no challenge you can’t confront. Like building your own electric [...]

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