July birthdays: Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. Better yet to light a candle and curse the candle because you forgot to pay the electric bill.

ARIES (3/21-4/19): A donkey’s lips do not fit onto a horse’s mouth. I have tried it, and it just does not work. A donkey’s lips fit best on a donkey’s mouth. They sometimes will fit on a cow’s mouth, but only if the cow’s mouth is donkeylike in the first place.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Men trip not on mountains; they trip on molehills. Especially in your front yard. Take care of your moles, Moleman.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21): Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere. Yes, it’s true. Knowledge will haunt you and darken every pleasant moment with the realities of existential loneliness and impending oblivion. You were right to drop out of school, but wrong to read this horoscope.

CANCER (6/22-7/22): A needle is not sharp at both ends. Only the end you prick your finger with, which inevitably is going to be the end that’s sharp.

LEO (7/23-8/22): Guests, like fish, begin to stink after three days. So stop inviting so many fish to stay with you. And if you’re the one who’s doing the staying, don’t blame that smell on the fish.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22): The miracle is not to fly in the air, or to walk on the water, but to walk on the earth. Especially after a day at the Monterey Beer Festival.

LIBRA (9/23-10/22): The participant’s perspectives are clouded while the bystander’s views are clear. Especially after a day at the Monterey Beer Festival.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): To know the road ahead, ask those coming back. But make sure those coming back aren’t winking at each other and giggling when they’re giving you directions.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): I was angered, for I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet. Then I got really angered, because no matter how many times I explained my shoe problem, the guy just didn’t get it.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): If you don’t go into the cave of the tiger, how are you going to get its cub? Answer: Pay someone else to go into the cave of the tiger, Capitalist.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): Once bitten by a snake, you are even frightened by a rope that resembles a snake. Hell, you’re even frightened by the guy who made the rope. Even the ponytail of a five-year-old girl will cause you to run screaming. Stay away from snakes this month, is what I’m basically saying.

PISCES (2/19-3/20): If you have money, you can make even the ghosts and devils turn your grindstone. But in the current economy, it’s much easier to hire humans. Plus, they will work just as hard as ghosts and devils, once you’ve explained what a grindstone is.

June birthdays:

A fierce dog ruins a liquor store business. Do you know how many liquor stores have gone out of business because of fierce dogs? Exactly. Do not include the fierce dog in your business plan. Your investors will have every reason to be wary.

ARIES (3/21-4/19): After three days without reading, talk becomes flavorless. Try adding a bunch of MSG.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): An ant may well destroy a whole dam. Especially a big dam ant.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21): Behind an able man there are always other able men. But ask yourself: Exactly why are all of these able men standing behind me?

CANCER (6/22-7/22): Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one. In this economy, however, even the pebble may be worth bartering with.

LEO (7/23-8/22): Steer one’s boat where the winds lead. But do not let One know that you have stolen his boat.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22): You have no idea how much rice and fuel cost without being the head of a household. And if you are the head of a household, ask yourself: Why am I so fixated on rice and fuel?

LIBRA (9/23-10/22): There are many paths to the top of the mountain, but the view is always the same. So, no use climbing the mountain. Just rent a DVD or look at some pictures on the Internet.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): Make happy those who are near, and those who are far will come. Thus it has always been with the party crashers.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): A fire set to a city gate kills the fish in the moat down below. Keep that in mind before you set fire to your next city. Think of the poor fish down in the moat. Maybe you could try getting them out of the moat, before you set fire to the city gate.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): A closed mind is like a closed book; just a block of wood. Much harder to download to your Kindle, but much easier to burn in your fireplace.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): Your smile will tell you what makes you feel good. Be sure to keep a mirror handy.

PISCES (2/19-3/20): In youth and beauty, wisdom is rare. Now you know why you so seldom have anything wise to say. You are young, beautiful, and an idiot.

by Claire Voyant

May birthdays:

May is Older Americans Month, which you will be officially joining as you blow out how many candles on your birthday cake?!? On a related note, National Preservation Month becomes more meaningful to you…

ARIES (3/21-4/19): In Japan, there is a so-called “May sickness,” in which students or workers tire of their schoolwork or jobs. But May sickness can’t touch you, Aries! You are incapable of procrastination or laziness! You always jump into your work with passion and excitement, which gives your fellow students or workers a so-called “Aries sickness.”

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Your May flowers will make people green with envy. But never tell them your secret composting ingredient: bullsh*t.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21): Don’t beat yourself up this month if you behave in a silly, unreasonable way, or if you love on one hand and dislike on the other. A lot of people feel conflicted about enjoying National Dance Like A Chicken Day.

CANCER (6/22-7/22): You should guard against your tendency to mother others this month. Although friends know they can count on your sensitivity and compassionate nature in the face of difficulty, they might not appreciate your attempts to educate them on Fungal Infection Awareness Month.

LEO (7/23-8/22): In Germany, an old custom exists of planting a “tree of May” to honor someone special. Often young admirers would display a decorated birch tree in front of a loved one’s home. Honey, if you had as many trees displayed in your yard as you have admirers, California would have to declare your property a State Park.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22): Your obsession with cleanliness and order may be distracting you from the important issues and opportunities that this month offers. Like the celebration of No Pants Day on the first Friday in May. So stop your spring cleaning and put on your boxers or bloomers because “When large groups of people parade around in public without their pants, amazing things are bound to happen.”

LIBRA (9/23-10/22): Love and relationships are at the heart of all you do. Once you find your soul mate, your most important mission, your life will be extremely satisfying. That’s why May, Date Your Mate Month, will be so much more rewarding to you than last month, Date Someone Else’s Mate Month.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): May 9th is Lost Sock Memorial Day, or in the case of the Scorpio, Revenge on the Dryer With A Baseball Bat Day.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): This month, your high level of energy seems to be continually on tap, as does Dos Equis Dark on Cinco de Mayo. You’re able to tap this energy (from Dos Equis?) to achieve this month’s goals of mass consumption of salsa, guacamole, and chips.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): Because you are resourceful and practical, you can truly appreciate the importance of Towel Day, which is celebrated in May as a tribute to Douglas Adams. Towels can be used for warmth, to lie on, as a sail a mini raft, or to wave in emergencies as a distress signal, or, for those less imaginative, to dry off with.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): May 4th (May the 4th be with you) is Star Wars day as “Star Wars” was originally released in May 1977. Like Luke Skywalker, this month your ability to embrace new technologies will not be appreciated by family members whose calls are repeatedly dropped by your cell phone. And Jedi mind tricks like “You will give me an extra week of paid vacation and a huge bonus” will not work on your boss, confirming that he is more droid than human.

PISCES (2/19-3/20): Your compassion and sensitivity, your instinctive willingness to help others, and your desire to alleviate suffering makes you sought out by those in distress on May 30th, My Bucket’s Got A Hole In It Day.

April birthdays: You will witness a special ceremony. Sorry I can’t be more specific about the details. All I know is that it involves you, a judge, a couple of lawyers, some plaintiffs, a jury, and a swearing-in of some sort that ends with the words “So help me God”-nope, sorry, just can’t make any more of it out.

ARIES (3/21-4/19): A quiet evening with friends is the best tonic for a long day. Sharing your special “tonic” with a group of friends is even better.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Anger begins with folly, and ends with regret. But it feels very, very satisfying during the middle portion, let me tell you.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21): A member of your family will soon do something that will make you proud. I know, I can’t believe it either, but it’s true. Of course, I can’t prophesy how distant the relative will be. Most likely, very.

CANCER (6/22-7/22): The time is right to make new friends. This column was written over a month ago to hit a deadline, however, so that time has already passed and is gone forever, Friendless.

LEO (7/23-8/22): You will inherit some money or a small piece of land. I’m betting on a small piece of land. Since this is California, it will be worth millions, but because of the economy, you will never be able to get rid of it. Congratulations, and enjoy the albatross around your neck.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22): Good luck is the result of good planning. Bad luck is the result of bad planning. Mediocre luck is the result of mediocre planning. Spotting a pattern here, Genius?

LIBRA (9/23-10/22): Your great attention to detail is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing, because it enables you to draw a vast income in that most prestigious of positions, Editor. But it is also a curse, because publishing is going the way of the dodo, dodo.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): Look for new outlets for your creative abilities. Can you paint? Consider taking up house painting. Can you write? Consider writing your mother-she’s been waiting for about a year now. Can you belch the “Star-Spangled Banner”? There’s a talent show on the Fox network you should look into.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): The joyfulness of a man prolongeth his days. Just look how it prolongedeth the word “prolong.”

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout. So naturally your wallet is empty. This is America, after all. Devout doesn’t pay. Start exploiting the weaknesses of others, look for legal loopholes, and seek nothing but material gain. You’ll be rich beyond your wildest dreams! Before you die like everyone else.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): Good things are being said about you. I really can’t say any more than that. A vague fortune, in the passive voice, and mildly optimistic. What do you expect for free? Cross my palm with silver, man!

PISCES (2/19-3/20): If you want the rainbow, you must put up with the rain. If you want the rain, you must get the hell out of California.

March birthdays: As you celebrate your birthday this March, remember that your greatest fortune is the large number of friends you have. Don’t worry about the fact that they are all feline friends. Don’t worry that others call you “strange,” “creepy,” or “that weird cat lady who lives on the corner.” Worry instead about the amount of cat hair in your cake batter.

ARIES (3/21-4/19): Nature, time, and patience are the three best physicians. Lucky for you. With the state of health care the way it is, they are the only three physicians you can afford.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Happy news is on its way to you. It has been on its way to you for years. It has not reached you because it fell behind a desk at the post office. I’m not sure which one. You might try one of the post offices in eastern Europe.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21): Your many hidden talents will become obvious to those around you. Consider relegating your thieving to night, rather than day, and to strangers, rather than friends and family, and to neighboring towns, rather than your own.

CANCER (6/22-7/22): Life will throw you a pleasant curve. Not a Barry Zito type of curve, but a typical sandlot curve you can punch into right field because the right fielder usually has the weakest arm. Hit life’s pleasant curves toward the right fielder. The unpleasant ones you don’t have a chance at anyway.

LEO (7/23-8/22): Excitement and intrigue follow you closely wherever you go. They never quite catch you, but you can be sure they are following at a safe distance so as not to destroy the ennui and boredom you so carefully cultivate.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22): Make two grins grow where there was only a grouch before. Easier said than done, you say? Not at all! Luckily you have numerous chins and can manage all three at once!

LIBRA (9/23-10/22): A pleasant surprise is in store for you. But it will be extremely unpleasant if you have a pacemaker or a history of heart trouble.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): It takes more than a good memory to have good memories. It takes an exotic lifestyle, fame, fortune, and numerous lovers. So to improve your memory, forget the fish oil and start playing the lottery.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): A thrilling time is in your immediate future. Of course, these words were written a month ago to hit deadline. That thrilling time is gone forever.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): Ideas are like children; there are none so wonderful as your own. Of course, your own ideas usually come from someone else. So when studying that family portrait, you might ask yourself why your wife has always insisted on taking her yoga classes so late at night.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): Many people find beauty in the ordinary. You find beauty not in the ordinary, but only in the beautiful. Do not lose this ability. It is the only one you have.

PISCES (2/19-3/20): Something you lost will soon turn up. Namely, your heartburn.

February birthdays: The candles on your cake provide the séance-like atmosphere that enables you to channel the spirits of Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper, who do a birthday tribute to you on The Day Your Youth Died.

ARIES (3/21-4/19): This February proves to be the perfect escape for you, the adventurous Arian. A comet breaks through the earth’s atmosphere, temporarily opening a portal to another world where reality TV shows do not exist.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Ask yourself a question during Dump Your Significant Jerk Week: “Out of all the jerks in my life, who is the most significant?” Don’t be surprised if it’s hard to pick just one.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21): You shouldn’t have any problems with Be Humble Day, as you are modest and unassuming by nature. However, be on guard on Charles Dickens Day, when your suppressed memories of slogging through “Great Expectations” in seventh grade come back to haunt you in the form of three ghosts.

CANCER (6/22-7/22): Let go of the past this Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk Day. There is no whiteout to remove those pictures of you on the Internet. But look on the bright side—not many people will recognize you by that mole on your [censored].

LEO (7/23-8/22): You’ve always thought bigger than most would dare. So, this month, take the creative opportunity to reinvent yourself on Who Shall I Be Day. But, you might not want to try out your new Lambchop persona at your macho buddy’s Super Bowl party.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22): Open your heart this month on Make a Friend Day. Don’t be afraid to show and share your emotional vulnerability, although sobbing on the shoulder of the bagger at the grocery store over the price of kiwi might be going a bit far.

LIBRA (9/23-10/22): Never one to hurt your parents’ feelings, you’ve always shied away from your secret desire to celebrate Get a Different Name Day. But this month, put the niceties aside and meditate until your true name comes to you like a vision of madness, the one name that reflects your alter ego: Snotty Wafflechunks.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): Use your dislike of the establishment and convention to promote a little known but monumental cause: Move Hollywood (& Broadway) to Lebanon, Pennsylvania Day. Just imagine the endless opportunities for Amish extras and bologna and Wertz candy product placements!

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): This month, your optimism comes in handy on Do a Grouch a Favor Day. Do whatever it takes to make a grouch grin. One word of advice, which came to me last night after watching a certain DVD: watching a computer-animated Underdog rap may make a grouch groan.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): This Valentine’s Day, fight your miserly tendencies by giving your sweetie two boxes of candy hearts instead of one. And no, they don’t make dollar-off coupons for a 59-cent box of candy.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): This month, you will experience a disturbing spiritual awakening when Punxsutawney Phil awakens from his winter snooze, pops out of his den, and shares with you the ultimate meaning of life, which will cause you to seek psychological care for an unspecified duration of time.

PISCES (2/19-3/20): This month, allow your kindness to extend to your neighbors. I know you say you’ve celebrated it all along, but I’m afraid you’ve been getting it all wrong. The holiday is, technically, Wave ALL Your Fingers (as in, hello) At Your Neighbors Day…

NOVEMBER birthdays:
In the first feast, the pilgrims didn’t have mashed potatoes because many Europeans thought the newly discovered potato was poisonous. Boy, were they dumb. Don’t be a pilgrim, enjoy your birthday feast!

ARIES (3/21-4/19):
Your competitive nature often places you first in everything, and this Thanksgiving is no exception: You will be the first one to finish dinner and the first one to break Uncle Buck’s record for the most turkey consumed in one sitting. You will also be the first one to reach for the Rolaids. Read the rest of this article »

October birthdays:
This haunting month is full of ghosts, scarecrows, haunted houses, and parties—birthday parties. But stop telling everyone you see dead people. Yes, it’s your birthday, but you’re not THAT old…

ARIES (3/21-4/19):
Columbus Day celebrates how Christopher Columbus discovered America so that he could inform the Native Americans where they lived. Like Chris, or C.C. as he liked to be called, your poor navigational skills will enable you too to stumble upon the obvious this month. Read the rest of this article »

SEPTEMBER Birthdays:
Wonder what Labor Day, Fall Hat Month, and Better Breakfast Month have in common with your September birthday? Well, you probably won’t labor much as you celebrate in your party hat, and you’ll certainly need to eat a better breakfast than leftover birthday cake.

ARIES (3/21-4/19):
During the Financial Panic in September of 1873, the New York Stock Exchange closed for the first time due to a banking snafu. What would you, an Arian, do in the unlikely event that history repeats itself? Why, open your own Stock Exchange, of course, complete with chicken stock, beef stock, or anything else that makes a good stew base. Read the rest of this article »

August Birthdays:
People often tell you there is no match to your inner light. But there are lots of matches required for your birthday candle light. Which is why Smokey the Bear has temporarily banned birthday candles in the state of California.ARIES (3/21-4/19):
There is no challenge you can’t confront. Like building your own electric car on Petroleum Day-even though you live in a second-story apartment with no outdoor plugs. Did I also mention you’re impulsive?

TAURUS (4/20-5/20):
Although we all desire emotional security, slow your quest for a happy partnership during this Romance Awareness Month by reminding yourself of Paul McCartney’s (or Madonna’s upcoming) divorce settlement or you’ll end up shacking up with the founder of National Failures Day. Read the rest of this article »

July birthdays: You share your birthday month with Canada, the United States, governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Henry David Thoreau. But when asked to reveal your age, you’re as secretive as Thomas Cruise Mapother IV and his Scientology buddies.

ARIES (3/21-4/19): To win the Tour de France is an incredible feat, especially with the Tour de France devil or El Diablo running about. But, this month, you will take on a similar challenge by competing in the U.S. Open Sandcastle Competition in Imperial Beach, California. Your El Diablo? An unleashed troublesome Cairn Terrier.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Pleasure week, the first week of July, was made just for you because you love the finer things: delicious food, expensive wine, a nice ride, and a gorgeous house. Unfortunately, Pebble Beach real-estate prices were not made just for you, or anyone else in the real world. Read the rest of this article »

June birthdays: June 19th is Garfield’s birthday, which is really going to overshadow any birthday party plans you have this month.ARIES (3/21-4/19):
What do the NBA Playoffs and you have in common? This month, you’ll both take long shots, hoping to score. And how do you differ? You don’t have as many convictions and you don’t make $1,000 a second for dribbling.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20):
This month, Seattle, Washington holds a large Summer Solstice Parade & Pageant, which has recently started to include painted naked cyclists. This recent change really bunches your panties because you cherish the status quo and would love to return to the proper pagan solstice celebration of lighting bonfires to ward off evil spirits. Read the rest of this article »

May Birthdays
On your birthday, savor your cake slowly. But lest you forget this foolish advice, swallowing several small semi-melted candles will turn your birthDAY into a week-long celebration also known as Emergency Medical Services Week.

ARIES (3/21-4/19):
Don’t waste time this month reading Covey’s “Seven Habits.” Instead, examine the origins of Space Day. Space Day was not created, as some might foolishly believe, by NASA or an astronaut. It was created by the Lockheed Martin Corporation to train kids in math and science SO they could one day become loyal Lockheed Martin corporate citizens. After all, if children are our future, don’t you too deserve to profit? Read the rest of this article »

April birthdays
What a month to have a birthday. The Titanic sank, the 1906 San Francisco Earthquake occurred, and the Chernobyl nuclear accident happened. But, hey, it isn’t all bad; it’s also Mathematics Awareness Month and, um, National Welding Month… so, party on, dude!

ARIES (3/21-4/19):
The American Revolution started with Paul Revere’s ride early one April. Like Paul Revere, your leadership will be celebrated for years to come by your Solitaire-playing coworkers as they retell how you rolled down the hallway in your office chair yelling, “The boss is coming, the boss is coming!” Read the rest of this article »

March Birthdays
Your birthday this month can only be described as March Madness, a twenty-day birthday celebration that begins in March and ends sometime in April.

ARIES (3/21-4/19):
For you, March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. This means you behave like you’re the king of the jungle, your tail ends in a hairy tuft, and you have inexplicable midnight cravings for large mammals like buffalo wings, followed by licking, purring, and resting for twenty hours a day in early March, whereas late March finds you in need of a good shearing. Read the rest of this article »

February Birthdays
The candles on your cake provide the séance-like atmosphere that enables you to channel the spirits of Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper, who do a birthday tribute to you on The Day Your Youth Died.

ARIES (3/21-4/19)
This February falls on a leap year, which proves to be the perfect escape for you, the adventurous Arian. In a leap year, which only happens every four years, a comet breaks through the earth’s atmosphere, temporarily opening a portal to another world where reality TV shows do not exist. Read the rest of this article »

January birthdays:
How fortunate you are to celebrate your birthday during the beginning of a new year, 2008, a year of new opportunities (you get fired), challenges (car in the shop), and insights (people lack basic manners)—in other words, same s#!t, different year.

ARIES (3/21 - 4/19)
Keep a check on your ego every day except Play God Day, when you truly are king of the world, minus the crown, jewels, and authority. Your resolution: to juggle live rattlesnakes. Read the rest of this article »