March birthdays: As you celebrate your birthday this March, remember that your greatest fortune is the large number of friends you have. Don’t worry about the fact that most of them are prison pen-pals. Worry instead about when they get out.

ARIES (3/21-4/19): Nature, time, and patience are the three best physicians. Lucky for you. With the state of health care, they are the only three physicians you can afford.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Happy news is on its way to you. It has been on its way to you for years. It has not reached you because it is using MapQuest. It may be at the bottom of a lake or the base of a cliff.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21): Your many hidden talents will become obvious to those around you. Consider relegating your thieving to night, rather than day, and to strangers, rather than friends and family, and to neighboring towns, rather than your own.

CANCER (6/22-7/22): Life will throw you a pleasant curve. Which is much better than a nasty slider or a devastating change-up. You couldn’t hit one of those to save your life.

LEO (7/23-8/22): Excitement and intrigue follow you closely wherever you go. They will never quite catch you, but isn’t it pleasant to think about how close (yet out of reach) they are?

VIRGO (8/23-9/22): Make two grins grow where there was only a grouch before. Easier said than done, you say? Not at all! Luckily you have numerous chins and can manage all three at once!

LIBRA (9/23-10/22): A pleasant surprise is in store for you. But it will be extremely unpleasant if you have a history of heart trouble.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): It takes more than a good memory to have good memories. It takes an exotic lifestyle, fame, fortune, and numerous lovers. So to improve your memory, forget the fish oil and start playing the lottery.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): A thrilling time is in your immediate future. Of course, these words were written a month ago to hit deadline. That thrilling time is gone forever.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): Ideas are like children; there are none so wonderful as your own. Bear this idea in mind when making your child-support payments.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): Many people find beauty in the ordinary. You find beauty not in the ordinary, but in the beautiful. Take time to cultivate this ability. Frankly, it is the only one you have.

PISCES (2/19-3/20): Something you lost will soon turn up. Namely, the cops.

February birthdays: February sometimes has 29 days and sometimes 28 days. It also is pronounced with or without the first “r.” Since this month is so lax, celebrate your birthday whenever the hell you want!
ARIES (3/21-4/19): Ever see the movie “Groundhog Day,” in which Bill Murray re-lives the same day over and over? Well, you may as well re-read your Fool-o-Scope from the January issue until we come up with something better next time.
TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Guard against your jealous tendencies this month, especially on Valentine’s Day, when your loved one may have other plans. If your partner claims to have to pull an all-nighter writing Valentine’s Day cards for Hallmark, it must be true.
GEMINI (5/21-6/21): In matters of love, you can be fickle. Although the Greeting Card Association estimates that approximately one billion valentines will be sent this year worldwide, they didn’t count on them all being sent by you.
CANCER (6/22-7/22): Imaginative and prone to fantasy, you sometimes try to make your life fit a romantic ideal. But no matter how much you love them, you cannot send a Valentine’s Day card to “The Meaty Breakfast Burrito c/o Jack in the Box.”
LEO (7/23-8/22): The first association of Valentine’s Day with romantic love was documented by Geoffrey Chaucer in 1382, which is about the last time you remember having a romantic evening.
VIRGO (8/23-9/22): Your sign is the virgin, and it’s Valentine’s Day. Boy, it sucks to be you this month.
LIBRA (9/23-10/22): If Presidents’ Day celebrates the birthdays of Washington and Lincoln, does that mean that all of the other presidents were never really born? Honestly, Libra, you must cease this ridiculous crusade to create a “Presidents’ Day Plus” national holiday just because you want to be “fair” to all of our nation’s leaders.
SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): According to the official website, Punxsutawney Phil maintains longevity by drinking a secret “elixir of life.” I don’t care what Punxsutawney Phil told you in Groundhogese: Sierra Nevada is NOT the elixir of life.
SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): While it’s usually good to remain optimistic in the face of disappointment, you might not want to be so obviously joyful by mimicking a touchdown dance in front of your distraught partner when the power fails during the Stupid Bowl.
CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): This Valentine’s Day, fight your miserly tendencies by giving your sweetie two boxes of candy hearts instead of one. And no, they don’t make dollar-off coupons for a 59-cent box of candy.
AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): This month, you will experience a disturbing spiritual awakening when Punxsutawney Phil shares with you the ultimate meaning of life, which will cause you to seek psychological care for an unspecified duration of time.
PISCES (2/19-3/20): If the groundhog comes out and sees his shadow, he goes back into his burrow and takes a six-week-long nap. If he doesn’t see a shadow, he dances to the “Caddyshack” theme song. So BE the groundhog, Pisces, and relish long naps and solitude—if, that is, you can get the “Caddyshack” theme song out of your head.

January birthdays: Wow, it must be heavy to have a birthday during the bringing in of a new year full of rebirth, resolutions for self-improvement, and new goals, hopes, and dreams. Of course, if your birthday is at the end of the month, forget what I just said.

ARIES (3/21-4/19): An old Scotch tune, “Auld Lang Syne,” literally means Old Long Song. What this means for you is it’s time to stop singing the same old tune, and change your competitive ways this new year. Once in a while, it’s okay if your grandmother wins a hand of Uno.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Being of the sign of possessions, don’t resolve to quit smoking or lose weight this new year. Instead, resolve to return all borrowed farm equipment, especially since you don’t own a farm.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21): You hate listening to people complain. So you better invest in some Bose noise reduction headphones and resolve to keep them on for the better part of 2007. Just don’t expect to win Employee of the Year since you do work in the Customer Service department.

CANCER (6/22-7/22): Since you relish tradition, celebrate the new year by eating black-eyed peas and hog jowls with a tall dark-haired man for luck and prosperity. If you’re a vegetarian, kiss your hog-jowl prosperity good-bye.

LEO (7/23-8/22): This year, resolve to let your wacky sense of humor shine more often. If people give you strange looks, just tell them you read Foolish Times. That should explain EVERYTHING.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22): You’ve been too hard on yourself this past year. So, this year, make an easy resolution: vow to put the cap back on the toothpaste. Also vow to take it off to brush your teeth.

LIBRA (9/23-10/22): Early Roman emperors constantly tinkered with the official start date of the new year. To correct the problem, the Julian Calendar was established, but not before the previous year dragged on for 445 days to synchronize the calendar with the sun. The lesson? Be decisive this year, and take those synchronized swimming classes you’ve been talking about for 445 days!

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): You love magic and mystery, and the new year is full of both. Resolve to visit The Mystery Spot in Santa Cruz, where an Elvis impersonator will give you the winning lottery numbers. But avoid the circus or you will be stalked by a sinister clown.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): January 1 has been celebrated as a holiday by Western nations for about the past 400 years, which coincidentally is about how long it’s been since you’ve had a decent vacation. 2010 is your year to travel overseas. Just be sure to watch “National Lampoon’s European Vacation” before you go.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): A new year has begun. That’s only 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days, 8,760 hours, 525,600 minutes, and 31,536,000 seconds to work until your next day off.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): You know that song about you, “The Dawning of the Age of Asparagus”? Well, this new year is time to resolve to take better care of your health and to eat your veggies, especially asparagus.

PISCES (2/19-3/20): Use the new year as an opportunity to get rid of things that make you unhappy, like commercials, the airline industry, and Fox News.

December birthdays: You already know this month is full of Christmas festivities. But did you know it also contains National Bouillabaisse Day, which comes from the Provençal Occitan words “bolhir,” meaning “to boil fish,” and “abaissar,” meaning “on your birthday”? So instead of cake, pick up some conger eel, mullet, and scorpion fish.

ARIES (3/21-4/19): When everything is going too smoothly, you tend to seek new challenges, and this month is no exception. Waiting until December 25th to start your Christmas shopping will lead to interesting and surprising stocking stuffers like beef jerky, cigarettes, pork rinds, and anything else 7-Eleven sells.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Taurus, you aren’t exactly an open book. But you can’t stay hidden in a Santa suit for the whole month. After all, you have to go to the bathroom sometime.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21): Your ruler, Mercury, was the messenger of the gods who darted back and forth across the heavens delivering news. This month, you are like the little elf on the shelf, appearing each day in a different place after discovering who has been naughty and nice. Funny, though, how YOU keep showing up in all the naughty places.

CANCER (6/22-7/22): You are ruled by the moon, and like the moon you will experience many changing phases of emotions this month. Before you open each bright, shiny package, you will feel elated; after opening the second re-gifted present you gave to family members last year, you’ll wish you weren’t related.

LEO (7/23-8/22): Like the three wise men, Leos experience three levels of soul evolution. The highest is the Sphinx, which represents wisdom. The second is the Lion, representing ego and protection. The third is the Lion Cub, representing immaturity and—oh, just give me the presents already!

VIRGO (8/23-9/22): Virgo, when you shine, no other sign can match your inner light. But, when you decorate your home for the Christmas season, no other neighborhood can stand your outer light.

LIBRA (9/23-10/22): December will find you living in some exotic, desirable locale, sipping eggnog, and finding life to be the joyful paradise you always envisioned. It will also find you shelling out more dough for rent than Santa does toys.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): You have the wisdom of all three wise men put together. Perhaps that’s why people flock to you this month in search of ways to achieve their ultimate desires. Either that, or it’s because you’re sitting in a mall surrounded by elves.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): Being exuberant, you love the month of December, a time when everyone is friendly, kind, and generous in heart as well as pocket. It’s all of the other months that the ill-mannered, self-centered, cheap morons make you want to spend at the North Pole.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): As a Capricorn, you understand that the longest journey begins with a single step. You also know that the longest checkout line while Christmas shopping begins with a single jerk who has 25 returns 12 days before Christmas.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): As a thinker, you tend to reflect upon the year’s successes and failures. But please note that, per the fine print, the Foolish Times cannot be held legally liable for previous Fool-o-Scope predictions: “The predictions of this Fool-o-Scope are fictitious and any resemblance to any person, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.”

PISCES (2/19-3/20): Your symbol of one fish heading upward and another pulling downward depicts how you are frequently torn between two pathways in life. I mean, you want to express holiday cheer by stringing up lights, but on the other hand, you want to express your holiday cheer by just lying around on the couch.

November birthdays: Remember, change is inevitable. Unless you use a credit card.

ARIES (3/21-4/19): Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is. You know what will make him even bigger? You, standing there trying to calm your fears with ancient sayings instead of running like hell.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Not only can water float a boat, it can sink it also. Also it can wash it. Also it can be used as a metaphor to mean something far beyond the interpretive abilities of one such as yourself.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21): If the roots are not removed during weeding, the weeds will grow again when the winds of Spring blow. Considering the winds we got in early October, however, I think it’s safe to say the roots are somewhere in the Pacific right about now.

CANCER (6/22-7/22): The mountains are high and the emperor is far away. This would be a good time to climb that mountain, without that pesky emperor telling you every single move to make.

LEO (7/23-8/22): Kissing is like drinking salted water: you drink and your thirst increases. It is also like eating a deep-fried turkey. You’ll need to serve a lot of water with that deep-fried turkey you’re planning to impress your Thanksgiving dinner guests with, American chef.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22): Nature gives us nuts, but does not crack them. This is your month to crack your nuts.

LIBRA (9/23-10/22): A prudent question is one-half of wisdom. Ah, but what does “prudent” mean? That is your task this month. To buy a dictionary and look up the meaning of “prudent.” Ah, but what is a “dictionary”? More half-wisdom to ponder!

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): Remember, froth is not beer. If you want froth, visit the ocean. If you want beer, you’ll find a wonderful selection at the Crown and Anchor British Pub and Restaurant, 150 W. Franklin Street.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still. Be not too afraid, however. Standing still enables you to take root. Taking root allows you to grow slowly. And you should never be afraid of growing slowly. Only of standing still.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): He who lies down with dogs gets up fleas. Let sleeping dogs lie. Love me, love my dog. I don’t know; something about dogs this month, Capricorn. Let me know when you find out.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): Life is like the moon, now full, now dark. Now white, now red. Now halved, now quartered. Now lovely, now craggy. Now being blasted with rockets from NASA at taxpayer expense. Yep. Good old Life.

PISCES (2/19-3/20): Lost time is never found again. So be sure to visit Gasper’s Jewelers to purchase a replacement timepiece for the one you lost. Mention the ad in this issue and get 20% off! Wish Gasper’s a “Happy Anniversary” and receive an additional 10% off! But hurry—offer is only good through December 31!

October birthdays: Your birthday bash gets out of control. Unfortunately, “The Great Pumpkin made me do it” is not a defense that will hold up in court.

ARIES (3/21-4/19): Your annual tradition of the Haunted Maze comes to an end after a neighborhood kid gets lost in all the junk in your garage.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Perhaps spending $350 on your Halloween costume was a mistake, especially since it isn’t flame retardant and you’ve been invited to a bonfire.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21): While it’s certainly good to take an interest in many different things, you won’t win first prize at a costume party by dressing up as Frankenstein and Abe Lincoln’s love child.

CANCER (6/22-7/22): Hold off on legally changing your name to “Count Dracula” after drinking spiked punch, even if your great-grandfather did emigrate from Transylvania.

LEO (7/23-8/22): While you like to be the center of attention, there’s good attention and bad attention, and I think you know which kind you’ll get by “casting spells” on your nosy neighbor.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22): The children might not appreciate your need to create order out of chaos by standing on the corner directing trick-or-treat foot traffic.

LIBRA (9/23-10/22): Your attempts to convince trick-or-treaters that “we should all just get along” will fail when you have one candy bar and are faced with ten kids on your doorstep.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): Your quest for truth and honesty should not lead you to tell five-year-old trick-or-treaters that their costumes are merely a feeble attempt to hide from their true selves.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): You will not derive any great meaning from the experience of eating a whole bag of leftover Three Musketeers bars.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): Although you may view being a ghost at Halloween as meaningless drudgery within a conformist setting, sometimes it’s still the cheapest, fastest costume.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): Don’t plan on a long-term relationship with your date for the costume party—that wart on her nose is real.

PISCES (2/19-3/20): No, dear Pisces, “Bah, humbug” does not apply to Halloween; that’s Christmas.

August birthdays:

Crows everywhere are equally black. Pigeons everywhere are equally loud. Horoscopes everywhere are equally vague, except on the subject of crows and pigeons, cutting-edge topics indeed.

ARIES (3/21-4/19): Dismantle the bridge shortly after crossing it. That way you can take the bridge with you for the next crossing, and enjoy the thought of others behind you falling into the river because they lack your bridge-building skills.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Distant water won’t help to put out a fire close at hand. Distant water won’t quench your immediate thirst. Stay near the water this month, is what I’m basically saying, Waterless.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21): Do not employ handsome servants. Nor should you employ lovely maids. On the other hand, in this economy it’s pretty much a buyer’s market. You might as well get your money’s worth.

CANCER (6/22-7/22): Do not want others to know what you have done? Better not have done it anyways. P.S.: If you’re reading this in August, it’s too late.

LEO (7/23-8/22): A man without a smiling face must not open shop. Think twice about opening that Gourmet Bait shop, Sullen.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22): A bird can roost but on one branch; a mouse can drink not more than its fill from a river. So what makes you think you can go back to the buffet table seventeen times?

LIBRA (9/23-10/22): Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Give a man a fish and a boat and teach him to use sonar technology, and you give him a big house in Pebble Beach.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): Small men think they are small; great men never know they are great. Your duty this month is to find a great man and inform him how great he is. Get to it, Tiny Littleton.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): Add legs to the snake after you have finished drawing it. Also add buck teeth and a fireman’s hat. Take it to a San Francisco art museum. Do not accept less than $200,000.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still. Be very, very afraid, especially when crossing the street during rush hour.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): Talk does not cook rice. Unless you’re the restaurant manager. Then talk does indeed cook rice.

PISCES (2/19-3/20): A dog won’t forsake his master because of his poverty; a son never deserts his mother for her homely appearance. Wait a minute. Who said something about my mother?

July birthdays: Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. Better yet to light a candle and curse the candle because you forgot to pay the electric bill.

ARIES (3/21-4/19): A donkey’s lips do not fit onto a horse’s mouth. I have tried it, and it just does not work. A donkey’s lips fit best on a donkey’s mouth. They sometimes will fit on a cow’s mouth, but only if the cow’s mouth is donkeylike in the first place.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Men trip not on mountains; they trip on molehills. Especially in your front yard. Take care of your moles, Moleman.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21): Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere. Yes, it’s true. Knowledge will haunt you and darken every pleasant moment with the realities of existential loneliness and impending oblivion. You were right to drop out of school, but wrong to read this horoscope.

CANCER (6/22-7/22): A needle is not sharp at both ends. Only the end you prick your finger with, which inevitably is going to be the end that’s sharp.

LEO (7/23-8/22): Guests, like fish, begin to stink after three days. So stop inviting so many fish to stay with you. And if you’re the one who’s doing the staying, don’t blame that smell on the fish.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22): The miracle is not to fly in the air, or to walk on the water, but to walk on the earth. Especially after a day at the Monterey Beer Festival.

LIBRA (9/23-10/22): The participant’s perspectives are clouded while the bystander’s views are clear. Especially after a day at the Monterey Beer Festival.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): To know the road ahead, ask those coming back. But make sure those coming back aren’t winking at each other and giggling when they’re giving you directions.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): I was angered, for I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet. Then I got really angered, because no matter how many times I explained my shoe problem, the guy just didn’t get it.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): If you don’t go into the cave of the tiger, how are you going to get its cub? Answer: Pay someone else to go into the cave of the tiger, Capitalist.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): Once bitten by a snake, you are even frightened by a rope that resembles a snake. Hell, you’re even frightened by the guy who made the rope. Even the ponytail of a five-year-old girl will cause you to run screaming. Stay away from snakes this month, is what I’m basically saying.

PISCES (2/19-3/20): If you have money, you can make even the ghosts and devils turn your grindstone. But in the current economy, it’s much easier to hire humans. Plus, they will work just as hard as ghosts and devils, once you’ve explained what a grindstone is.

June birthdays:

A fierce dog ruins a liquor store business. Do you know how many liquor stores have gone out of business because of fierce dogs? Exactly. Do not include the fierce dog in your business plan. Your investors will have every reason to be wary.

ARIES (3/21-4/19): After three days without reading, talk becomes flavorless. Try adding a bunch of MSG.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): An ant may well destroy a whole dam. Especially a big dam ant.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21): Behind an able man there are always other able men. But ask yourself: Exactly why are all of these able men standing behind me?

CANCER (6/22-7/22): Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one. In this economy, however, even the pebble may be worth bartering with.

LEO (7/23-8/22): Steer one’s boat where the winds lead. But do not let One know that you have stolen his boat.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22): You have no idea how much rice and fuel cost without being the head of a household. And if you are the head of a household, ask yourself: Why am I so fixated on rice and fuel?

LIBRA (9/23-10/22): There are many paths to the top of the mountain, but the view is always the same. So, no use climbing the mountain. Just rent a DVD or look at some pictures on the Internet.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): Make happy those who are near, and those who are far will come. Thus it has always been with the party crashers.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): A fire set to a city gate kills the fish in the moat down below. Keep that in mind before you set fire to your next city. Think of the poor fish down in the moat. Maybe you could try getting them out of the moat, before you set fire to the city gate.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): A closed mind is like a closed book; just a block of wood. Much harder to download to your Kindle, but much easier to burn in your fireplace.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): Your smile will tell you what makes you feel good. Be sure to keep a mirror handy.

PISCES (2/19-3/20): In youth and beauty, wisdom is rare. Now you know why you so seldom have anything wise to say. You are young, beautiful, and an idiot.

by Claire Voyant

May birthdays:

May is Older Americans Month, which you will be officially joining as you blow out how many candles on your birthday cake?!? On a related note, National Preservation Month becomes more meaningful to you…

ARIES (3/21-4/19): In Japan, there is a so-called “May sickness,” in which students or workers tire of their schoolwork or jobs. But May sickness can’t touch you, Aries! You are incapable of procrastination or laziness! You always jump into your work with passion and excitement, which gives your fellow students or workers a so-called “Aries sickness.”

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Your May flowers will make people green with envy. But never tell them your secret composting ingredient: bullsh*t.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21): Don’t beat yourself up this month if you behave in a silly, unreasonable way, or if you love on one hand and dislike on the other. A lot of people feel conflicted about enjoying National Dance Like A Chicken Day.

CANCER (6/22-7/22): You should guard against your tendency to mother others this month. Although friends know they can count on your sensitivity and compassionate nature in the face of difficulty, they might not appreciate your attempts to educate them on Fungal Infection Awareness Month.

LEO (7/23-8/22): In Germany, an old custom exists of planting a “tree of May” to honor someone special. Often young admirers would display a decorated birch tree in front of a loved one’s home. Honey, if you had as many trees displayed in your yard as you have admirers, California would have to declare your property a State Park.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22): Your obsession with cleanliness and order may be distracting you from the important issues and opportunities that this month offers. Like the celebration of No Pants Day on the first Friday in May. So stop your spring cleaning and put on your boxers or bloomers because “When large groups of people parade around in public without their pants, amazing things are bound to happen.”

LIBRA (9/23-10/22): Love and relationships are at the heart of all you do. Once you find your soul mate, your most important mission, your life will be extremely satisfying. That’s why May, Date Your Mate Month, will be so much more rewarding to you than last month, Date Someone Else’s Mate Month.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): May 9th is Lost Sock Memorial Day, or in the case of the Scorpio, Revenge on the Dryer With A Baseball Bat Day.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): This month, your high level of energy seems to be continually on tap, as does Dos Equis Dark on Cinco de Mayo. You’re able to tap this energy (from Dos Equis?) to achieve this month’s goals of mass consumption of salsa, guacamole, and chips.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): Because you are resourceful and practical, you can truly appreciate the importance of Towel Day, which is celebrated in May as a tribute to Douglas Adams. Towels can be used for warmth, to lie on, as a sail a mini raft, or to wave in emergencies as a distress signal, or, for those less imaginative, to dry off with.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): May 4th (May the 4th be with you) is Star Wars day as “Star Wars” was originally released in May 1977. Like Luke Skywalker, this month your ability to embrace new technologies will not be appreciated by family members whose calls are repeatedly dropped by your cell phone. And Jedi mind tricks like “You will give me an extra week of paid vacation and a huge bonus” will not work on your boss, confirming that he is more droid than human.

PISCES (2/19-3/20): Your compassion and sensitivity, your instinctive willingness to help others, and your desire to alleviate suffering makes you sought out by those in distress on May 30th, My Bucket’s Got A Hole In It Day.

April birthdays: You will witness a special ceremony. Sorry I can’t be more specific about the details. All I know is that it involves you, a judge, a couple of lawyers, some plaintiffs, a jury, and a swearing-in of some sort that ends with the words “So help me God”-nope, sorry, just can’t make any more of it out.

ARIES (3/21-4/19): A quiet evening with friends is the best tonic for a long day. Sharing your special “tonic” with a group of friends is even better.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Anger begins with folly, and ends with regret. But it feels very, very satisfying during the middle portion, let me tell you.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21): A member of your family will soon do something that will make you proud. I know, I can’t believe it either, but it’s true. Of course, I can’t prophesy how distant the relative will be. Most likely, very.

CANCER (6/22-7/22): The time is right to make new friends. This column was written over a month ago to hit a deadline, however, so that time has already passed and is gone forever, Friendless.

LEO (7/23-8/22): You will inherit some money or a small piece of land. I’m betting on a small piece of land. Since this is California, it will be worth millions, but because of the economy, you will never be able to get rid of it. Congratulations, and enjoy the albatross around your neck.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22): Good luck is the result of good planning. Bad luck is the result of bad planning. Mediocre luck is the result of mediocre planning. Spotting a pattern here, Genius?

LIBRA (9/23-10/22): Your great attention to detail is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing, because it enables you to draw a vast income in that most prestigious of positions, Editor. But it is also a curse, because publishing is going the way of the dodo, dodo.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): Look for new outlets for your creative abilities. Can you paint? Consider taking up house painting. Can you write? Consider writing your mother-she’s been waiting for about a year now. Can you belch the “Star-Spangled Banner”? There’s a talent show on the Fox network you should look into.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): The joyfulness of a man prolongeth his days. Just look how it prolongedeth the word “prolong.”

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout. So naturally your wallet is empty. This is America, after all. Devout doesn’t pay. Start exploiting the weaknesses of others, look for legal loopholes, and seek nothing but material gain. You’ll be rich beyond your wildest dreams! Before you die like everyone else.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): Good things are being said about you. I really can’t say any more than that. A vague fortune, in the passive voice, and mildly optimistic. What do you expect for free? Cross my palm with silver, man!

PISCES (2/19-3/20): If you want the rainbow, you must put up with the rain. If you want the rain, you must get the hell out of California.

March birthdays: As you celebrate your birthday this March, remember that your greatest fortune is the large number of friends you have. Don’t worry about the fact that they are all feline friends. Don’t worry that others call you “strange,” “creepy,” or “that weird cat lady who lives on the corner.” Worry instead about the amount of cat hair in your cake batter.

ARIES (3/21-4/19): Nature, time, and patience are the three best physicians. Lucky for you. With the state of health care the way it is, they are the only three physicians you can afford.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Happy news is on its way to you. It has been on its way to you for years. It has not reached you because it fell behind a desk at the post office. I’m not sure which one. You might try one of the post offices in eastern Europe.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21): Your many hidden talents will become obvious to those around you. Consider relegating your thieving to night, rather than day, and to strangers, rather than friends and family, and to neighboring towns, rather than your own.

CANCER (6/22-7/22): Life will throw you a pleasant curve. Not a Barry Zito type of curve, but a typical sandlot curve you can punch into right field because the right fielder usually has the weakest arm. Hit life’s pleasant curves toward the right fielder. The unpleasant ones you don’t have a chance at anyway.

LEO (7/23-8/22): Excitement and intrigue follow you closely wherever you go. They never quite catch you, but you can be sure they are following at a safe distance so as not to destroy the ennui and boredom you so carefully cultivate.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22): Make two grins grow where there was only a grouch before. Easier said than done, you say? Not at all! Luckily you have numerous chins and can manage all three at once!

LIBRA (9/23-10/22): A pleasant surprise is in store for you. But it will be extremely unpleasant if you have a pacemaker or a history of heart trouble.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): It takes more than a good memory to have good memories. It takes an exotic lifestyle, fame, fortune, and numerous lovers. So to improve your memory, forget the fish oil and start playing the lottery.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): A thrilling time is in your immediate future. Of course, these words were written a month ago to hit deadline. That thrilling time is gone forever.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): Ideas are like children; there are none so wonderful as your own. Of course, your own ideas usually come from someone else. So when studying that family portrait, you might ask yourself why your wife has always insisted on taking her yoga classes so late at night.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): Many people find beauty in the ordinary. You find beauty not in the ordinary, but only in the beautiful. Do not lose this ability. It is the only one you have.

PISCES (2/19-3/20): Something you lost will soon turn up. Namely, your heartburn.

February birthdays: The candles on your cake provide the séance-like atmosphere that enables you to channel the spirits of Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper, who do a birthday tribute to you on The Day Your Youth Died.

ARIES (3/21-4/19): This February proves to be the perfect escape for you, the adventurous Arian. A comet breaks through the earth’s atmosphere, temporarily opening a portal to another world where reality TV shows do not exist.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Ask yourself a question during Dump Your Significant Jerk Week: “Out of all the jerks in my life, who is the most significant?” Don’t be surprised if it’s hard to pick just one.

GEMINI (5/21-6/21): You shouldn’t have any problems with Be Humble Day, as you are modest and unassuming by nature. However, be on guard on Charles Dickens Day, when your suppressed memories of slogging through “Great Expectations” in seventh grade come back to haunt you in the form of three ghosts.

CANCER (6/22-7/22): Let go of the past this Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk Day. There is no whiteout to remove those pictures of you on the Internet. But look on the bright side—not many people will recognize you by that mole on your [censored].

LEO (7/23-8/22): You’ve always thought bigger than most would dare. So, this month, take the creative opportunity to reinvent yourself on Who Shall I Be Day. But, you might not want to try out your new Lambchop persona at your macho buddy’s Super Bowl party.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22): Open your heart this month on Make a Friend Day. Don’t be afraid to show and share your emotional vulnerability, although sobbing on the shoulder of the bagger at the grocery store over the price of kiwi might be going a bit far.

LIBRA (9/23-10/22): Never one to hurt your parents’ feelings, you’ve always shied away from your secret desire to celebrate Get a Different Name Day. But this month, put the niceties aside and meditate until your true name comes to you like a vision of madness, the one name that reflects your alter ego: Snotty Wafflechunks.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): Use your dislike of the establishment and convention to promote a little known but monumental cause: Move Hollywood (& Broadway) to Lebanon, Pennsylvania Day. Just imagine the endless opportunities for Amish extras and bologna and Wertz candy product placements!

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): This month, your optimism comes in handy on Do a Grouch a Favor Day. Do whatever it takes to make a grouch grin. One word of advice, which came to me last night after watching a certain DVD: watching a computer-animated Underdog rap may make a grouch groan.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): This Valentine’s Day, fight your miserly tendencies by giving your sweetie two boxes of candy hearts instead of one. And no, they don’t make dollar-off coupons for a 59-cent box of candy.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): This month, you will experience a disturbing spiritual awakening when Punxsutawney Phil awakens from his winter snooze, pops out of his den, and shares with you the ultimate meaning of life, which will cause you to seek psychological care for an unspecified duration of time.

PISCES (2/19-3/20): This month, allow your kindness to extend to your neighbors. I know you say you’ve celebrated it all along, but I’m afraid you’ve been getting it all wrong. The holiday is, technically, Wave ALL Your Fingers (as in, hello) At Your Neighbors Day…

NOVEMBER birthdays:
In the first feast, the pilgrims didn’t have mashed potatoes because many Europeans thought the newly discovered potato was poisonous. Boy, were they dumb. Don’t be a pilgrim, enjoy your birthday feast!

ARIES (3/21-4/19):
Your competitive nature often places you first in everything, and this Thanksgiving is no exception: You will be the first one to finish dinner and the first one to break Uncle Buck’s record for the most turkey consumed in one sitting. You will also be the first one to reach for the Rolaids. Read the rest of this article »

October birthdays:
This haunting month is full of ghosts, scarecrows, haunted houses, and parties—birthday parties. But stop telling everyone you see dead people. Yes, it’s your birthday, but you’re not THAT old…

ARIES (3/21-4/19):
Columbus Day celebrates how Christopher Columbus discovered America so that he could inform the Native Americans where they lived. Like Chris, or C.C. as he liked to be called, your poor navigational skills will enable you too to stumble upon the obvious this month. Read the rest of this article »

SEPTEMBER Birthdays:
Wonder what Labor Day, Fall Hat Month, and Better Breakfast Month have in common with your September birthday? Well, you probably won’t labor much as you celebrate in your party hat, and you’ll certainly need to eat a better breakfast than leftover birthday cake.

ARIES (3/21-4/19):
During the Financial Panic in September of 1873, the New York Stock Exchange closed for the first time due to a banking snafu. What would you, an Arian, do in the unlikely event that history repeats itself? Why, open your own Stock Exchange, of course, complete with chicken stock, beef stock, or anything else that makes a good stew base. Read the rest of this article »

August Birthdays:
People often tell you there is no match to your inner light. But there are lots of matches required for your birthday candle light. Which is why Smokey the Bear has temporarily banned birthday candles in the state of California.ARIES (3/21-4/19):
There is no challenge you can’t confront. Like building your own electric car on Petroleum Day-even though you live in a second-story apartment with no outdoor plugs. Did I also mention you’re impulsive?

TAURUS (4/20-5/20):
Although we all desire emotional security, slow your quest for a happy partnership during this Romance Awareness Month by reminding yourself of Paul McCartney’s (or Madonna’s upcoming) divorce settlement or you’ll end up shacking up with the founder of National Failures Day. Read the rest of this article »