Steal these jokes.

The Loan
One day while at her job as a bank loan officer, Patty Black had a frog hop onto her desk and say, “I would like to apply for a lily-pad improvement loan.”
Patty looked incredulously at the frog and said, “I’m sorry, we don’t loan money to frogs.”
The frog replied, “I have collateral,” and he handed her a small ceramic trinket.
Not wanting to be impolite, Patty said, “I don’t know. I’ll have to talk to the bank manager.”
She walked back to the manager’s office and said, “There’s a frog out there, asking for a lily-pad improvement loan, and this trinket is all he has for collateral.”
The bank manager took the trinket and examined it carefully. Smiling, he said, “Why, it’s a knick-knack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan!”

Haircut
Chris had just turned sixteen, and like a lot of kids his age, had very long hair. He went to his dad and asked for a special birthday present: a new car. His dad replied, “Son, I’ll buy you any car you want as long as you raise your grades and cut your hair.” Chris agreed to the deal.
The next week, Chris brought home his report card. He had raised his C’s to B’s and his B’s to A’s. His father said, “I’m proud of you, son.”
Chris figured the timing was right, so he said he really wanted a red convertible.
His dad said, “Sorry, you haven’t cut your hair yet.”
Chris said, “Well, Jesus had long hair.”
His dad said, “Yeah, and he walked everywhere he went.”

This Month’s Blonde Joke
Did you hear about the two Blondes who were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theater?
They went to see “Closed for Winter.”

Foolish Jr. Laughs

“Jokes for the Grandkids”

Q: What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
A: The word “smiles,” because there’s a “mile” between each s.

Q: Who earns a living driving their customers away?
A: A taxi driver.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.

Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light!

Q: What is a baby’s motto?
A: “If at first you don’t succeed, cry, cry again!”

“Jokes for the Grandkids”

Why did the boy study in an airplane?
He wanted a higher education!

What kind of hair does the ocean have?
Wavy!

What runs but never walks?
Water!

How do you make a milk shake?
Give it a good scare!

Why did the clock get sick?
It was run down!

Turning chucklers to guffawers month by month.

The Pirate
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. “How’d you end up with a peg-leg?” asks the sailor.
“I was swept overboard in a storm,” says the pirate. “A shark bit off me whole leg.”
“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about the hook?”
“We were boarding an enemy ship, battling the other sailors with swords. One of them cut me.”
“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “And the eye patch?”
“A seagull dropping fell in me eye,” replied the pirate.
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.
Said the pirate, “It was the first day with the hook.”

Duck Hunting in Texas
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a duck, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence from where the lawyer was.
As the lawyer started to climb over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him just what the heck he thought he was doing.
The lawyer responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied, “You just hold on a dadburn minute. This is my property, and thar’s no way yur comin’ over that thar fence.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S., and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own!
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things down here in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Texas Three-Kick’ rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What’s the ‘Texas Three-Kick Rule’?”
The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, ‘till someone gives.”
The attorney thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor, climbed the fence, and ambled up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s shins, causing him to hop on one foot. His second kick knocked the man right off his feet. With the lawyer flat on his back, the farmer’s third kick caused him to see stars.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will, managed to get to his feet, and said, “Okay, you old coot! Now it’s my turn!”
The old farmer smiled and said, “No way, mister, I give up. You can have the duck!”
English Lesson
“An abstract noun,” the teacher said, “is something you can think of, but can’t touch. Can you give me an example of one?”
“Sure,” a teenage boy replied. “My father’s new car.”
The Physical
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
“Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes,” answered the patient. “You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I can never remember where I park my car, where I’m going, or what it is I’m going to do once I get there—if I do get there. So I really need your help. What can I do?”
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered, “Pay me in advance.”

The Blonde

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is—why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The blonde replies: “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

All About Frank

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more… He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow, some guy, then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his widow.”

The Painter

There was a painter by the name of Jacques, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin his paint to make it go further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Church decided to do a big restoration job that involved the painting of one of its biggest churches. Jacques put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.

He went about erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, thinning it down with the turpentine. Jacques was up on the scaffolding, painting away with the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened.

The torrential rain washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jacques off the scaffold and onto the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Jacques was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke:

“Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!”

The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

“I would like a Sprite,” said the first little piggy.

“I would like a Coke,” said the second little piggy.

“I want beer, lots and lots of beer,” said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

“I want a nice big steak,” said the first little piggy.

“I would like the salad plate,” said the second little piggy.

“I want beer, lots and lots of beer,” said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

“I want a banana split,” said the first little piggy.

“I want a cheesecake,” said the second little piggy.

“I want beer, lots and lots of beer,” exclaimed the third little piggy.

“Pardon me for asking,” said the waiter to the third little piggy, “but why have you only ordered beer all evening?”

The third little piggy says, “Well, somebody has to go ‘Wee, wee, wee, all the way home’!”

This Month’s Blonde Joke

One day a blonde office worker comes out to the warehouse to walk around. As she is walking she looks up and sees a coworker hanging upside down from an I-Beam in the ceiling.

She asks, “What ARE you doing”?

The coworker says, “I need a few days off, but the boss won’t let me have them, so I’m hanging upside down from this I-Beam acting crazy. The boss will see me, think I need rest, and send me home for a few days.”

The blonde says, “That won’t work. Uh-oh, here comes the boss now. You’re in for it.”

The boss spots the blonde looking up and sees the man hanging there. “Just WHAT do you think you are DOING?!!” he asks.

The man says, in a “crazy” voice, “I’m a light bulb…I’m a light bulb…”

The boss says, “Buddy, you need some rest. Take the rest of today and tomorrow off and get some sleep.”

As he is climbing down he winks at the blonde, showing her it worked.

The blonde starts to follow the man out the door.

The boss asks her, “Where do you think YOU’RE going?”

The blonde says, “I can’t work in the dark.”

The Date

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He snatches it out of the air and hands it back.

“Oh, my, I am so sorry, “ the woman says as she pops the eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been so wonderful!

“You know, “ he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? “

“No,” she replies. “You just happened to catch my eye.”

Cemetery Encounter

One dark night two guys were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery. When they got to about the middle of the graveyard they heard a terrifying noise, TAP-TAP-TAP, coming from the shadows.

Trembling with fear, they looked toward the sound and spotted an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

“Holy cow, mister,” one of them said after catching his breath. “You SCARED us half to death. We thought you were a GHOST! What the heck are you doing working out here so late at night?”

“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”

Pregnant

“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said the teacher.

The small boy wrote, “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.”

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Do you know what ‘pregnant’ means?” she asked.

“Sure,” said the young boy confidently. ‘It means carrying a child.”

The Cabbie and the Nun

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her in the rearview mirror.

Finally she asks why he is staring.

He replies, “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’ve been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always wanted to be kissed by a nun.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK,” the nun says. “Pull off to the side of the road, maybe we’ll see what we can do.”

The nun plants a whopper of a kiss on the cabbie! But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied. I must confess, I’m married and I’m Protestant.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

This Month’s Lawyer Joke

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life.

The gang was very happy to escape. “It ain’t so bad,” one crook noted. “We got $25 between us.”

The boss screamed, “I warned you to stay clear of lawyers. We had $100 when we broke in!”

A Healthy Life

Grandpa John was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. “Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he said. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

“Well, you see, my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”

Johnny’s Church

Johnny’s mother looked out the window and noticed him “playing church” with their cat. The cat was sitting quietly and he was preaching to it.

She smiled and went about her work.

A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny trying to put the cat in a tub of water.

She called out, “Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!”

Johnny looked up at her and said, “He should have thought about that before the baptism.”

A Father-and-Son Talk

Son: “Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”

Dad: “Actually, that happens in most countries, son.”

Elderly Couple Engagement

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. They decide to go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”

The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”

Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”

Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”

Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”

Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “How about suppositories?”

Pharmacist: “You bet!”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer’s?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol?”

Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”

Pharmacist: “We sure do.”

Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”

Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”

Jacob: “Adult diapers?”

Pharmacist: “Sure.”

Jacob conferred briefly with Rebecca, then addressed the pharmacist. “We’d like to use this store for our Bridal Registry.”

Hillbilly Birth

Deep in the backwoods, a hillbilly’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here. You hold this high so I can see what I’m doing!”

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. “Whoa there,” said the doctor. “Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there’s another one coming.”

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. “Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down, there’s another one!” said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. “No, don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s another one coming!” cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment and said, “You reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’ ‘em?”
R.I.P.

A funeral director asked a young minister to hold a graveside service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. It was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

The minister was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, he did not ask for directions. He finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The backhoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

The minister apologized to the workers for being late. As he looked into the open grave, he saw the vault lid already in place. He told the workers he would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

The young minister poured out his heart and soul as he preached. The workers joined in with, “Praise the Lord,” “Amen,” and “Glory!” The minister got so into the service that he preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to Revelation.

When the service was over, he walked to his car. As he opened the door, he heard one of the workers say, “I never saw anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic systems for twenty years.”
Buy Everyone a Drink

A drunk staggers into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’d like to buy everyone in the bar a drink and get one for yourself too!” The bartender makes the drinks and everyone raises their glass and yells “CHEERS!” and downs their drinks.

The bartender says “That’ll be $37.50.”

The drunk says, “I don’t have any money!”

This infuriates the bartender, who jumps over the bar and beats the living daylights out of the drunk and throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar and says, “I’d like to buy the whole bar a drink, and get one for yourself, too.” The bartender figures that maybe he was a little hard on the guy the day before and decides to give the guy the benefit of the doubt.

He makes the drinks and they all say, “Salute!” and down the drinks. The bartender says, “That’ll be $42.50.”

The drunk replies by putting his thumb to his nose, wiggling his fingers, and making a loud raspberry noise followed by, “I don’t have any money!”

This angers the bartender even more than the first time. He jumps over the bar and beats the heck out of the drunk and throws him out into the street onto his face and kicks him a few times for good measure.

The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar, but before he can say anything the bartender says, “Let me guess, you want to buy the whole bar a drink and I should get one for myself, too, right?”

The drunk replies, “No way, you get violent when you drink!”
Assertiveness

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

“The funeral director,” said his wife.
Are We Poisonous?

Two snakes are out taking a stroll when the son snake turns to the mother snake and asks, “Mommy, are we poisonous?”

“Why, yes we are,” says the second.

Again the baby snake asks, “Are you sure we’re poisonous?”

“Yes, we are very poisonous.”

The baby snake becomes very upset. Again, he asks, “Are we really, really poisonous?”

“Yes, we are really, really poisonous. In fact, we’re the most poisonous snakes in the world. Why do you ask?”

“I just bit my lip!”

Missing Husband
A lady calls the police to report her husband missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he’s 6 foot 2 inches tall, with wavy blonde hair and a smile that charms everyone.

The police then go to the next-door neighbor to verify this report. The lady next door tells the police, “You can’t believe her. He’s 5 foot 4, bald, and wears a perpetual frown.”

Later, the next-door neighbor goes and asks the lady why she gave such a false report.

She replies, “Just because I reported him missing doesn’t mean I want him back!”
The Farmer
A farmer named Bill had a car accident. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning him.

“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?” asked the lawyer.

Bill responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie…”

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?”

Bill said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time, the judge was fairly interested in Bill’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.”

Bill thanked the judge and proceeded.

“Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and did the humane thing.

“Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, ‘How are you feeling?’

“Now,” Bill asked the lawyer, “what the hell would YOU say?”
Anniversary
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.

The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money-fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said, “Finders keepers.”

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. “Pardon me,” one of them said, “but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No.”

Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.

One says, “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Andy says, “Well, Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday when . . .”

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, “We’re out of here.”
The Hit Man
Arty was a real loser. Every job and every idea he ever had turned out wrong. He thought, if I go into business for myself, maybe, just maybe I can do well.

He thought and he thought-what could he do? Then it came to him-he would be a hit man.

The next day he put a classified ad in the newspaper reading, “I will be your hit man. Give me a call and I will rub out anyone you want.”

Well, that very day, Arty received his first call. The caller asked if it were true that Arty would indeed kill anyone, and Arty assured him that was the case.

The man told Arty he wanted his wife killed. Arty said, “Fine, but how much will you pay me?”

The man replied, “$1.”

Arty said, “No way.”

The man replied, “Take it or leave it.”

Arty thought it over and figured he could use the practice, so he said, “Okay, where can I find your wife?”

The man said, “In the produce department at Food-Mart. Every day at four o’clock she’s there complaining about the produce.”

Sure enough, Arty goes to Food-Mart and there she is, in the produce department, complaining about the fruit being either too hard or too soft.

Arty waits till just the right moment, then he jumps out and puts his hands around her neck. But he’s not quick enough, and she lets out a scream. The manager of the produce department sees what’s happening and calls out. So Arty forgets the man’s wife and lunges instead at the manager, trying to choke him. But another lady sees what’s happening and screams. So Arty forgets the manager and goes after her. By this time, everyone’s running toward Arty, so he says “Forget it!” and dashes out of the supermarket.

He is captured a block away.

The next day the newspaper headline read, “ARTY CHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR AT FOOD-MART!”
Bedside Manners
Susie’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day.

One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

“You know,” he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, “you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got mugged, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.”

She stroked his hand.

“Do you know what I’ve truly, deeply realized?” he asked.

“What, dear?” she replied, smiling to herself.

“You’re bad luck.”

This Month’s Blonde Joke
A blonde girl walks into the salon wearing a pair of headphones and asks for a haircut. The hair stylist looks and says, “You’ll need to take off the headphones first.”

“If I take them off, I’ll die,” the girl replies.

For a while the stylist struggles around the headphones but it’s no use. Again she asks the girl to remove the headphones.

“If I take them off, I’ll die,” the blonde responds again.

The stylist continues trying to cut around the headphones but she’s getting really frustrated by now. She decides to take the headphones off for her, gently so the girl doesn’t notice. As soon as the headphones are removed, the blonde girl drops to the floor and dies.

The stylist can’t believe it. Amazed, she picks up the headphones and holds them up to her ears, and listens: “Breathe in….breathe out….breathe in….”

Perfect Logic
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not interested in fishing, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies.

“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.”

“Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the Game Warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day ma’am,” said the Warden as he left.

The Argument
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, “THAT’S IT! I have had enough. I’m going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.”

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets.

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming, “It’s gone! It’s all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!”

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

“Wait!” he screamed. “That’s not fair! How come he has all his work and I don’t have any?”

God said, “Jesus saves.”
0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset.

She told him, “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds. AND IT BETTER BE THERE!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back into the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.

Silly Jokes for Younger Readers

Q: What kind of illness does Bruce Lee get?
A: Kung Flu!

Q: What do you call a lion with toothache?
A: Rory!

Q: What do you call a man who doesn’t sink?
A: Bob!

Q: What do you call a rodent with a sword?
A: A Mouseketeer!

Q: What do monsters make with cars?
A: Traffic jam!

Q: Why did the pony cough?
A: He was a little hoarse!

Q: What do sheep do on sunny days?
A: Have a baa-baa-cue!

Q: Where do aliens keep their sandwiches?
A: In a launch box!

Q: What do you call a vampire that lives in the kitchen?
A: Count Spatula!

Q: Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
A: He had no body to go with!

Q: What do you get if Batman and Robin get smashed by a steam roller?
A: Flatman and Ribbon!

Q: How much do pirates pay for their earrings?
A: A buccaneer!

The Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar, and ordered a beer. “Certainly, sir, that’ll be one cent.”
“One cent?” the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked, “How much for a nice, juicy steak and a bottle of wine?”
“A nickel,” the barman replied.
“A nickel?” exclaimed the man. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The bartender replied, “Upstairs, with my wife.”
The man asked, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”
The bartender replied, “The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.” Read the rest of this article »

The Ring
An older gentleman walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young lady at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said.

The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man, seeing this, said, “We’ll take it.”

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, “By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.”

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.”

“I know,” said the old man. “But let me tell you about my weekend!”

Read the rest of this article »

Ghost Story
An out-of-state traveler was hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could barely see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride very badly, the guy jumped into the car and closed the door. Only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of the engine to be heard over the rain. Read the rest of this article »

The Question
As a pre-med student, I had to take a difficult class in physics. One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask, “Why do we have to learn this stuff?”

“To save lives,” the professor responded quickly, and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?” he persisted.

“It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school,” replied the professor. Read the rest of this article »

Two-By-Fours
Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked into the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”

The clerk asked, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”
The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck. He returned and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.”
The clerk said, “All right. How long do you need them?” The customer paused for a minute and said, “I’d better go check.” Read the rest of this article »

The Drink
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, “What’cha gonna do about it?”The poor little guy starts crying.

“Come on, man. I was just giving you a hard time,” the biker says. “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.” Read the rest of this article »

The New Baby
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the sight of the ugliest baby he had ever seen.

He told his wife, “There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?” Read the rest of this article »