Sometimes, in the course of putting together an issue, you find a theme presenting itself. Cell phones ended up playing a role in three of our stories. So—hold on, I’m getting a text message. Okay. Sorry. In this issue we have a variety of stories that include—just a second, that’s my cell. Sorry. Okay. Wait, another call. Oh, a text message. Okay, now I can turn my attention back to you, the reader. Oh, wait, no I can’t, because I have another call, and anything having to do with my cell phone is far more important than anything having to do with actual people. What was I saying? Something about this issue? I can’t recall. Wait, I CAN recall—with my cell phone! That is, if I call someone once, I can recall them a second time just by pushing a certain button. In fact—just a second, I have to take this—

Happy Birthday to the Foolish Times, which turns five years old this month. Five years old-that explains all the misspellings, crude drawings, and general crankiness; the failure to understand long-term consequences; the stubbornness; the lack of self-control; and the continual need for a nap. To celebrate this milestone, we’ve put together a fantastic issue, utilizing “writers” and “cartoonists.” But don’t take my word for it-just turn the page. You’ll see a bunch of ads, which is also a funny little way we have of celebrating. Yes, words, cartoons, and ads-there’s probably no better way to celebrate turning five, unless it’s joining us for our celebration at the Golden State Theatre on August 23. Come help us blow out the candles on our cake, and admire how much we’ve grown.

This month’s note will be short and sweet, as opposed to last month’s long-and-sour effort. Highlights of our July issue include Giosue Santarelli’s cover story about obscenely high gas prices; L. Dustin Twede’s hilarious recounting of his experiences with an “overachieving” stomach; and Jennifer E. Hewitt’s short story “Heart of Home Depot,” a marvelous parody of Joseph Conrad’s “Heart of Darkness.” (The humor! The humor!) We also feature a wonderful poem by Kerry Wood, “Hommage au Fromage,” which manages to be “cheesy” without being cheesy. And finally, we include a picture of cat wearing a dress, as the results of our demographic survey pointed to one glaring hole in our humor coverage: not enough dress-wearing cats. You’re welcome.

Here’s your lineup for June: Jason Love gets a cat; Rosie Sorenson discusses “Smart” marriages; John Sammon writes about Auto Esoteric Erotic Stimulation; Rex goes to Tassajara; Robyn takes a stress test; Mary Tompsett writes about plastic surgery procedures; Sarah Flake has a crush on Barbie; Jason Offutt and Giosue’ Santarelli both talk vacations; and we have two short stories this month, one from Jennifer E. Hewitt (“Poor Fluffy”) and one from Martin Dodd (“Bubba’s Big Adventure”), two talented storytellers we are glad to be able to feature in our pages. Balding men will find this month’s cover story by L. Dustin Twede of interest. Dustin lays out all your options: Ponytail, Comb-over, Transplant, Toupee, etc. Me, I’ll stick with Hat.

One thing we used to do quite a bit of, but have gotten away from in recent months, is publish humorous fiction. With this issue we pick up where we left off, with Jennifer E. Hewitt’s “The Curse of the Two-Ton Lasagna.” I’d like to invite other writers of witty fiction out there to think of us when you send that story out. We’ll consider simultaneous submissions—I understand how you could go to your grave waiting for some journals to respond. (Not us—we promise to respond in your lifetime.) However, you must notify us immediately if your story is accepted elsewhere. By immediately I mean “immediately.” As in, “I got accepted at “The New Yorker”! I must call Foolish Times!” We’d like to feature at least one fictional story per month, but are open to more as we continue to grow. So send it in!

We have a special issue lined up for you this month—we like to refer to it as our “April” issue. Jason Love and Rosie Sorenson both expound on modern technology; Mary Tompsett names names; Jason Offutt offers his thoughts on clogged toilets; Giosue’ Santarelli talks taxes; Robyn Justo checks out Italianpeoplemeet.com (come on, you know you’ve been curious about it); and we’re officially starting the rumor that Bigfoot has been sighted in Big Sur (they call him “Big Sir” down there). We have a poem on seagulls! We have Kafka and Costello! We would have had even more, but it’s tax time and Uncle Sam said we owed fourteen blonde jokes and six rants. One of the rants was about taxes. I feel an audit coming on.

A lot of people ask me what an editor does. If you find out, let me know. One thing I seem to do quite a bit of is welcome new columnists, and this month is no exception. Giosue’ Santarelli and Jason Offutt have agreed to join our staff, and we couldn’t be happier. Giosue’ is a prolific political columnist, humor columnist, and feature writer who has been scribbling for nearly 40 years. His story “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?” was our cover story for November 2007. Jason has graced us with his humor pieces at various times over the last two years, always to positive reviews from our readers. It’s a pleasure to be able to feature such talented writers on a monthly basis. It certainly makes my job as editor much easier. Speaking of which, I’d better get back to work. Now where’d I put that trombone?

I think we have it all covered in this issue. Jason Love discourses on the Stupid Bowl—er, Super Bowl; Rosie Sorenson muses on vanity license plates; John Sammon suspects space aliens; Will Fargo gives us the lowdown on Groundhog Day; Rex considers a valentine for Millie; Robyn recounts the fling that shouldn’t have been; Mary teaches us to defend ourselves against bear and shark attacks; Sarah turns her baby into a sugar monster; Tom Davis teaches he-men to get along with cats; and pictures! We got pictures!…oh sorry. That was another web site.

Yes, we here at the Foolish Times aim to please each and every one of our readers. (We can’t help it, we’re mostly Libras.) Hope you have a great month, and thanks in advance for your Send Money to Editors Day checks.

It’s great to read all the stories, poems, and what-not you’ve been sending lately (and you know how much I love what-not). Of course, the more submissions we receive, the more frequently we have to send the dreaded “Thanks, but” note. As a writer myself, I get my fair share of rejections, so if you’ve received one of our “Thanks, but” notes, know that it hasn’t been any easier for me to send it than for you to receive it. (Hey, I even rejected one of my own stories for the Foolish Times. Strange moment there.) Sometimes the material is great, but doesn’t fit our immediate needs. Sometimes we just don’t know what we want until we see it. (Remember, you’re dealing with a bunch of fools here.) Anyway, I hope you’ll make persistence one of your resolutions for 2008. I know I will.

Mike T.

This month we’d like to welcome two new columnists:

Sarah Flake and Mary Tompsett. Sarah is the author of a humor blog at hollywoodflakes.org and has approximately 10,000 readers a month. Her piece “Fruitcake Eaters” is this month’s cover story. Mary’s column, “Posing as Normal,” is featured in several publications in the Midwest, and we’re glad to help expand her readership to the California Territory. Welcome Sarah and Mary! This issue also features a Christmas poem from local poet Stephen L. Millich, and some limericks from other local writers including Ron de Tuna. We’d also like to welcome back cartoonist Monty Truitt after a long hiatus. (Sorry, Monty, we didn’t have the heart to kill the fatted calf. Those big sweet eyes, you know.)

Anyway, that’s it for this month. Have a great holiday season and we’ll see you in 2008.

We have a cornucopia of goodies lined up for you this month. Jason Love talks sand; John Sammon discourses on slacks and purses; Robyn Justo muses on George Clooney; Jason Offutt confesses to his embarrassing videotapes (no, not THAT kind); and Giosue Santarelli catalogs the joys of living among crazy (that is, normal) neighbors in this month’s cover story. We’d also like to welcome a new columnist to the fold: Rosie Sorenson will be giving us her unique perspective in a monthly column that is sure to entertain any reader in these Foolish Times. So happy reading, and THANKS for GIVING us your support. Get it? Get it?

Last month’s “Attack of the Light Brown Apple Moths” cover provoked quite a response from readers (and a few moths). We continue our moth-spraying coverage this month with an article by Aaron S. Birk and several limericks sent in by our talented readers. Meanwhile, Jason Love discusses the manly art of spitting; Robyn Justo gives us the lowdown on Internet dating; and Tom Burns explains his idea for putting Monterey on the map. (I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I have a map, and Monterey is already on it.)

Welcome aboard the September issue, faithful ones. You’ll find pictures from the August 19 Foolish Times party at Mexcal Restaurant, as well as a photo spread of rather blurry and unexciting pictures from Barry Bonds’ record-breaking something-or-other. This issue also marks the premiere of a new column, “The Expiration Date,” by Robyn Justo, which focuses on the dating scene for the 40-and-over crowd. Welcome aboard, Robyn! I would also like to mention that my computer crashed recently and I lost some email addresses, so for you contributors who haven’t heard from me, and who are unlisted in the phone book, please send me a note when you get a chance. My apologies. Boy, do I feel Foolish.

What? Time for another Editor’s Note? I just got finished with the last one! Seems like it, at any rate. Time does fly. It’s been a whole year since I started editing the Foolish Times. Back in those days, we were known as the Monterey County Fool. Maybe you remember. It was crazy times. Housing prices were astronomical. The cost of gas was off the charts. Thank goodness the old days are old. Anyway, I haven’t gotten around to editing this issue yet (still working on the March issue), but I’m told it’s a good one. Here’s hoping it provides you with a guffaw or two, or at least a chuckle or titter. If not, you can always stop by our office at 150 W. Franklin Street for a refund.

Greetings, faithful readers. Tired of the fog yet? Tired of day after day of dreariness? Tired of the depression that stalks you like Churchill’s black dog? Consider getting a divorce. (A joke! We joke around here!) Anyway, this month’s issue is the cure for sure. Jason Love discusses his issues with Time (the concept, not the magazine); John Sammon talks patriotism and pyromania; Rex and Tom fight and make up (or do they?); and Megan Havens meditates on second-hand t-shirts. We also have an interview with Tom Burns, who claims to have discovered the lost city of Atlantis between Castroville and Moss Landing. And as if all that weren’t enough, we have a hard-hitting (or hardly hitting?) expose of anorexia in Hollywood cats. All this at no cost to you! We must be crazy! We must be nuts! Or merely Foolish.

Hope your June is going well! We’ve got another great lineup for you this month, with Will Fargo continuing his investigation into alien activity on the Peninsula; a look at the history of toilet paper; a Rex story revealing our favorite canine?s bedside manner; a rant about handwashing (or the lack thereof); and a column on second-hand shopping from newcomer Megan Havens.

On a separate note, we’re looking for a volunteer to put together a Comedy Calendar for the Foolish Times, alerting our readers to local plays, movies, visiting comedians, anything you think Foolish Times readers would enjoy in Monterey and Santa Cruz Counties. Interested? Then Contact Us.