Thanks to all who came out for our first-ever Foolish Times humor reading on December 11. A great time was had by All. A lot of other people, too, judging from the feedback we’ve received. Clint Eastwood, Doris Day, and John Cleese were among the many celebrities who did not attend. Keep an eye out for our next one, to be scheduled for sometime in early 2010. We’ll let you know once we find out if Café 316 will let us come back due to the police incident involving the fire juggler, etc. (long story). Meanwhile, have fun reading the first issue of the new year, and enjoy your dried prunes, or plums, or whatever they are. We wouldn’t touch one, personally.

It seems we left off the ending to one of our stories last month (see Editorial Corrections, below). Thanks to all who were kind enough to bring it to our attention, as we don’t read the paper. We’ve included the ending in this issue, and if you want to read the whole thing, as you surely will, because it is a Foolish Times Classic, go to www.foolishtimes.net. Speaking of classics, you might also consider attending our Comedy Reading at Café 316 on Friday, December 11, at 7:00 p.m. You’ll have the chance to win tickets to the Monterey Symphony and perhaps other prizes as well. Finally, we’re looking for a volunteer editorial assistant. Might you be that wonderful person? Drop me a line at editor@foolishtimes.net if you’re interested. And have a great December!

Happy November, faithful readers. Enjoy this issue, WHICH IS NOT A TURKEY, nap yourself a good football game, keep your hands out of the way of flying fork tines, and THANKS for GIVING us your unwavering support, except for that time you wavered, which we’ve pretty much forgotten about, although not entirely. And keep Friday night, December 11, 7:00 p.m. open. We’ll be having our very first Foolish Times reading at Café 316. Come listen to some of our local humor writers read their stuff and support Café 316 by purchasing their fine coffee, tea, desserts, and other goodies. Interested in participating in the reading? Email your entry to editor@foolishtimes.net or snail mail it to the address at the bottom left of this page and we’ll be glad to consider it. Space is limited, so send it in!

It’s the month of ghosts and goblins and witches and the World Series and—ahem. Sorry, got sidetracked. And vampires and werewolves. Speaking of werewolves, what’s the deal with Tyler, anyway? Find out in “Treatment,” a humorous horror story by best-selling author J.A. Konrath, author of the Lt. Jacqueline “Jack” Daniels thrillers (most recently Cherry Bomb). We’re delighted to feature Mr. Konrath’s work in our pages. (Be sure to visit his website, www.jakonrath.com, to purchase books, download freebies, and learn about writing, publishing, and marketing your work.) We also welcome newcomer Denise Aisling, whose “Don’t Hijack My Halloween” is her first published piece. Other terrifying topics include the home haircut; a man who must replace the faucet in the family bathroom; limburger-garlic morning breath; the 100 billion bacteria living, partying, and reproducing on your body at this very moment; and the stereo that wouldn’t die. The horror! The horror!

This month we unchained, er, gave our regular columnists some time off for vacation and devoted the issue to spotlighting new writers. By “new” we mean new to Foolish Times (or fairly new-four of these writers have published only once in our pages, the other ten are making their official debut). Many of these “new” writers have actually been writing for years and have published their work either in print or on the Internet (whatever that is-we keep meaning to look into it). One thing all of these writers have in common is a talent for making their readers laugh. That’s where you come into the picture, dear reader. Enjoy the issue, enjoy your July, and remember-light fuse and run away!

We took the picture of the guy on the front cover as he was driving down Alvarado the other day. How did we get such a clear shot? He almost hit us, that’s how. We even overheard part of his telephone conversation-he was informing someone that he was, at the moment, eating a doughnut. VERY important information that ABSOLUTELY needed to be transmitted THEN and THERE and could NOT be delayed until later. Meanwhile, as he engaged in this earth-shattering (not to mention law-breaking) conversation, a couple of cars veered out of his way, two pedestrians went flying, and a red light was thoroughly ignored. Anyway, enjoy this salute to the modern American driver-although not while driving, of course. I mean, how would you hold your coffee and doughnut?

Mike T.
Editorial Fool
editor@foolishtimes.net

We’ve been planning our “Blast from the Past” issue for some time now, but it’s taken awhile to put together. As we worked our way through the archives, we began to get a sort of “Uh-oh” feeling. As in, “Uh-oh, we have WAY too many favorite stories, cartoons, limericks, photos, etc. than we can possibly feature in a single ‘best of’ issue.” Which is why you see “Vol. 1″ on the cover. Truth is, we have enough material to fill at least three issues, and we’re still digging around in the vault. So if your favorite writer or story isn’t represented in these particular pages, sit tight-this is your classic case of a work-in-progress, the key word being “classic.” If you have any favorites you’d like to see honored in a future issue, feel free to shoot me an email. Or just shoot me. It’s too hard making these types of decisions.

Due to economic conditions, we’ve been forced to raise our price from free to gratis. We did everything we could to avoid it. But we really needed the gratis. Why? To pay for our new digs, of course! And the Jacuzzi. And the Mercedes. Plus, it’s just hard being funny all the time. Look at how miserably I’m failing now! Anyway, we have a great issue this month, with three newcomers we’re proud to bring into the fold. Brent Basham’s “Redneck Review” is guaranteed to keep all y’all laughin’; humor columnist Leeuna Foster debuts with a hilarious look at the fifties; and Tim Mollen contributes his unique “Lost Journal,” in which he documents his past as though it were the present. This month he records his birth. Yes, his birth. That’s exactly the kind of top-notch foolishness you get for gratis.

We’ve started the New Year with a bang here at Foolish Times—and a reminder that firecrackers are best enjoyed OUTSIDE the office. Anyway, just listen to these story titles, and tell me you don’t want to jump right in and start your New Year’s worth of Foolish reading: “Fire Training,” “The Glass Slipper and the Codpiece,” “Womentoiletopia,” “Writimus Blockosis,” and “Job Hopping in the Ancient World,” a hilarious short story by newcomer Andrew Grossman. We’ll be featuring lots of new writers this year, in fact. But don’t fret—we still have all the usual suspects: Rex, Clair Voyant, Anonymous, the Unknown Cartoonist, and Sir Henry de Tunahuna. I dare you to find a more colorful lineup in all the California Territory. Thanks for reading us so faithfully, and stay tuned: we have big plans for 2009, and anyway, you don’t want to be out of tune.

What a time of turmoil-presidential election, escalating fuel prices, roiling stock market, the Colts fighting for a wild card spot. Verily, the last days are upon us. But one thing you can count on in these foolish times is Foolish Times. In this issue Tim Ehlerding talks about presidential mud-slinging; Sheila Moss reports on the gas crisis; Rosie Sorenson offers practical advice for keeping your sanity in the midst of insanity; Giosue Santarelli tips us off on the best bargain currently going; and Jason Love talks kitesurfing (for our money, the cheapest way to get to work, although coming down Alvarado Street can be tricky). Our popular “Inbox” department focuses on investment tips, new stock market terms, and more. Foolish Times-you know we will always be there for you. Unless there’s a game on or something.

Sometimes, in the course of putting together an issue, you find a theme presenting itself. Cell phones ended up playing a role in three of our stories. So—hold on, I’m getting a text message. Okay. Sorry. In this issue we have a variety of stories that include—just a second, that’s my cell. Sorry. Okay. Wait, another call. Oh, a text message. Okay, now I can turn my attention back to you, the reader. Oh, wait, no I can’t, because I have another call, and anything having to do with my cell phone is far more important than anything having to do with actual people. What was I saying? Something about this issue? I can’t recall. Wait, I CAN recall—with my cell phone! That is, if I call someone once, I can recall them a second time just by pushing a certain button. In fact—just a second, I have to take this—

Thanks to everyone who attended our Annual Birthday Bash! There were only three arrests, and amazingly the fire department was not needed this year. A few notes about this issue: Summer brings with it vacations (for some people, anyway). “Adventures with Rex” is on hiatus as Rex and Millie have run off to Vegas (or is that just a rumor?). Also taking a summer break are Sarah Flake and Cory Pina. Helping us out this month are writers Ben Haley, Rose Cooper, and Arlen Grossman, and we think you’ll get a kick out of what they have to say. So enjoy the issue, thanks for five years of support, and be sure to circle the following date on your calendar for our next party: Sometime!

Happy Birthday to the Foolish Times, which turns five years old this month. Five years old-that explains all the misspellings, crude drawings, and general crankiness; the failure to understand long-term consequences; the stubbornness; the lack of self-control; and the continual need for a nap. To celebrate this milestone, we’ve put together a fantastic issue, utilizing “writers” and “cartoonists.” But don’t take my word for it-just turn the page. You’ll see a bunch of ads, which is also a funny little way we have of celebrating. Yes, words, cartoons, and ads-there’s probably no better way to celebrate turning five, unless it’s joining us for our celebration at the Golden State Theatre on August 23. Come help us blow out the candles on our cake, and admire how much we’ve grown.

This month’s note will be short and sweet, as opposed to last month’s long-and-sour effort. Highlights of our July issue include Giosue Santarelli’s cover story about obscenely high gas prices; L. Dustin Twede’s hilarious recounting of his experiences with an “overachieving” stomach; and Jennifer E. Hewitt’s short story “Heart of Home Depot,” a marvelous parody of Joseph Conrad’s “Heart of Darkness.” (The humor! The humor!) We also feature a wonderful poem by Kerry Wood, “Hommage au Fromage,” which manages to be “cheesy” without being cheesy. And finally, we include a picture of cat wearing a dress, as the results of our demographic survey pointed to one glaring hole in our humor coverage: not enough dress-wearing cats. You’re welcome.

Here’s your lineup for June: Jason Love gets a cat; Rosie Sorenson discusses “Smart” marriages; John Sammon writes about Auto Esoteric Erotic Stimulation; Rex goes to Tassajara; Robyn takes a stress test; Mary Tompsett writes about plastic surgery procedures; Sarah Flake has a crush on Barbie; Jason Offutt and Giosue’ Santarelli both talk vacations; and we have two short stories this month, one from Jennifer E. Hewitt (“Poor Fluffy”) and one from Martin Dodd (“Bubba’s Big Adventure”), two talented storytellers we are glad to be able to feature in our pages. Balding men will find this month’s cover story by L. Dustin Twede of interest. Dustin lays out all your options: Ponytail, Comb-over, Transplant, Toupee, etc. Me, I’ll stick with Hat.

One thing we used to do quite a bit of, but have gotten away from in recent months, is publish humorous fiction. With this issue we pick up where we left off, with Jennifer E. Hewitt’s “The Curse of the Two-Ton Lasagna.” I’d like to invite other writers of witty fiction out there to think of us when you send that story out. We’ll consider simultaneous submissions—I understand how you could go to your grave waiting for some journals to respond. (Not us—we promise to respond in your lifetime.) However, you must notify us immediately if your story is accepted elsewhere. By immediately I mean “immediately.” As in, “I got accepted at “The New Yorker”! I must call Foolish Times!” We’d like to feature at least one fictional story per month, but are open to more as we continue to grow. So send it in!

We have a special issue lined up for you this month—we like to refer to it as our “April” issue. Jason Love and Rosie Sorenson both expound on modern technology; Mary Tompsett names names; Jason Offutt offers his thoughts on clogged toilets; Giosue’ Santarelli talks taxes; Robyn Justo checks out Italianpeoplemeet.com (come on, you know you’ve been curious about it); and we’re officially starting the rumor that Bigfoot has been sighted in Big Sur (they call him “Big Sir” down there). We have a poem on seagulls! We have Kafka and Costello! We would have had even more, but it’s tax time and Uncle Sam said we owed fourteen blonde jokes and six rants. One of the rants was about taxes. I feel an audit coming on.