Best of the Inbox
July 1st, 2009 by Anonymous
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Three Mysteries-Can You Solve Them?
MYSTERY NUMBER ONE
A man was found murdered Sunday morning.
His wife immediately called the police.
The police questioned the wife and staff and got these answers:
The wife said she was sleeping.
The cook was preparing breakfast.
The gardener was gathering vegetables.
The maid was getting the mail.
The butler was polishing shoes in the pantry.
The police instantly arrested the murderer.
Who did it and how did they know?
MYSTERY NUMBER TWO
A man walks into his bathroom and shoots himself right between the eyes using a real gun with real bullets.
He walks out alive, with no blood anywhere and no, he didn’t miss and he wasn’t Superman or any other crusader wearing a cape.
How did he do this?
MYSTERY NUMBER THREE
Old Mr. Teddy was found dead in his study by Mr. Fiend.
Mr. Fiend recounted his dismal discovery to the police: “I was walking by Mr. Teddy’s house when I thought I would just pop in for a visit. I noticed his study light was on and I decided to peek in from the outside to see if he was in there. There was frost on the window, so I had to wipe it away to see inside. That is when I saw his body. So I kicked in the front door to confirm my suspicions of foul play. I called the police immediately afterward.”
The officer immediately arrested Mr. Fiend for the murder of Mr. Teddy.
How did he know Mr. Fiend was lying?
ANSWERS:
1. It was the maid. She said she was getting the mail, but there is no mail delivery on Sunday.
2. He shot his reflection in the bathroom mirror.
3. Frost forms inside of the window, not the outside. So Mr. Fiend could not have wiped it off to discover Mr. Teddy’s body.
Did you get them right?
A Lesson in Financial Planning
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his wealthy future.
Soon one evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her stunning beauty took his breath away. With his heart beating wildly, he went up to her and said, “I may look like just an ordinary man, but in a few short years my father will die, and I’ll inherit $200 million.”
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card, smiled, and kissed him on the cheek.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Signs That Your Dog Is a Furry Child
1. You always carry a picture of your dog in your wallet, and you show it off often.
2. When buying a vehicle, you specifically shop for one that will comfortably accommodate your dog.
3. Your dog has his or her own stocking and gifts under the Christmas tree.
4. Before going out into the cold, you dress your dog in the proper gear.
5. There is a seatbelt or car seat in your vehicle for your dog.
6. You always keep dog biscuits in your purse.
7. When cleaning out your pockets before doing laundry, you find doggie-doo bags.
8. The plant life in your home includes pet-safe plants.
9. Your dog has birthday parties.
10. Instead of the kennel, your dog goes to Grandma’s house.
11. On the way to and from work, you stop at the doggie daycare.
12. Your dog has health insurance.
13. There are arrangements in your will for your dog.
14. You have been known to take your dog to the mall in a stroller or a papoose.
15. Your friends threw you a shower when you got your puppy.
16. You’ve called off work because your dog is ill.
17. Spending quality time with your dog every day is a priority.
18. Kisses from your dog are not gross, they’re welcomed!
Real Doctor Names
The following are real doctor names, contributed from a medical editors’ website:
Chiropractor: Dr. Bone
Child Psychiatrist: Dr. Seuss
Dentists: Dr. Yiping Fang, Dr. Sugar, Dr. Tusk, Dr. Yankem, Dr. Les Plaque, Dr. Lippin
Dermatologists: Dr. Wolfgang Pimpl, Dr. DeMento
Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor: Dr. Hock
Gastroenterologist: Dr. Butt
General Practitioner: Dr. Malady
In vitro fertilization: Dr. Studd
Neurologists: Dr. Brain, Dr. Daze, Dr. Hurt, Walter Russell Brain, Baron Brain of Eynsham (British)
Ob/Gyns: Dr. Virgin, Dr. Grewcock
Oncologists: Drs. Balls and Dichy (pronounce “ch” in Ditchy as “k” sound)
Opthamologists: Dr. Blinder, Dr. I. Glass
Orthodontists: Dr. Crook, Dr. Grille
Orthopedic Surgeons: Dr. Doctor (always funny to hear him paged), Dr. Duck (her license plate was something like “1 QUACK”), Dr. Bonebreak
Podiatrist: Dr. Smelsey
Pain Specialist: Dr. Payne
Pediatricians: Dr. Childs, Dr. Kidd
Psychiatrist: Dr. Crane
Psychologist: Dr. Strange
Surgeons: Dr. Ripps and Dr. Nipper (apparently a surgery team!), Dr. Van Cutsem (hailing from Belgium), Dr. Slaughter, Dr. Butcher
Urologists: Dr. Dong, Dr. Small, Dr. Leak, and Wellington Hung (he requested that no one shorten his first name)
You Know You’re Grown Up When…
Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
Six a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up.”
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
You’re the one calling the police because those %$#&*^ kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Eating a basket of chicken wings at three a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
You go to the drugstore for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no “pretty good.”
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
“I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
Ninety percent of the time you spend in front of the computer is for real work.
You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
When you find out your friend is pregnant, you congratulate her instead of asking, “Oh, crap, what the hell happened?”
Bonus: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you-and can’t find one.
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