Three Mysteries-Can You Solve Them?

MYSTERY NUMBER ONE

A man was found murdered Sunday morning.

His wife immediately called the police.

The police questioned the wife and staff and got these answers:

The wife said she was sleeping.

The cook was preparing breakfast.

The gardener was gathering vegetables.

The maid was getting the mail.

The butler was polishing shoes in the pantry.

The police instantly arrested the murderer.

Who did it and how did they know?

MYSTERY NUMBER TWO

A man walks into his bathroom and shoots himself right between the eyes using a real gun with real bullets.

He walks out alive, with no blood anywhere and no, he didn’t miss and he wasn’t Superman or any other crusader wearing a cape.

How did he do this?

MYSTERY NUMBER THREE

Old Mr. Teddy was found dead in his study by Mr. Fiend.

Mr. Fiend recounted his dismal discovery to the police: “I was walking by Mr. Teddy’s house when I thought I would just pop in for a visit. I noticed his study light was on and I decided to peek in from the outside to see if he was in there. There was frost on the window, so I had to wipe it away to see inside. That is when I saw his body. So I kicked in the front door to confirm my suspicions of foul play. I called the police immediately afterward.”

The officer immediately arrested Mr. Fiend for the murder of Mr. Teddy.

How did he know Mr. Fiend was lying?

ANSWERS:

1. It was the maid. She said she was getting the mail, but there is no mail delivery on Sunday.

2. He shot his reflection in the bathroom mirror.

3. Frost forms inside of the window, not the outside. So Mr. Fiend could not have wiped it off to discover Mr. Teddy’s body.

Did you get them right?
A Lesson in Financial Planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his wealthy future.

Soon one evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her stunning beauty took his breath away. With his heart beating wildly, he went up to her and said, “I may look like just an ordinary man, but in a few short years my father will die, and I’ll inherit $200 million.”

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card, smiled, and kissed him on the cheek.

Three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Signs That Your Dog Is a Furry Child

1. You always carry a picture of your dog in your wallet, and you show it off often.
2. When buying a vehicle, you specifically shop for one that will comfortably accommodate your dog.
3. Your dog has his or her own stocking and gifts under the Christmas tree.
4. Before going out into the cold, you dress your dog in the proper gear.
5. There is a seatbelt or car seat in your vehicle for your dog.
6. You always keep dog biscuits in your purse.
7. When cleaning out your pockets before doing laundry, you find doggie-doo bags.
8. The plant life in your home includes pet-safe plants.
9. Your dog has birthday parties.
10. Instead of the kennel, your dog goes to Grandma’s house.
11. On the way to and from work, you stop at the doggie daycare.
12. Your dog has health insurance.
13. There are arrangements in your will for your dog.
14. You have been known to take your dog to the mall in a stroller or a papoose.
15. Your friends threw you a shower when you got your puppy.
16. You’ve called off work because your dog is ill.
17. Spending quality time with your dog every day is a priority.
18. Kisses from your dog are not gross, they’re welcomed!
Real Doctor Names
The following are real doctor names, contributed from a medical editors’ website:

Chiropractor: Dr. Bone

Child Psychiatrist: Dr. Seuss

Dentists: Dr. Yiping Fang, Dr. Sugar, Dr. Tusk, Dr. Yankem, Dr. Les Plaque, Dr. Lippin

Dermatologists: Dr. Wolfgang Pimpl, Dr. DeMento

Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor: Dr. Hock

Gastroenterologist: Dr. Butt

General Practitioner: Dr. Malady

In vitro fertilization: Dr. Studd

Neurologists: Dr. Brain, Dr. Daze, Dr. Hurt, Walter Russell Brain, Baron Brain of Eynsham (British)

Ob/Gyns: Dr. Virgin, Dr. Grewcock

Oncologists: Drs. Balls and Dichy (pronounce “ch” in Ditchy as “k” sound)

Opthamologists: Dr. Blinder, Dr. I. Glass

Orthodontists: Dr. Crook, Dr. Grille

Orthopedic Surgeons: Dr. Doctor (always funny to hear him paged), Dr. Duck (her license plate was something like “1 QUACK”), Dr. Bonebreak

Podiatrist: Dr. Smelsey

Pain Specialist: Dr. Payne

Pediatricians: Dr. Childs, Dr. Kidd

Psychiatrist: Dr. Crane

Psychologist: Dr. Strange

Surgeons: Dr. Ripps and Dr. Nipper (apparently a surgery team!), Dr. Van Cutsem (hailing from Belgium), Dr. Slaughter, Dr. Butcher

Urologists: Dr. Dong, Dr. Small, Dr. Leak, and Wellington Hung (he requested that no one shorten his first name)
You Know You’re Grown Up When…

Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.

Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

Six a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

You watch the Weather Channel.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up.”

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”

You’re the one calling the police because those %$#&*^ kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.

Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.

Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

Eating a basket of chicken wings at three a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

You go to the drugstore for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

A $4.00 bottle of wine is no “pretty good.”

You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

“I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”

Ninety percent of the time you spend in front of the computer is for real work.

You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

When you find out your friend is pregnant, you congratulate her instead of asking, “Oh, crap, what the hell happened?”

Bonus: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you-and can’t find one.

MIND MASS
A study just released by the prestigious Institute of Physical Intelligence strongly indicates that thoughts contain mass and that the utilization of thought can reduce brain mass.

The study, conducted on 76 subjects, was performed with highly sophisticated brainwave and infinite mass spectrographometers capable of detecting the most minute (0.1 x 10 -24 angstrom units) particles.

While these delicate instruments are normally utilized for the measurement of small particles, in this study the objective was to determine the mass of thought. The completion of the initial study led to the following release:

The Institute of Physical Intelligence has released the tentative results of a study promising to revise current brain and cranium function.

The study was initiated with the premise that “Brain function is carried out by electron exchange, which modifies the molecular structure, depleting the mass with use. Hence, when thought occurs, mass is lost, i.e. used, therefore the mass of the brain is reduced through thought.” The parallel significance is that as mass is volume, within the same specific gravity, the size of the brain is reduced with the depreciation of mass.

The corresponding explanation is “the mind has a certain quantity of thought available to it, and as these are used and go away, they are disposed of, hence there is a lesser quantity of thought remaining. As it is being established that thought has a volume, albeit very minute, the result is, that as thoughts are used, the mind is of lesser mass and will then be of less volume.”

In lay language this means the more you think the smaller the brain becomes, hence the skull becomes less large.

-contributed by H. Grice
SHE HAS DESTROYED MY FISHING PLEASURE
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing fifty mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of twenty years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in it?”

I still don’t know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing.
SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE A SIGN
In a podiatrist’s office: “Time Wounds All Heels”

On a septic tank truck: “Yesterday’s Meals-on Wheels”

At a proctologist’s door: “To expedite your visit, please back in.”

Sign over a gynecologist’s office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

On a plumber’s truck: “We Repair What Your Husband Fixed”

On another plumber’s truck: “Don’t sleep with a drip-call your plumber!”

On a church’s billboard: “Seven days without God makes one weak.”

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blowout.”

At a towing company: “We don’t charge an arm and a leg-we want tows.”

On an electrician’s truck: “Let Us Remove Your Shorts”

In a nonsmoking area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On a maternity room door: “Push. Push. Push!”

At an optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.”

On a fence: “Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive!”

At a car dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment.”

Outside a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the electric company: “We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

In a restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully! We’ll wait…”

At a propane filling station: “Thank heaven for little grills.”

At a Chicago radiator shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”

Sign on the back of another septic tank truck: “CAUTION: This Truck Full of Political Promises”
THE WISDOM OF SUPERMODELS

ON COURAGE

“They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind.”

-Cindy Crawford

ON POVERTY

“Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery.”

-Beverly Johnson

ON FATE

“I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that.”

-Christie Brinkley

ON ARRIVING

“Because modeling is lucrative, I’m able to save up and be more particular about the acting roles I take.”

-Kathy Ireland, star of “Alien From L.A.” and “Danger Island”

ON PRIORITIES

“I would rather exercise than read a newspaper.”

-Kim Alexis

ON INNER STRENGTH

“I love the confidence that makeup gives me.”

-Tyra Banks

ON TRAVEL

“I haven’t seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven’t seen anything. I don’t really care.”

-Tyra Banks

ON BREAKTHROUGHS

“Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling.”

-Gabrielle Reece

ON HEREDITY

“My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, What if she’s ugly? You’re ugly.’”

-Beverly Johnson

ON THE BASICS

“It’s very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it’s not inspiring for your workout.”

-Cheryl Tiegs

ON PARADOX

“Sometimes I get lonely, but it’s nice to be alone.”

-Tatjana Patitz

ON TRAGEDY

“The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles, but I had on thick tights underneath.”

-Naomi Campbell

ON INSTINCT

“If I’m making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some crackers.”

-Carol Alt

ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS

“I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having little scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with sequins all over them.”

-Cindy Crawford

ON ECONOMICS

“I don’t even wake up for less than $10,000 a day.”

-Linda Evangelista

ON THOUGHT

“When I model I pretty much go blank. You can’t think too much or it doesn’t work.”

-Paulina Porizkova

ON DEPRIVATION

“If they had Nautilus on the Concorde, I would work out all the time.”

-Linda Evangelista

ON MOTIVATION

“It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to, and I would.”

-Kate Moss
A LITTLE INDIANA HUMOR
Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Hoosiers…

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Indiana.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you may live in Indiana.

If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Indiana. (Editor’s note: Or Monterey.)

If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Indiana.

If “Vacation” means going anywhere south of Muncie for the weekend, you may live in Indiana.

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Indiana.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Indiana.

If you have switched from “heat” to “A/ C” in the same day and back again, you may live in Indiana.

If you can drive 75 mph through two feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Indiana.

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Indiana.

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Indiana.

If you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Indiana.

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph, and you’re going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Indiana.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Indiana.

If you know all four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, you may live in Indiana.

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Indiana.

Humor for Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)
1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
2. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
4. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
5. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. Read the rest of this article »

Hits for Aging Baby Boomers

Some of the artists of the 60’s and 70’s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:
Herman’s Hermits—Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker
Ringo Starr—I Get By With a Little Help from Depends
The Bee Gees—How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
Bobby Darin—Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ a Flash
Roberta Flack—The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash—I Can’t See Clearly Now
Paul Simon—Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores—Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
Marvin Gaye—Heard It Through the Grape Nuts
Procol Harem—A Whiter Shade of Hair
Leo Sayer—You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations—Papa’s Got a Kidney Stone
Abba—Denture Queen
Helen Reddy—I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
Leslie Gore—It’s My Procedure, and I’ll Cry If I Want To
And my favorite:
Willie Nelson—On the Commode Again

Bailouts Explained

Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day he drove up and said, “Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The horse died.”
Chuck replied, “Well, then, just give me my money back.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Chuck said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
Chuck said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
Chuck said, “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead.”
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”
Chuck said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Chuck said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”
Chuck now works for the government. He was the one who figured out how to “bail us out.”

Comments Made in the Year 1955 (Only 53 Years Ago!)

“I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $20.”
“Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long before $2,000 will only buy a used one.”
“If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. Twenty-five cents a pack is ridiculous.”
“Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 10 cents just to mail a letter?”
“If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.”
“When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon? Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.”
“I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies anymore. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying “damn” in “Gone With The Wind,” it seems every new movie has either “hell” or “damn” in it.”
“I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.”
“Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the President.”
“I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They’re even making electric typewriters now.”
“It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.”
“It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.”
“I’m afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.”
“Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we’re electing the best people to government.”
“The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.”
“There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel.”
“No one can afford to be sick anymore. At $35 a day in the hospital, it’s too rich for my blood.”
“If they think I’ll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.”

Gentle Thoughts for Today

When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice that the Roman Numerals for forty (40) are “XL”?
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
Did you ever notice that when you put the two words “The” and “IRS” together, it spells “Theirs”?
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It’s worse when you forget to pull it down.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it’s called golf.
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth. Amen.

Famous and Infamous Quotes

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.”
—Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.”
—Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
—Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
—George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
—Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
—Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
—Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
—Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
—Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
—Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
—Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
—Rodney Dangerfield
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
—Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was Shut Up.
—Joe Namath
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
—Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
—W. C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
—Will Rogers
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
—Winston Churchill
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
—Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
—Billy Crystal

Investment Tips
With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros. and the acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America, this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace. Read the rest of this article »

Worry
Is there a magic cut-off period when offspring become accountable for their own actions? Is there a wonderful moment when parents can become detached spectators in the lives of their children and shrug, “It’s their life,” and feel nothing?

When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital corridor waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in my daughter’s head.

I asked, “When do you stop worrying?” Read the rest of this article »

Embarrassing Medical Exams
True stories as told by the doctors themselves…
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, “My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!” I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs-and I was in the wrong one.2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” replied the patient. Read the rest of this article »

And They Ask Why I Like Retirement!
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday.
Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Read the rest of this article »

Nutritional Guide
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. Read the rest of this article »

Texas Chili Cook-Off
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL. Read the rest of this article »

The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she’s 97 years old and we don’t know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. Read the rest of this article »

I Love My Job
Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won. Read the rest of this article »

1977-2007
This is for those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it…
1977: Long hair.
2007: Longing for hair.
1977: KEG.
2007: EKG.
1977: Acid rock.
2007: Acid reflux.
1977: Moving to California because it’s cool.
2007: Moving to Arizona because it’s warm.
1977: Trying to look like Liz Taylor.
2007: Trying NOT to look like Liz Taylor.
1977: Seeds and stems.
2007: Roughage. Read the rest of this article »

Top Seven Morons of 2007
1. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, “Please come out and give yourself up.” Read the rest of this article »

 The best online humor and jokes we could find. Ok, I guess we could have searched a bit harder.

Holiday Eating Tips 101

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

Read the rest of this article »

Humor for Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. Read the rest of this article »

Modern Wisdom
Birds of a feather flock together—and crap on your car.
When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight. Read the rest of this article »