Investment Tips
With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros. and the acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America, this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace. Read the rest of this article »

Worry
Is there a magic cut-off period when offspring become accountable for their own actions? Is there a wonderful moment when parents can become detached spectators in the lives of their children and shrug, “It’s their life,” and feel nothing?

When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital corridor waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in my daughter’s head.

I asked, “When do you stop worrying?” Read the rest of this article »

Embarrassing Medical Exams
True stories as told by the doctors themselves…
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, “My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!” I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs-and I was in the wrong one.2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” replied the patient. Read the rest of this article »

And They Ask Why I Like Retirement!
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday.
Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Read the rest of this article »

Nutritional Guide
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. Read the rest of this article »

Texas Chili Cook-Off
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL. Read the rest of this article »

The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she’s 97 years old and we don’t know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. Read the rest of this article »

I Love My Job
Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won. Read the rest of this article »

1977-2007
This is for those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it…
1977: Long hair.
2007: Longing for hair.
1977: KEG.
2007: EKG.
1977: Acid rock.
2007: Acid reflux.
1977: Moving to California because it’s cool.
2007: Moving to Arizona because it’s warm.
1977: Trying to look like Liz Taylor.
2007: Trying NOT to look like Liz Taylor.
1977: Seeds and stems.
2007: Roughage. Read the rest of this article »

Top Seven Morons of 2007
1. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, “Please come out and give yourself up.” Read the rest of this article »

 The best online humor and jokes we could find. Ok, I guess we could have searched a bit harder.

Holiday Eating Tips 101

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

Read the rest of this article »

Humor for Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. Read the rest of this article »

Modern Wisdom
Birds of a feather flock together—and crap on your car.
When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight. Read the rest of this article »

A virtual smörgåsbord of jokes and otherwise funny stories e-mailed to Foolish Times.

Test for “Mature” Kids
This is a test for us older kids! The answers are printed below, but don’t you cheat!
READY? Here we go!
1. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, “Who was that masked man?” Invariably, someone would answer, “I don’t know, but he left this behind.” What did he leave behind?____________ Read the rest of this article »

A virtual smorgasbord of jokes and otherwise funny stories e-mailed to FoolishTimes.

Laws of the Natural Universe
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Read the rest of this article »

Police Comments
These 16 police comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
#16:”You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
#15:”Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
#14:”If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.” Read the rest of this article »

A Washington Post columnist runs a column each summer listing interesting t-shirts observed at the Ocean City, Maryland beach. Here are some examples:

Read the rest of this article »