Confessions of a Challenged Senior

I thought about the thirty-year business I ran with 1,800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos and pictures, and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.
I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my 7 kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids, and 2 great-grandkids could communicate with me in the modern way.
I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter, with only 140 characters of space. That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific, Tweetdeck, Twitpix, and something that sends messages to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation.
I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they said I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench along with the Bluetooth (it’s red) phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once when I was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone within fifty yards was glaring at me. It seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dashboard, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every ten minutes, she would sarcastically say, “Re-calc-u-lating.” You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a “U-turn at the next light.” Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets, and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy (the GPS lady), at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for four years, but I still haven’t figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You’d think they could settle on something themselves, but asking “Paper or plastic?” every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me. Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, “Paper or plastic?” I just say, “Doesn’t matter to me, I am bi-sacksual.” Then it’s their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

What Editors Adore
(Editor’s note: I did not write this. –Ed.)

Sung to: “My Favorite Things”

Commas with splices and run-ons to correct,
Long-winded sentences without a subject,
Paragraphs needing breaks, typos galore,
This is what editors simply adore.

Factual errors and incorrect verb tense,
Text incoherent and grammar imperfect,
References missing, structure that’s poor,
This is what editors simply adore.

Misspellings rampant and syntax that’s sloppy,
Plagiarized text that is an exact copy,
Fragments abundant, writing that’s a bore,
This is what editors simply adore.

When authors scream
When I correct
Words that don’t make sense,
I rewrite the hell out of the document
to eliminate all nonsense…

No Nursing Home for Us

No nursing home for us. We are checking into the Holiday Inn!
With the average cost for nursing-home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble. We have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.
For a combined long-term-stay discount and senior discount, it’s $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for breakfast, lunch, and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer-dryer, and more.
Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
Five dollars’ worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
They treat you like a customer, not a patient.
There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.
For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you’re at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.
It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever—you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are okay. If not, they will call an ambulance or the undertaker. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a short mini-vacation.
The grandkids can use the pool.
What more can you ask for?

Riddles

Test your brilliance. Answers follow below.

1. If a plane crashed on the border of England and Scotland, where would they bury the survivors?
2. You’re a bus driver. At the first stop, 4 people get on. At the second stop, 8 people on, at the third stop, 2 people get off and, at the fourth stop, everyone gets off. The question is, what color are the bus driver’s eyes?
3. What never gets any wetter, no matter how much it rains?
4. A man went outside in the pouring rain with no protection, but not a hair on his head got wet. How come?
5. David’s father has three sons: Snap, Crackle, and _____ ?
6. What has a mouth but doesn’t eat, a bank with no money, a bed but doesn’t sleep, and waves but has no hands?
7. A cowboy rode to an inn on Friday. He stayed two nights and left on Friday. How could that be?
8. If the red house is on the right side and the blue house is on the left side, where’s the white house?
ANSWERS
1. You don’t bury survivors.
2. The same as yours, you’re the bus driver.
3. The sea.
4. He was bald.
5. David.
6. A river.
7. His horse was called Friday.
8. Washington, D.C.

New Virus Alert!

It seems there’s a virus called the “Senile Virus” that even the most advanced programs of Norton and McAfee cannot take care of… so be warned! The virus appears to affect those who were born before 1960.
Symptoms of the Senile Virus:
Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
Causes you to send blank e-mail.
Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
Causes you to forget to attach attachments.
Causes you to hit “SEND” before you’ve finished the e-mail.
At least, I THINK that’s what they told me…

Oxymorons

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why do “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
7. Why do “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?
8. Why do “tug” boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing “Take me out to the ballgame” when we’re already there?
10. Why are they called “stands” when they’re made for sitting?
11. Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
12. Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?
14. Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?
15. Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world’s a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come “abbreviated” is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
25. Christmas: What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

The Spanish Class

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa..’ ‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’

A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine

gender (‘la computadora’), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (‘el computador’), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

***

Hillbilly Ten Commandments

Some folks down south have trouble with all those “shalls” and “shall nots” in the Ten Commandments. Folks just aren’t used to talking in those terms. So, some hillbillies got together and translated the “King James” into “Hillbilly” language.

The Hillbilly’s Ten Commandments were posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro, TN.

(1) Just one God

(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa

(3) No tellin’ tales or gossipin’

(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin’

(5) Put nothin’ before God

(6) No foolin’ around with another fellow’s gal

(7) No killin’

(8) Watch yer mouth

(9) Don’t take what ain’t yers

(10) Don’t be hankerin’ for yer buddy’s stuff

Now that’s kinda plain an’ simple, don’t ya think?

***

Perks of Being Over the Hill

Ever wish you were young again? Well, here are some reasons why it’s good to be over the hill:

There is nothing left anymore to learn the hard way.

Things that you buy now won’t wear out.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

You no longer think of the speed limit as a challenge.

Your investment in health insurance is finally paying off.

You can quit trying to hold in your stomach no matter who walks into the room.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them anyway.

You can sing along with elevator music.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the guy on the television.

Your eyes won’t get too much worse.

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

You can get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You can eat dinner at 4:00 in the afternoon.

In a hostage situation you are the most likely to be released first.

No one expects you to run—anywhere.

You are no longer viewed as a hypochondriac.

Police Call

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?” George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

Church Bulletin Bloopers

Bertha Belch, a missionary, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch, all the way from Africa.

The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

Don’t let worry kill you off. Let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I Will Not Pass This Way Again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday night. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday night. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I upped my pledge! Up yours!”

Terms Other Than “Boyfriend”

#1. Partner

The Good: There’s no doubt that everyone’s equal in this relationship.

The Bad: Are you dating or starting up a limited liability company?

#2. Lover

The Good: It’s sophisticated, it leaves nothing to the imagination, and it’s dramatic.

The Bad: We’ve got four words for you: “Granny, meet my lover…”

#3. Paramour

The Good: It’s French, and they seem to know a little bit about how to make love last (hello, kisses).

The Bad: Trying to explain to your family that this doesn’t mean he has a wife and 2.5 kids at home.

#4. Life Hostage

The Good: No need to grip his sleeve at parties; you’ve staked your claim.

The Bad: Possessive much?

#5. Manfriend

The Good: You’re finally dating a grown-up, good for you.

The Bad: He’s retreating to his man cave right about… now.

#6. Honey

The Good: It’s sweet enough to eat, and doubles as a nickname appropriate in the bedroom and out.

The Bad: Mariah Carey called. You stole her line.

#7. Flame

The Good: Hot, hot, hot.

The Bad: All that’s missing is a set of gold chains and a bad perm, and you’re back in the seventies.

#8. Beau

The Good: It’s old-fashioned romance at its best.

The Bad: Other than the fact that you sound like old Aunt Agnes, not much.

#9. Escort

The Good: No need to have “the talk” if you’re not sure how into monogamy he is.

The Bad: Explaining you didn’t pay this guy to sit at your table at your best friend’s wedding.

#10. Companion

The Good: Wherever you go, he goes, and he’s happy to be along for the ride.

The Bad: You know who makes a good companion? Your dog.

Seriously dysfunctional family seeks professional worrier. Must be experienced in the art of hand-wringing and floor-pacing, and must be able to chew fingernails down into the quick. Gray hair and a permanent crease between the eyebrows is a plus. Relaxed persons with a laid-back attitude need not apply.

A formal degree is not required. However, applicants must have undergone at least twenty hours of psychotherapy at a reputable mental health facility and should be currently taking various prescription meds for depression and anxiety.

Duties include but are not limited to:

1) Stressing about teen granddaughter who will be receiving her driver’s permit within the next few weeks. Must have a vivid imagination and be able to cringe in horror at the thought of her driving in traffic with her disability, which consists of a blonde mentality and a cell phone that has become permanently attached to the fingers of both her hands, mainly the thumbs. Would also need to worry about where she goes and with whom.

2) Would need to worry about the health and safety of two grandsons, and be capable of having a slight heart attack or a possible seizure should they mention playing any rough sport such as football or hockey or if they should attempt to watch the TV show “South Park.”

3) Worrier is expected to be constantly concerned about the husband, who has already undergone bypass surgery and whose diet still consists of nothing but salt and cholesterol. Must worry also about his safety at work which entails walking around on the roofs of tall buildings despite the fact that he is able to fall down when standing on the sidewalk.

4) Would also need to worry about son and daughter and their finances, their health and safety, and also their marital status. Would be expected to inquire constantly of both son and daughter if they are eating right, are they working too hard, are the kids driving the daughter crazy, does the son need his laundry done, are they taking their vitamins, and do they plan to get a flu shot. Would also need to remind them to drive carefully each time they leave the house and phone them both whenever a siren is heard in the distance.

5) Finances and family budget worry would include the attempt to stretch each dollar all the way out to here without breaking it. Applicants must also be able to figure out a way to pay each month’s bills with the equivalent of one week’s salary with enough left over for small luxuries like food and utilities.

6) Other miscellaneous duties may include worrying about extended family members, other relatives, and distant cousins with whom no contact has been made in decades. Also there will be a slight need to worry about the economy, global warming, war in the Middle East, health care reform, government stupidity, and taxes.

Starting salary is negotiable and no sick days or vacation can be offered at this time.

Worrier is expected to work twenty-four hours a day and on weekends. Work may be performed in house or worrier may telecommute.

Applicants are asked to either fax their resume, interview over the phone, or apply in person. We don’t really care at this point because there is no one here to worry about it since the current worrier is a nervous wreck and is retiring to a nuthouse in the Bahamas.

This Is Happening Right Here In Our Own Country!

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper, groceries are heavier, and everything is farther away? Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they’re red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn’t even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection. Well, really now—even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You’re risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rearview mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually believe the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they’re fooling?

I’d like to call up someone in authority to report what’s going on—but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they’ve printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning:

WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!

Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

Smart-People Quiz

This is a quiz for people who know everything. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers. See how many you get right.

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn’t been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters “dw” and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter S.

Answers to Quiz:

1. Boxing.

2. Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.

3. Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

6. Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.

7. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. Lettuce.

9. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

Ten Signs That You’re Too Old for Trick-or-Treating

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high-fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, “Great Keith Richards mask!” and you’re not wearing one.

5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or…” and can’t remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You’re the only superhero in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

Comebacks to Pickup Lines

Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I’ll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: I’m a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what’s your sign?

Woman: “Do not enter.”

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there?

You’re Drinking Too Much Coffee When…

You ski uphill.

You speed walk in your sleep.

You answer the door before people knock.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You just completed your third sweater today, and you don’t know how to knit.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you’re standing still is in an earthquake.

You lick your coffee pot clean.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.

You don’t sweat, you percolate.

People get dizzy just watching you.

People can test their batteries in your ears.

Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

Your Thermos is on wheels.

You can outlast the Energizer Bunny.

You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.

You don’t tan, you roast.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”

The Male Point System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.

You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.

Here’s a guide to the point system.

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You leave the toilet seat up (-5)

You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty (0)

When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)

When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)

You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)

But return with beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something (+5)

You pummel it with a six iron (+10)

It’s her father (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)

Named Tiffany (-4)

Who is a dancer (-6)

And was Homecoming Queen (-8)

HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (0)

You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+1)

Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)

And it’s all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go out with a pal (-5)

And the pal is happily married (-4)

Or frighteningly single (-7)

And he drives a Lotus (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+2)

You take her to a movie she likes (+4)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It’s called DeathCop3 (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say “I don’t care because you have one too” (-800)

SHE ASKS, “DO I LOOK FAT?”

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, “Where?” (-35)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)

When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+10)

She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep (-20)

Q & A

Q: What is the one thing all men at singles bars have in common?

A: They’re married.

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A: A widow.

Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

A: They already have boyfriends.

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

A: Both of them.

Q: Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?

A: They don’t stop and ask for directions.

Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?

A: He buys two cases of beer.

Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds?

A: The bonds mature.

Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?

A: So men can remember them.

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

A: Don’t know; hasn’t happened.

Q: What do they call a woman who works as hard as a man?

A: Lazy.

YOU’RE AN EXTREME REDNECK WHEN…

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, “Hey, guys, watch this.”

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

11. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

14. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

15. You think the last words of “The Star-Spangled Banner” are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”

THE IMPORTANCE OF WALKING

1. Walking 20 minutes can add to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7,000 per month.

2. My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we haven’t a clue where he is.

3. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

4. The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

5. I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

6. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to actually go there.

7. Every time I hear the dirty word “exercise,” I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

8. I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9. The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they’ll say, “Well, he looks good, doesn’t he.”

10. If you’re going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

11. I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years. Just getting over the hill was enough.

12. We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our skulls.

13. Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
CREATIVE PUNS FOR SMART MINDS

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber-band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here, I’ll go on a head.”

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, “Keep off the Grass.”

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

When the cannibals ate the missionary, they got a taste of religion.
SOME VERY FOOLISH HEADLINES
OR
WHEN EDITORS SLEEP

SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS

Ya think!?

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS

Now that’s taking things a bit far!

PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER

What a guy!

MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH

Good-for-nothing lazy so-and-so’s!

JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE

I can see where it might have that effect.

IF STRIKE ISN’T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST AWHILE

Ya think!?

COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES

Who would have thought!

LONDON COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE

They may be on to something!

RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGES

You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?

MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING FACES BATTERY CHARGE

He probably IS the battery charge!

NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP

Weren’t they fat enough?!

ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT

That’s what he gets for eating those beans!

KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS

Do they taste like chicken?

LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS CUT IN HALF

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS

Boy, are they tall!
SUMMER CLASSES FOR MEN

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY FRIDAY, AUGUST 29TH, 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, EACH CLASS SIZE WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays-Step By Step, With Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll-Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat To Avoid The Floor, Walls, And Nearby Bathtub?-Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper And The Floor-Pictures And Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes-Can They Levitate And Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples On Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 6
Loss Of Identity-Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line And Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things-Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch-Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics And Audio Tapes. Three nights: Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost-Real-Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM. Location to be determined. Don’t ask.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturdays, noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live-Basic Differences Between Mother And Wife. Online Classes And Role-Playing. Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 12
How To Be The Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation Exercises, Meditation, And Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday, for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How To Fight Cerebral Atrophy-Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries, And Other Important Dates And Calling When You’re Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions And Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights: Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven-What It Is And How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Three Mysteries-Can You Solve Them?

MYSTERY NUMBER ONE

A man was found murdered Sunday morning.

His wife immediately called the police.

The police questioned the wife and staff and got these answers:

The wife said she was sleeping.

The cook was preparing breakfast.

The gardener was gathering vegetables.

The maid was getting the mail.

The butler was polishing shoes in the pantry.

The police instantly arrested the murderer.

Who did it and how did they know?

MYSTERY NUMBER TWO

A man walks into his bathroom and shoots himself right between the eyes using a real gun with real bullets.

He walks out alive, with no blood anywhere and no, he didn’t miss and he wasn’t Superman or any other crusader wearing a cape.

How did he do this?

MYSTERY NUMBER THREE

Old Mr. Teddy was found dead in his study by Mr. Fiend.

Mr. Fiend recounted his dismal discovery to the police: “I was walking by Mr. Teddy’s house when I thought I would just pop in for a visit. I noticed his study light was on and I decided to peek in from the outside to see if he was in there. There was frost on the window, so I had to wipe it away to see inside. That is when I saw his body. So I kicked in the front door to confirm my suspicions of foul play. I called the police immediately afterward.”

The officer immediately arrested Mr. Fiend for the murder of Mr. Teddy.

How did he know Mr. Fiend was lying?

ANSWERS:

1. It was the maid. She said she was getting the mail, but there is no mail delivery on Sunday.

2. He shot his reflection in the bathroom mirror.

3. Frost forms inside of the window, not the outside. So Mr. Fiend could not have wiped it off to discover Mr. Teddy’s body.

Did you get them right?
A Lesson in Financial Planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his wealthy future.

Soon one evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her stunning beauty took his breath away. With his heart beating wildly, he went up to her and said, “I may look like just an ordinary man, but in a few short years my father will die, and I’ll inherit $200 million.”

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card, smiled, and kissed him on the cheek.

Three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Signs That Your Dog Is a Furry Child

1. You always carry a picture of your dog in your wallet, and you show it off often.
2. When buying a vehicle, you specifically shop for one that will comfortably accommodate your dog.
3. Your dog has his or her own stocking and gifts under the Christmas tree.
4. Before going out into the cold, you dress your dog in the proper gear.
5. There is a seatbelt or car seat in your vehicle for your dog.
6. You always keep dog biscuits in your purse.
7. When cleaning out your pockets before doing laundry, you find doggie-doo bags.
8. The plant life in your home includes pet-safe plants.
9. Your dog has birthday parties.
10. Instead of the kennel, your dog goes to Grandma’s house.
11. On the way to and from work, you stop at the doggie daycare.
12. Your dog has health insurance.
13. There are arrangements in your will for your dog.
14. You have been known to take your dog to the mall in a stroller or a papoose.
15. Your friends threw you a shower when you got your puppy.
16. You’ve called off work because your dog is ill.
17. Spending quality time with your dog every day is a priority.
18. Kisses from your dog are not gross, they’re welcomed!
Real Doctor Names
The following are real doctor names, contributed from a medical editors’ website:

Chiropractor: Dr. Bone

Child Psychiatrist: Dr. Seuss

Dentists: Dr. Yiping Fang, Dr. Sugar, Dr. Tusk, Dr. Yankem, Dr. Les Plaque, Dr. Lippin

Dermatologists: Dr. Wolfgang Pimpl, Dr. DeMento

Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor: Dr. Hock

Gastroenterologist: Dr. Butt

General Practitioner: Dr. Malady

In vitro fertilization: Dr. Studd

Neurologists: Dr. Brain, Dr. Daze, Dr. Hurt, Walter Russell Brain, Baron Brain of Eynsham (British)

Ob/Gyns: Dr. Virgin, Dr. Grewcock

Oncologists: Drs. Balls and Dichy (pronounce “ch” in Ditchy as “k” sound)

Opthamologists: Dr. Blinder, Dr. I. Glass

Orthodontists: Dr. Crook, Dr. Grille

Orthopedic Surgeons: Dr. Doctor (always funny to hear him paged), Dr. Duck (her license plate was something like “1 QUACK”), Dr. Bonebreak

Podiatrist: Dr. Smelsey

Pain Specialist: Dr. Payne

Pediatricians: Dr. Childs, Dr. Kidd

Psychiatrist: Dr. Crane

Psychologist: Dr. Strange

Surgeons: Dr. Ripps and Dr. Nipper (apparently a surgery team!), Dr. Van Cutsem (hailing from Belgium), Dr. Slaughter, Dr. Butcher

Urologists: Dr. Dong, Dr. Small, Dr. Leak, and Wellington Hung (he requested that no one shorten his first name)
You Know You’re Grown Up When…

Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.

Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

Six a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

You watch the Weather Channel.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up.”

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”

You’re the one calling the police because those %$#&*^ kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.

Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.

Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

Eating a basket of chicken wings at three a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

You go to the drugstore for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

A $4.00 bottle of wine is no “pretty good.”

You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

“I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”

Ninety percent of the time you spend in front of the computer is for real work.

You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

When you find out your friend is pregnant, you congratulate her instead of asking, “Oh, crap, what the hell happened?”

Bonus: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you-and can’t find one.

MIND MASS
A study just released by the prestigious Institute of Physical Intelligence strongly indicates that thoughts contain mass and that the utilization of thought can reduce brain mass.

The study, conducted on 76 subjects, was performed with highly sophisticated brainwave and infinite mass spectrographometers capable of detecting the most minute (0.1 x 10 -24 angstrom units) particles.

While these delicate instruments are normally utilized for the measurement of small particles, in this study the objective was to determine the mass of thought. The completion of the initial study led to the following release:

The Institute of Physical Intelligence has released the tentative results of a study promising to revise current brain and cranium function.

The study was initiated with the premise that “Brain function is carried out by electron exchange, which modifies the molecular structure, depleting the mass with use. Hence, when thought occurs, mass is lost, i.e. used, therefore the mass of the brain is reduced through thought.” The parallel significance is that as mass is volume, within the same specific gravity, the size of the brain is reduced with the depreciation of mass.

The corresponding explanation is “the mind has a certain quantity of thought available to it, and as these are used and go away, they are disposed of, hence there is a lesser quantity of thought remaining. As it is being established that thought has a volume, albeit very minute, the result is, that as thoughts are used, the mind is of lesser mass and will then be of less volume.”

In lay language this means the more you think the smaller the brain becomes, hence the skull becomes less large.

-contributed by H. Grice
SHE HAS DESTROYED MY FISHING PLEASURE
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing fifty mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of twenty years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in it?”

I still don’t know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing.
SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE A SIGN
In a podiatrist’s office: “Time Wounds All Heels”

On a septic tank truck: “Yesterday’s Meals-on Wheels”

At a proctologist’s door: “To expedite your visit, please back in.”

Sign over a gynecologist’s office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

On a plumber’s truck: “We Repair What Your Husband Fixed”

On another plumber’s truck: “Don’t sleep with a drip-call your plumber!”

On a church’s billboard: “Seven days without God makes one weak.”

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blowout.”

At a towing company: “We don’t charge an arm and a leg-we want tows.”

On an electrician’s truck: “Let Us Remove Your Shorts”

In a nonsmoking area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On a maternity room door: “Push. Push. Push!”

At an optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.”

On a fence: “Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive!”

At a car dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment.”

Outside a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the electric company: “We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

In a restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully! We’ll wait…”

At a propane filling station: “Thank heaven for little grills.”

At a Chicago radiator shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”

Sign on the back of another septic tank truck: “CAUTION: This Truck Full of Political Promises”
THE WISDOM OF SUPERMODELS

ON COURAGE

“They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind.”

-Cindy Crawford

ON POVERTY

“Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery.”

-Beverly Johnson

ON FATE

“I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that.”

-Christie Brinkley

ON ARRIVING

“Because modeling is lucrative, I’m able to save up and be more particular about the acting roles I take.”

-Kathy Ireland, star of “Alien From L.A.” and “Danger Island”

ON PRIORITIES

“I would rather exercise than read a newspaper.”

-Kim Alexis

ON INNER STRENGTH

“I love the confidence that makeup gives me.”

-Tyra Banks

ON TRAVEL

“I haven’t seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven’t seen anything. I don’t really care.”

-Tyra Banks

ON BREAKTHROUGHS

“Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling.”

-Gabrielle Reece

ON HEREDITY

“My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, What if she’s ugly? You’re ugly.’”

-Beverly Johnson

ON THE BASICS

“It’s very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it’s not inspiring for your workout.”

-Cheryl Tiegs

ON PARADOX

“Sometimes I get lonely, but it’s nice to be alone.”

-Tatjana Patitz

ON TRAGEDY

“The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles, but I had on thick tights underneath.”

-Naomi Campbell

ON INSTINCT

“If I’m making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some crackers.”

-Carol Alt

ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS

“I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having little scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with sequins all over them.”

-Cindy Crawford

ON ECONOMICS

“I don’t even wake up for less than $10,000 a day.”

-Linda Evangelista

ON THOUGHT

“When I model I pretty much go blank. You can’t think too much or it doesn’t work.”

-Paulina Porizkova

ON DEPRIVATION

“If they had Nautilus on the Concorde, I would work out all the time.”

-Linda Evangelista

ON MOTIVATION

“It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to, and I would.”

-Kate Moss
A LITTLE INDIANA HUMOR
Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Hoosiers…

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Indiana.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you may live in Indiana.

If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Indiana. (Editor’s note: Or Monterey.)

If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Indiana.

If “Vacation” means going anywhere south of Muncie for the weekend, you may live in Indiana.

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Indiana.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Indiana.

If you have switched from “heat” to “A/ C” in the same day and back again, you may live in Indiana.

If you can drive 75 mph through two feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Indiana.

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Indiana.

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Indiana.

If you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Indiana.

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph, and you’re going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Indiana.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Indiana.

If you know all four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, you may live in Indiana.

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Indiana.

Humor for Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)
1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
2. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
4. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
5. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. Read the rest of this article »

Hits for Aging Baby Boomers

Some of the artists of the 60’s and 70’s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:
Herman’s Hermits—Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker
Ringo Starr—I Get By With a Little Help from Depends
The Bee Gees—How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
Bobby Darin—Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ a Flash
Roberta Flack—The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash—I Can’t See Clearly Now
Paul Simon—Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores—Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
Marvin Gaye—Heard It Through the Grape Nuts
Procol Harem—A Whiter Shade of Hair
Leo Sayer—You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations—Papa’s Got a Kidney Stone
Abba—Denture Queen
Helen Reddy—I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
Leslie Gore—It’s My Procedure, and I’ll Cry If I Want To
And my favorite:
Willie Nelson—On the Commode Again

Bailouts Explained

Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day he drove up and said, “Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The horse died.”
Chuck replied, “Well, then, just give me my money back.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Chuck said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
Chuck said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
Chuck said, “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead.”
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”
Chuck said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Chuck said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”
Chuck now works for the government. He was the one who figured out how to “bail us out.”

Comments Made in the Year 1955 (Only 53 Years Ago!)

“I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $20.”
“Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long before $2,000 will only buy a used one.”
“If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. Twenty-five cents a pack is ridiculous.”
“Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 10 cents just to mail a letter?”
“If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.”
“When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon? Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.”
“I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies anymore. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying “damn” in “Gone With The Wind,” it seems every new movie has either “hell” or “damn” in it.”
“I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.”
“Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the President.”
“I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They’re even making electric typewriters now.”
“It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.”
“It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.”
“I’m afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.”
“Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we’re electing the best people to government.”
“The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.”
“There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel.”
“No one can afford to be sick anymore. At $35 a day in the hospital, it’s too rich for my blood.”
“If they think I’ll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.”

Gentle Thoughts for Today

When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice that the Roman Numerals for forty (40) are “XL”?
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
Did you ever notice that when you put the two words “The” and “IRS” together, it spells “Theirs”?
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It’s worse when you forget to pull it down.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it’s called golf.
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth. Amen.

Famous and Infamous Quotes

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.”
—Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.”
—Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
—Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
—George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
—Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
—Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
—Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
—Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
—Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
—Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
—Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
—Rodney Dangerfield
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
—Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was Shut Up.
—Joe Namath
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
—Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
—W. C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
—Will Rogers
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
—Winston Churchill
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
—Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
—Billy Crystal

Investment Tips
With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros. and the acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America, this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace. Read the rest of this article »

Worry
Is there a magic cut-off period when offspring become accountable for their own actions? Is there a wonderful moment when parents can become detached spectators in the lives of their children and shrug, “It’s their life,” and feel nothing?

When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital corridor waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in my daughter’s head.

I asked, “When do you stop worrying?” Read the rest of this article »

Embarrassing Medical Exams
True stories as told by the doctors themselves…
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, “My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!” I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs-and I was in the wrong one.2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” replied the patient. Read the rest of this article »

And They Ask Why I Like Retirement!
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday.
Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Read the rest of this article »

Nutritional Guide
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. Read the rest of this article »