Worry
Is there a magic cut-off period when offspring become accountable for their own actions? Is there a wonderful moment when parents can become detached spectators in the lives of their children and shrug, “It’s their life,” and feel nothing?

When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital corridor waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in my daughter’s head.

I asked, “When do you stop worrying?”

The nurse said, “When they get out of the accident stage.”
My dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.

When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little chair in a classroom and heard how one of my children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, and was headed for a career making license plates.

As if to read my mind, a teacher said, “Don’t worry, they all go through this stage. And then you can sit back, relax, and enjoy them.”

My dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.

When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come home, the front door to open. A friend said, “They’re trying to find themselves. Don’t worry, in a few years, you can stop worrying. They’ll be adults.”

My dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.
By the time I was 50, I was sick and tired of being vulnerable. I was still worrying over my children, but there was a new wrinkle…

There was nothing I could do about it.

I continued to anguish over their failures, be tormented by their frustrations, and absorbed in their disappointments.
My dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.

My friends said that when my kids got married I could stop worrying and lead my own life.

I wanted to believe that, but I was haunted by my dad’s warm smile and his occasional, “You look pale. Are you all right? Call me the minute you get home. Are you depressed about something?”

Can it be that parents are sentenced to a lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of human frailties and the fears of the Unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue that elevates us to the highest form of life?

One of my children became quite irritable recently, saying to me, “Where were you? I’ve been calling for three days, and no one answered. I was worried.”

I smiled a warm smile. The torch has been passed.

Hillbilly Humor
Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, “Hey, Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th’ bag?”

“Jes’ some chickens.”

“If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?”

“Shoot, if ya guesses right, I’ll give you BOTH of ‘em!”

“OK. Ummmmm……FIVE?”

***

An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department, and shouted, “Hurry over here-muh house is on fahr!”

“OK,” replied the fireman, “how do we get there?”

“Shucks, don’t you fellers still have them big red trucks?”

***

Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more?

Because they heard 17 and under aren’t admitted.

***

Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

“Where do you live?” asked the operator.

Bubba replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive

“The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?”

After a long pause, Bubba said, “How ‘bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?”

***

Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?

They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

***

What do they call reruns of “Hee Haw” in Mississippi?
Documentaries.

***

Where was the toothbrush invented?

Arkansas. If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

***

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

***

What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?

No matter what, somebody’s fixin’ to lose a trailer

***

How do you know when you’re staying in a Kentucky hotel?

When you call the front desk and say “I’ve got a leak in my sink,” and the person at the front desk says, “Go ahead.”

How Blonde Was She?
She was soooooooo blonde…
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* At the bottom of an application where it says “Sign here:” she wrote “Sagittarius.”
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said “Concentrate.”
* She told a friend to meet her at the corner of “WALK” and “DON’T WALK.”
* She studied for her blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, “Airport Left,” she turned around and went home.
* She thought Taco Bell was the Mexican phone company.
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said “TGIF,” which she thought stood for “This Goes In Front.”
For Some, English Is Not Easy
Cocktail lounge, Norway: “LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.”

Doctor’s office, Rome: “SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.”

Dry cleaners, Bangkok: “DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.”

In a Nairobi restaurant: “CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.”

On an Athi River highway (the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi): “WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.”

In a restaurant: “OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.”

In a cemetery: “PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.”

Tokyo hotel’s rules and regulations: “GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.”

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: “OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.”

Hotel, Yugoslavia: “THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.”

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: “YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.”

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest: “IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.”

Hotel, Zurich: “BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.”

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: “WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?”

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: “WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.”

A laundry in Rome: “LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.”
Doctors’ Vote:
When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body”; while the Pediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!”

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter.”

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water.

The Anesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision to some butthole in Administration.
Drinking Quotes
“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” -Ernest Hemmingway

“Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.” -Winston Churchill

“He was a wise man who invented beer.” -Plato

“Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.” -Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

“Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.” -Churchill’s reply

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” -Henny Youngman

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” -Benjamin Franklin

“If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.” -Jack Handy

“The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.” -Humphrey Bogart

“I drink to make other people interesting.” -George Jean Nathan

“An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.” -Ernest Hemmingway

“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.” -Dean Martin

“All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me-so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer.” -Homer Simpson