Hits for Aging Baby Boomers

Some of the artists of the 60’s and 70’s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:
Herman’s Hermits—Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker
Ringo Starr—I Get By With a Little Help from Depends
The Bee Gees—How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
Bobby Darin—Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ a Flash
Roberta Flack—The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash—I Can’t See Clearly Now
Paul Simon—Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores—Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
Marvin Gaye—Heard It Through the Grape Nuts
Procol Harem—A Whiter Shade of Hair
Leo Sayer—You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations—Papa’s Got a Kidney Stone
Abba—Denture Queen
Helen Reddy—I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
Leslie Gore—It’s My Procedure, and I’ll Cry If I Want To
And my favorite:
Willie Nelson—On the Commode Again

Bailouts Explained

Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day he drove up and said, “Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The horse died.”
Chuck replied, “Well, then, just give me my money back.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Chuck said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
Chuck said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
Chuck said, “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead.”
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”
Chuck said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Chuck said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”
Chuck now works for the government. He was the one who figured out how to “bail us out.”

Comments Made in the Year 1955 (Only 53 Years Ago!)

“I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $20.”
“Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long before $2,000 will only buy a used one.”
“If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. Twenty-five cents a pack is ridiculous.”
“Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 10 cents just to mail a letter?”
“If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.”
“When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon? Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.”
“I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies anymore. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying “damn” in “Gone With The Wind,” it seems every new movie has either “hell” or “damn” in it.”
“I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.”
“Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the President.”
“I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They’re even making electric typewriters now.”
“It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.”
“It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.”
“I’m afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.”
“Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we’re electing the best people to government.”
“The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.”
“There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel.”
“No one can afford to be sick anymore. At $35 a day in the hospital, it’s too rich for my blood.”
“If they think I’ll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.”

Gentle Thoughts for Today

When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice that the Roman Numerals for forty (40) are “XL”?
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
Did you ever notice that when you put the two words “The” and “IRS” together, it spells “Theirs”?
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It’s worse when you forget to pull it down.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it’s called golf.
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth. Amen.

Famous and Infamous Quotes

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.”
—Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.”
—Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
—Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
—George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
—Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
—Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
—Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
—Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
—Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
—Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
—Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
—Rodney Dangerfield
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
—Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was Shut Up.
—Joe Namath
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
—Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
—W. C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
—Will Rogers
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
—Winston Churchill
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
—Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
—Billy Crystal