A virtual smörgåsbord of jokes and otherwise funny stories e-mailed to Foolish Times.

Test for “Mature” Kids
This is a test for us older kids! The answers are printed below, but don’t you cheat!
READY? Here we go!
1. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, “Who was that masked man?” Invariably, someone would answer, “I don’t know, but he left this behind.” What did he leave behind?____________
2. When the Beatles first came to the U. S. in early 1964, we all watched them on The ______________ Show.
3. “Get your kicks, ___________________.”
4. “The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed ___________________.”
5. “In the jungle, the mighty jungle, _______________.”
6. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we “danced” under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the _____________.”
7. “N_E_S_T_L_E_S,” Nestlé’s makes the very best _______________.”
8. Satchmo was America’s “Ambassador of Goodwill.” Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.
9. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________
10. Red Skelton’s hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, “Good Night, and __________”.
11. Some Americans who protested the Viet Nam War did so by burning their ____________.
12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________&______________.
13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about “the day the music died.” This was a tribute to ___________________.
14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________.
15. One of the big fads of the late 50’s and 60’s was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the _________________________.

ANSWERS
1. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
2. The Ed Sullivan Show
3. “on Route 66”
4. “to protect the innocent.”
5. “the Lion sleeps tonight.”
6. The Limbo
7. Chocolate
8. Louis Armstrong
9. The Timex watch
10. Freddy The Freeloader, and “Good Night, and may God Bless.”
11. Draft cards (bras were also burned.)
12. “Beetle” or “Bug”
13. Buddy Holly
14. Sputnik
15. Hoola-hoop

Ask your “old” friends these questions. It will drive them crazy! And it will also keep them busy remembering where they were and what they were doing, and, just maybe, they will forget their aches and pains for a few minutes!

Only in America
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front!
Only in America… do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke!
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters!
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage!
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight!
Only in America… do we use the word “politics” to describe the process so well: “Poli” in Latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning “bloodsucking creatures”!
Only in America… do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!

Ramblings of a Retired Mind
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can’t afford one. So, I’m wearing my garage door opener.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.
I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and calling it “Pumping Rust.”
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That’s when your chest is falling into your drawers.
I know, when people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” Just once I want to say, “No, it’s for company!”
Employment application blanks always ask, “Who is to be notified in case of an emergency?” I think you should write, “A good doctor!”
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.
As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.

Senior Personal Ads
Some “senior” personal ads seen in Florida newspapers. Who says seniors don’t have a sense of humor?
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80’s, slim, 5′4″ (used to be 5′6″), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga, and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out, and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob, and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights, and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.

A Forrest Gump Story
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter says, “Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.”
Forrest responds, “It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain’t too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.”
St. Peter continues, “Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
“First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
“Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
“Third: What is God’s first name?”
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”
Forrest replies, “Well, the first one—which two days in the week begin with the letter T? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.”
The Saint’s eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, “Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?” asked St. Peter.
“How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,” replied Forrest, “but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”
Astounded, St. Peter said, “Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”
Forrest replied, “Shucks, there’s got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd… ”
“Hold it,” interrupts St. Peter. “I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind… but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name”?
“Sure,” Forrest replied, “it’s Andy.”
“Andy?” exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. “Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?”
“Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,” Forrest replied. “I learnt it from the song, ‘ANDY WALKS WITH ME / ANDY TALKS WITH ME / ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN’.”
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: “Run, Forrest, run.”