Best of The Inbox – October 07

Modern Wisdom
Birds of a feather flock together—and crap on your car.
When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman numerals for forty (40) are ” XL.”

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the two words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”

College Football Quotes
“At Georgia Southern, we don’t cheat. That costs money and we don’t have any.” —Erk Russell / Georgia Southern

“After you retire, there’s only one big event left —and I ain’t ready for that.” —Bobby Bowden / Florida State

“The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.” —Lou Holtz / Arkansas

“Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated.” —Lou Holtz / Arkansas

“If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold, you gotta know the password, “Roll, tide, roll!” —Bear Bryant / Alabama

“A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.” —Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

“When you win, nothing hurts.” —Joe Namath / Alabama

“There’s nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.” —Woody Hayes / Ohio State

“I don’t expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.” —Bob Devaney / Nebraska

“In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn’t believe in Bear Bryant.” —Wally Butts / Georgia

“You can learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in life.” —Paul Dietzel / LSU

“It’s kind of hard to rally around a math class.” —Bear Bryant / Alabama
“No, but you can see it from here.” —Lou Holtz / Arkansas (when asked if Fayetteville was the end of the world)

“I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game.” —Bear Bryant / Alabama

“There’s one sure way to stop us from scoring—give us the ball near the goal line.” —Matty Bell / SMU

“Lads, you’re not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died.” —Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

“I never graduated from Iowa, but I was only there for two terms—Truman’s and Eisenhower’s.” —Alex Karras / Iowa

“My advice to defensive players: take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor.” —Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

“I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades.” —Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

“Always remember—Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.” —Shug Jordan / Auburn

“They cut us up like boarding house pie—and that’s real small pieces.” —Darrell Royal / Texas

“Show me a good and gracious loser, and I’ll show you a failure.” —Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

“I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn’t recruit me and he said: ‘Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren’t any good’.” —Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

“Son, you’ve got a good engine, but your hands aren’t on the steering wheel.” —Bobby Bowden / Florida State

“Football is not a contact sport—it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.” —Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post game message to his team: “All those who need showers, take them.” —John McKay / USC

“If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.” —Murray Warmath / Minnesota

“The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb—to be a back, you only have to be dumb.” —Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

“It isn’t necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it.” —Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

“We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches.” —Darrell Royal / Texas

“We didn’t tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking.” —John McKay / USC

“Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad.” —Darrell Royal / University of Texas

“I’ve found that prayers work best when you have big players.” —Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

“Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football.” —John Heisman

“I see Auburn’s Recruiting Coordinator just got here.” —Erk Russell on seeing a Brink’s Truck stop at the front door of the Fontainebleau Hotel at a coach’s convention

Of Men and Computers
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that, in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. “House,” for instance, is feminine: “la casa.”

“Pencil,” however, is masculine: “el lapiz.”

So, a student asked, “What gender is ‘computer’?”

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (“la computadora”), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (“el computador”), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

It’s So Hot…
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seatbelt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 F and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in August it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt, and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.

A “Boo”quet of Halloween Jokes
Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road? He didn’t have the guts.
How do witches keep their hair in place while flying? With “scare” spray.
How do monsters tell their future? They read their “horror” scope.
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately.
Why don’t skeletons ever go out on the town? Because they don’t have any “body” to go out with.
What do ghosts like to eat at a cook out? Halloweenies.
What is a vampire’s favorite holiday? Fangsgiving.
Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist? To improve his bite.
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite.
What does a ghost get when he falls and scrapes his knee? A boo-boo.
Why do witches use brooms to fly on? Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
What is Dracula’s favorite kind of coffee? Decoffinated.
What did one ghost say to the other ghost? “Do you believe in people?”
What do you call someone who puts poison in a person’s corn flakes? A cereal killer.
Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends? They’re too wrapped up in themselves.
What kind of streets do zombies like the best? Dead ends.
What do birds give out on Halloween night? Tweets.
Why wasn’t the vampire working? He was on a coffin break.
How did the priest make holy water? He took some tap water and boiled the hell out of it.
What do you give a vampire with a cold? Coffin drops.
What do you use to mend a jack-o-lantern? A pumpkin patch.
Why can’t skeletons play music in church? Because they have no organs.
What do you call a dead chicken that likes to scare people? A poultrygeist.