Investment Tips
With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros. and the acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America, this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

New Stock Market Terms
CEO: Chief Extraction Officer. The one who extracts the most personal gain, from his “golden parachute,” when the company fails.

CFO: Corporate obsFuscation Officer. The one who is responsible for using the most clever accounting means to conceal the fiscal facts.

BULL MARKET: A market movement fueled by BS (you know what that means), causing investors to mistake themselves for financial geniuses.

BEAR MARKET: A 6- to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, the husband gets no sex, and all have to “bear” the pain of the BS Market.

VALUE INVESTING: The art of buying low and selling higher to an idiot who still believes in the current BS.

P/E RATIO: The percentage of investors wetting their pants (”Pants Emergency”) as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER: What my stockbroker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR: Your new life, in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST: Idiot who has belatedly downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your decent assets equally between themselves, and leave you with a long-term prayer for toxic-mortgage investments.

FINANCIAL PLANNER: Your advisor whose phone has just been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION: The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO!: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS: What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo! at $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR: Past-year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT: An archaic word no longer in use.

Econ 101
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received $214.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle. It is called a 401-Keg plan.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons o f alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be an American!

The Heaviest Element
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

A Message from John Cleese, British Comedian, to the Citizens of the United States of America
(Ah-you have to admire that British sense of humor… and given the upcoming election, we’d better develop one, too!)

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminum” and “nuclear” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing them.

2. The letter “U” will be reinstated in words such as “colour,” “favour,” and “neighbour.” Likewise, you will learn to spell “doughnut” without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “-ize” will be replaced by the suffix “-ise.” Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up “vocabulary”).

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as “US” English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter “U” and the elimination of “-ize.”

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) at roughly $6.00/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick-cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with ketchup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth and see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of football; you call it “soccer.” Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). In the meantime, don’t try rugby, as the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game that is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond the borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e., tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4pm with proper cups, with saucers, never with mugs, with high-quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes, plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God save the Queen!