Humor for Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, its your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don’t pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade that fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A calendar’s days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

Dog Logic

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
—Anonymous

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
—Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
—Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
—Andy Rooney

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
—Anonymous

Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
—Franklin P. Jones

If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise.
—Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.
—Joe Weinstein

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
—Robert A. Heinlein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
—Mark Twain

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
—Roger Caras

If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
—Phil Pastoret

Definitions Not Found in Your Dictionary

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have.

Saving Money on Gas at the Pump

I’ve been in the petroleum pipeline business for about 31 years, currently working for the Kinder-Morgan Pipeline here in San Jose, CA. We deliver about 4 million gallons in a 24-hour period from the pipe line; one day it’s diesel, the next day it’s jet fuel and gasoline. We have 34 storage tanks here with a total capacity of 16,800,000 gallons.
Here are some tricks to help you get your money’s worth:

1. Fill up in the morning when the temperature is still cool. Remember that all service stations have their storage tanks buried below ground; and the colder the ground, the denser the gasoline. When it gets warmer gasoline expands, so if you’re filling up in the afternoon or in the evening, what should be a gallon is not exactly a gallon. In the petroleum business, the specific gravity and temperature of the fuel are significant. Every truckload that we load is temperature-compensated so that the indicated gallonage is actually the amount pumped. A one-degree rise in temperature is a big deal for businesses, but service stations don’t have temperature compensation at their pumps.
2. If a tanker truck is filling the station’s tank at the time you want to buy gas, do not fill up; most likely dirt and sludge in the tank is being stirred up when gas is being delivered, and you might be transferring that dirt from the bottom of their tank into your car’s tank.
3. Fill up when your gas tank is only half-empty, because the more gas you have in your tank the less air there is and gasoline evaporates rapidly, especially when it’s warm. Gasoline storage tanks have an internal floating “roof” membrane to act as a barrier between the gas and the atmosphere, thereby minimizing evaporation.
4. If you look at the trigger you’ll see that it has three delivery settings: slow, medium, and high. When you’re filling up, do not squeeze the trigger of the nozzle to the high setting. You should be pumping at the slow setting, thereby minimizing vapors created while you are pumping. Hoses at the pump are corrugated; the corrugations act as a return path for vapor recovery from gas that has ALREADY BEEN METERED. If you are pumping at the high setting, the agitated gasoline contains more vapors, because gasoline vaporizes quite easily and those vapors are being sucked back into the underground tank, so you’re getting less gas for your money. Hope this will help ease your pain at the pump.

News and Headlines from the Year 2029

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first-class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-years, $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

Smartass Answers

SMARTASS ANSWER #5
It was mealtime during a flight.
“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
“What are my choices?” John asked.
“Yes or no,” she replied.

SMARTASS ANSWER #4
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.”

SMARTASS ANSWER #3
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

SMARTASS ANSWER #2
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.
The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMARTASS ANSWER #1
A truck driver is driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, “Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips, and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”