Texas Chili Cook-Off
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1—MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1—A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2—Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank)—Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2—AUSTIN’S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1—Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2—Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3—Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3—FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1—Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2—A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3—Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting sh*t-faced from all the beer.

CHILI # 4—BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1—Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2—Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3—I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Rosie, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT … just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5—LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1—Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2—Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3—My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Rosie saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6—VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1—Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2—The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3—My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Rosie. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7—SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1—A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2—Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3—You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8—BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1—The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2—This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to REALLY hot chili?
Judge # 3—No Report

Missing Parts
You’ve heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves…

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else’s thighs. It was just that quick.

The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs.

Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.

My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I’d have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary—my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee! Those “plastic” surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts—stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something “lifted,” look again—was it lifted from you?

*THIS IS NOT A HOAX*. (This is happening to women everywhere every night.)

*WARN YOUR FRIENDS!*

*P.S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

To Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
5. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for marijuana.”
6. Finish all your sentences with “…in accordance with the prophecy.”
7. Skip down the hall rather than walk and see how many looks you get.
8. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
9. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
10. Sing along at the opera.
11. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
12. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you have a headache.
13. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I won! I won!”
14. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “Run for your lives! They’re loose!”
15. Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
16. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity: Send this to someone to make them smile.

Church Jokes for Religious Folk
1. A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, “I know what the Bible means!” His father smiled and replied, “What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?” The son replied, “I do know!” “Okay,” said his father. “What does the Bible mean?” “That’s easy, Daddy,” the young boy replied excitedly. “It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.’”

2. There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. “Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk. “Only the Ten Commandments,” answered the lady.

3. “Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.”

4. There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.”

5. While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand-printed sign: “Energy-efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”

6. A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question: “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?” A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy. “Really? How do you know?” the teacher asked. “You know—Our Father, who does art in Heaven… “
The Engineer
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated: “This is where your problem is.”

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark: $1.
Knowing where to put it: $49,999.
He was paid in full and retired again in peace.