Nutritional Guide
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Lost in Translation
In an interview with David Letterman, former president Jimmy Carter passed along an anecdote of a translation problem in Japan.

Carter was speaking at a business lunch in Tokyo, where he decided to open his speech with a brief joke.

He told the joke, then waited for the translator to announce the Japanese version. Even though the story was quite short, Carter was surprised by how quickly the interpreter was able to re-tell it. Even more impressive was the reaction from the crowd. Carter thought the story was cute, but not outright hilarious, yet the crowd broke right up. Carter was very flattered.

After the speech, Carter wanted to meet the translator to ask him how he told the joke. Perhaps there was a better way to tell the joke?

When Carter asked how the joke had been told in Japanese, the translator responded, “I told them, ‘President Carter has told a very funny joke. Please laugh now.’”

The Spoiled Under-30 Crowd
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up, what with walking 25 miles to school every morning … uphill BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda.

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it! But now that I’m over the ripe old age of 30, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today don’t know how good you’ve got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog! There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter… with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take a week to get there!

There were no MP3s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that’s it! And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn’t know! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like “Space Invaders” and “Asteroids.” Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there was no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn’t see, you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that were only 15 channels and there was no on-screen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning! Do you hear what I’m saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little bastards!

And we didn’t have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire… imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.

That’ s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.

You’re spoiled. You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,
The over-30 Crowd
Things You Learn in Tennessee
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth, and 4,998 live in Tennessee.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Tennessee plus a couple no one’s seen before.

“Onced” and “Twiced” are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra.

“Fixinto” is one word: “I’m fixinto go to the store.”

There is no such thing as “lunch.” There is only dinner and then there is supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

“Backurds and forwurds” means “I know everything about you.”

“Jeet?” is actually a phrase meaning “Did you eat?”

You don’t have to wear a watch because it doesn’t matter what time it is. You work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.

You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

You measure distance in minutes.

You sometimes have to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You know what a “DAWG” is.

You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.

There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco, and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require six pages for local gossip and sports.

The first day of deer season is a national holiday.

100 degrees Fahrenheit is “a little warm.”

We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer, and Christmas.

Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as “goin Wal-Martin” or “off to Wally World.”

A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn’t a soda, cola, or pop . . . it’s a coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: “What kinda coke you want?”

Fried catfish is the other white meat.
We don’t need no stinking driver’s license . . . if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

Home Depot Scam Alert!
A heads-up for those of us men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.

Here’s how the scam works.

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, giving you full view of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say no and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. One of them climbs over you into the front seat, stark naked, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen April 4th, 9th, and twice on the 15th, 17th, and 20th. Also May 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times just yesterday, and very likely this coming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful!

Of Taxis and Garbage Trucks
One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.

So I asked, “Why did you do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!” This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, “The Law of the Garbage Truck.”

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they’ll dump it on you.

Don’t take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don’t take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.

So are you a taxi driver…or a garbage truck?

The Touching Story of Davis Edwards
In 1986, Davis Edwards was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Davis approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Davis worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Davis stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Davis never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Davis was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Davis and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Davis, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Davis couldn’t help but wonder if this was the same elephant. Davis summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Davis’s legs, and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

This story is for all of my friends who email me those nauseatingly heart-warming stories.