And They Ask Why I Like Retirement!
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday.
Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic, or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The neverending Coffee Break.
Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
Question: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTH ING… Saturday and Sunday, I rest.
Always remember this:
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old-you grow old because you stop laughing.

Management Lessons

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $100 to drop that towel.”
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $100 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”
“It was Bob, the next door neighbor,” she replies.
“Great,” the husband says. “Did he say anything about the $100 he owes me?”
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”
The priest apologized. “Sorry, sister, but the flesh is weak.”
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
Moral of the story:
If you are not well-informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a genie comes out.
The genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.”
“Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.”
Puff! She’s gone.
“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.”
Puff! He’s gone.
“OK, you’re up,” the genie says to the manager.
The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing?”
The eagle answered: “Sure, why not.”
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit, and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
“I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”
“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally, after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull$#!t might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Useless Facts
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven times. (Oh, go ahead… I’ll wait…)
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes or shark attacks. (Watch your ass…)
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!
The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer. So did the first “Marlboro Man.”
Walt Disney was afraid of MICE!
Pearls melt in vinegar.
The three most valuable brand names on earth are Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs… but not downstairs.
A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)
Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word “criminal.” (Who thinks up this stuff?)
And the best for last…
Turtles can breathe through their butts. (I know some people like that, don’t YOU?)

Where to Live After Retirement
You can live in Phoenix, Arizona, where…
1. You are willing to park three blocks away because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The four seasons are tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can live in California, where…
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The four seasons are Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

You can live in New York City, where…
1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is “nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You’ve worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can live in Maine, where…
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can live in the Deep South, where…
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin’” is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Bobbi Jo, etc.

You can live in Colorado, where…
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.

You can live in the Midwest, where…
1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at?”
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, “It was different!”

OR you can live in Florida, where…
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind-even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.