Top Seven Morons of 2007
1. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, “Please come out and give yourself up.”

2. WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, during which the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

3. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas convenience store and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

4. DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”

5. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.” “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No!” the man shouted. “This is her husband!”

6. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

7. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22-foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition: The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
They still had the trailer attached to the bottom of the boat.

The Husband
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposit issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had “charged” him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, “If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you ALL my business!”

That’s when she shot him.

You know, sometimes men just don’t know when to keep their mouths shut.

Blame
Let’s see if I understand how the world works lately.
If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day for forty years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world anymore. So if I die while my ass is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to blame Bill Gates. Okay?

The Transmission
Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says “Wow, that’s some hole. I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?”

The second hunter says, “I don’t know, let’s throw something down there and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”

The first hunter says “There’s this old transmission over here, give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and see.” So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two, and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole, and jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
“Say there,” says the farmer, “you fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?”

The first hunter says, “Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes and jumped headfirst into this hole here!”

And the old farmer says, “Why, that’s impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!”

A Litter Box of Cat Haiku
You never feed me.
Perhaps I’ll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

You must scratch me there!
Yes, there, just above my tail!
See, elevator butt.

The rule for today:
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

In deep sleep hear sound—
cat vomit hairball somewhere.
Will find in morning.

Blur of motion, then—
silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?

You’re always typing.
Well, let’s see you ignore me
sitting on your hands.

Terrible battle.
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What’s “toilet paper”?

Small brave carnivores
kill pine cones and mosquitoes.
Fear vacuum cleaner.

Let me outside now!
Oh, crap! Help! I got outside!
Please let me back in!

Oh, no! The Big one
trapped by local newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!

Humans very strange.
Sleep late in bed, then scream loud.
My claws not that sharp.

Cats meow in angst:
“Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much!”

The Big Ones snore now.
Every room is dark and cold.
Time for “Cup Hockey.”

We’re almost equals.
I purr to show I love you.
Want to smell my butt?

Medicine Man
Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually.

He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, “I can cure this.”

That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, “This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say ‘1, 2, 3’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”

The guy then asks, “What happens when it’s over, and I don’t want to continue?”

The medicine man replies: “All you or your partner has to say is ‘1, 2, 3, 4,’ and it will go down. But be warned—it will not work again for another year!”

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce.

He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, “1, 2, 3.”

He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life—just as the medicine man had promised.

Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, “What did you say 1, 2, 3 for?”

And that, my friends, is why you shouldn’t end a sentence with a preposition.