1977-2007
This is for those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it…
1977: Long hair.
2007: Longing for hair.
1977: KEG.
2007: EKG.
1977: Acid rock.
2007: Acid reflux.
1977: Moving to California because it’s cool.
2007: Moving to Arizona because it’s warm.
1977: Trying to look like Liz Taylor.
2007: Trying NOT to look like Liz Taylor.
1977: Seeds and stems.
2007: Roughage.
1977: Hoping for a BMW.
2007: Hoping for a BM.
1977: Going to a new, hip joint.
2007: Receiving a new hip joint.
1977: Rolling Stones.
2007: Kidney stones.
1977: Screw the system.
2007: Upgrade the system.
1977: Disco.
2007: Costco.
1977: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2007: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
1977: Passing the driver’s test.
2007: Passing the vision test.
1977: Whatever.
2007: Depends.
Feeling Old?
Just in case you weren’t feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year’s incoming freshmen. Here’s this year’s list:

• The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1989.
• They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
• Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
• Bottle caps have always been screw-off and plastic.
• The CD was introduced the year they were born.
• They have always had an answering machine.
• They have always had cable.
• They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
• Jay Leno has always been on the “Tonight Show.”
• Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
• They never took a swim and thought about “Jaws.”
• They can’t imagine what hard contact lenses are.
• They don’t know who Mork was or where he was from.
• They never heard: “Where’s the Beef?”, “I’d walk a mile for a Camel,” or “De plane, Boss, de plane!”
• They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
• McDonald’s never came in Styrofoam containers.
• They don’t have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to other old fogies who will appreciate it. It’s good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!
Choosing a Wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first invests in a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup, buys several new outfits, dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man is impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man is impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her. Then…

He married the one with the biggest breasts.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with wonderfully working equipment and absolutely no recollection of what to do with it.
About Moms
Answers given by second-grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.

Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What’s the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power ‘cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.
4. Moms have magic; they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Dye it. You know, her hair. I’d dye it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.
2. I’d make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

On Aging
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, “Surely I can’t look that old”?

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist when I noticed his diploma hanging on the wall. It bore his full name and I suddenly remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name. He had been in my high school class some 40-odd years before and I wondered if he could be the same guy I had a secret crush on him way back then.

When I got into the treatment room I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was much too old to have been my secret crush… or was he?

After he examined my teeth I asked if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

“Yes, I did. I’m a Mustang!” he said, gleaming with pride.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

“1959,” he answered. “Why do you ask?”

“Well, you were in my class!” I exclaimed.

Then that ugly, old wrinkled son-of-a-gun asked, “What did you teach?”