A virtual smorgasbord of jokes and otherwise funny stories e-mailed to FoolishTimes.

Laws of the Natural Universe
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre: The people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on the carpet are directly correlated to the newness of the carpet.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Brown’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
Oliver’s Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson’s Law: As soon as you find a product you really like, they will stop making it.

Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “In.”
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write “For Smuggling Diamonds.”
7. Finish all your sentences with “in accordance with the Prophecy.”
8. Don’t use any punctuation
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Order a “diet water” whenever you go out to eat, with a straight face.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream “I won! I won!”
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “Run for your lives, they’re loose!”
19. Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we’re going to have to let one of you go.”
When Insults Had Class
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” —Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” —Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” —William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” —Groucho Marx
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” —Mark Twain
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” —Oscar Wilde
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…if you have one.” —George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second…if there is one.” —Winston Churchill’s response to Shaw
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” —Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” —John Bright
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” —Irvin S. Cobb
“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” —Samuel Johnson
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” —Paul Keating
“He had delusions of adequacy.” —Walter Kerr
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” —Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” —Mae West
“Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!” —Lady Astor to Winston Churchill at a dinner party
“Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!” —Winston Churchill, in response to Lady Astor
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” —Oscar Wilde
Old Days
I came across the phrase “fender skirts” yesterday—a term I haven’t heard in a long time.
And thinking about “fender skirts” started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice, like “curb feelers.”
And “steering knobs” (AKA “suicide knob”).
Since I’d been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to them.
Remember “Continental kits”? They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.
When did we quit calling them “emergency brakes”? At some point “parking brake” became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with “emergency brake.”
I’m sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the “foot feed.”
Didn’t you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the “running board” up to the house?
Here’s a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore—”store-bought.” Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.
“Coast to coast” is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term “world wide” for granted. This floors me.
On a smaller scale, “wall-to-wall” was once a magical term in our homes. In the ‘50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.
When’s the last time you heard the quaint phrase “in a family way”? It’s hard to imagine that the word “pregnant” was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company. So we had all that talk about stork visits and “being in a family way” or simply “expecting.”
Apparently “brassiere” is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it’s just “bra” now. “Unmentionables” probably wouldn’t be understood at all.
I always loved going to the “picture show,” but I considered “movie” an affectation.
Most of these words go back to the ‘50s, but here’s a pure-’60s word I came across the other day—”rat fink.” Oooh, what a nasty put-down!
Here’s a word I miss—”percolator.” That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? “Coffee maker.” How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.
I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like “DynaFlow” and “Electrolux.” Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with “SpectraVision!”
Food for thought—Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that’s what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore, either.
Some words aren’t gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most is “supper.” Now everybody says “dinner.” Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.

Sunday Dinner for Italians
The true Italians will love this, those of you who are married to Italians will understand this, and those of you who are friends with Italians will remember and will show it to their Italian friends.
Italians have a $40,000 kitchen, but use the $259 stove from Sears in the basement to cook.
There is some sort of religious statue in the hallway, living room, bedroom, front porch, and backyard.
The living room is filled with old wedding favors with poofy net bows and stale almonds (they are too pretty to open).
A portrait of the Pope and Frank Sinatra hang in the dining room.
God forbid if anyone EVER attempted to eat Chef Boy-ar-dee, Franco American, Ragu, Prego, or anything else in a jar or can (tomato paste is the exception).
Meatballs are made with Pork, Veal, and Beef. We are Italians, we don’t care about cholesterol.
Turkey is served on Thanksgiving, AFTER the manicotti, gnocchi, lasagna, and soup.
If anyone EVER says ES-CAROLE, slap ‘em in the face—it’s SHCAROLE.
If they ever say ITALIAN WEDDING SOUP, let the idiot know that there is no wedding, nor is there an Italian in the soup. Also, the tiny meatballs must be made by hand.
No matter how hard you know you were going to get smacked, you still came home from church after communion, you stuck half a loaf of bread in the sauce pot, snuck out a fried meatball, and chowed down…you’ll make up for it next week at confession.
Sunday dinner was at 1:00. The meal went like this…
Table is set with everyday dishes…doesn’t matter if they don’t match…they’re clean, what more do you want?
All the utensils go on the right side of the plate and the napkin goes on the left. Put a clean kitchen towel at Nonna and Nonno’s plate because they won’t use napkins.
Homemade wine and bottles of 7-Up are on the table.
First course, Antipasto…change plates. Next, Macaroni (Nonna called all spaghetti Macaroni)…change plates.
After that, roasted meats, roasted potatoes, overcooked vegetables… change plates.
THEN and only then (NEVER AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MEAL) would you eat the salad (HOMEMADE OIL & VINEGAR DRESSING ONLY)…change plates.
Next, fruit and nuts—in the shell (on paper plates because you ran out of the other ones).
Coffee with Anisette (Espresso for Nonno, “Merican” coffee for the rest) with hard cookies (Biscotti) to dip in the coffee.
The kids go play…the men go lie down.
They slept so soundly you could perform brain surgery on them without anesthesia…the women cleaned the kitchen.
Getting screamed at by Mom or Nonna—half the sentence was English, the other half Italian.
Italian mothers never threw a baseball in their life, but can nail you in the head with a shoe thrown from the kitchen while you’re in the living room.
Prom dress that Zia Ceserina made you…$20.00 for material. Prom hair-do from Cousin Angela…$Free. Turning around at prom to see your entire family (including Godparents) standing in the back of the gym… PRICELESS!