Police Call
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?” George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
Church Bulletin Bloopers
Bertha Belch, a missionary, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch, all the way from Africa.
The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
Don’t let worry kill you off. Let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang “I Will Not Pass This Way Again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday night. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday night. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I upped my pledge! Up yours!”
Terms Other Than “Boyfriend”
#1. Partner
The Good: There’s no doubt that everyone’s equal in this relationship.
The Bad: Are you dating or starting up a limited liability company?
#2. Lover
The Good: It’s sophisticated, it leaves nothing to the imagination, and it’s dramatic.
The Bad: We’ve got four words for you: “Granny, meet my lover…”
#3. Paramour
The Good: It’s French, and they seem to know a little bit about how to make love last (hello, kisses).
The Bad: Trying to explain to your family that this doesn’t mean he has a wife and 2.5 kids at home.
#4. Life Hostage
The Good: No need to grip his sleeve at parties; you’ve staked your claim.
The Bad: Possessive much?
#5. Manfriend
The Good: You’re finally dating a grown-up, good for you.
The Bad: He’s retreating to his man cave right about… now.
#6. Honey
The Good: It’s sweet enough to eat, and doubles as a nickname appropriate in the bedroom and out.
The Bad: Mariah Carey called. You stole her line.
#7. Flame
The Good: Hot, hot, hot.
The Bad: All that’s missing is a set of gold chains and a bad perm, and you’re back in the seventies.
#8. Beau
The Good: It’s old-fashioned romance at its best.
The Bad: Other than the fact that you sound like old Aunt Agnes, not much.
#9. Escort
The Good: No need to have “the talk” if you’re not sure how into monogamy he is.
The Bad: Explaining you didn’t pay this guy to sit at your table at your best friend’s wedding.
#10. Companion
The Good: Wherever you go, he goes, and he’s happy to be along for the ride.
The Bad: You know who makes a good companion? Your dog.
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