YOU’RE AN EXTREME REDNECK WHEN…

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, “Hey, guys, watch this.”

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

11. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

14. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

15. You think the last words of “The Star-Spangled Banner” are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”

THE IMPORTANCE OF WALKING

1. Walking 20 minutes can add to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7,000 per month.

2. My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we haven’t a clue where he is.

3. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

4. The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

5. I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

6. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to actually go there.

7. Every time I hear the dirty word “exercise,” I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

8. I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9. The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they’ll say, “Well, he looks good, doesn’t he.”

10. If you’re going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

11. I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years. Just getting over the hill was enough.

12. We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our skulls.

13. Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
CREATIVE PUNS FOR SMART MINDS

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber-band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here, I’ll go on a head.”

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, “Keep off the Grass.”

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

When the cannibals ate the missionary, they got a taste of religion.
SOME VERY FOOLISH HEADLINES
OR
WHEN EDITORS SLEEP

SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS

Ya think!?

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS

Now that’s taking things a bit far!

PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER

What a guy!

MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH

Good-for-nothing lazy so-and-so’s!

JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE

I can see where it might have that effect.

IF STRIKE ISN’T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST AWHILE

Ya think!?

COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES

Who would have thought!

LONDON COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE

They may be on to something!

RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGES

You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?

MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING FACES BATTERY CHARGE

He probably IS the battery charge!

NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP

Weren’t they fat enough?!

ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT

That’s what he gets for eating those beans!

KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS

Do they taste like chicken?

LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS CUT IN HALF

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS

Boy, are they tall!
SUMMER CLASSES FOR MEN

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY FRIDAY, AUGUST 29TH, 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, EACH CLASS SIZE WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays-Step By Step, With Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll-Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat To Avoid The Floor, Walls, And Nearby Bathtub?-Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper And The Floor-Pictures And Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes-Can They Levitate And Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples On Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 6
Loss Of Identity-Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line And Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things-Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch-Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics And Audio Tapes. Three nights: Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost-Real-Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM. Location to be determined. Don’t ask.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturdays, noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live-Basic Differences Between Mother And Wife. Online Classes And Role-Playing. Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 12
How To Be The Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation Exercises, Meditation, And Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday, for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How To Fight Cerebral Atrophy-Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries, And Other Important Dates And Calling When You’re Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions And Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights: Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven-What It Is And How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.