By Tom Burns – “Rex, that girl I met last week is coming over in a few minutes with a DVD she wants me to see. Be on your best behavior. Her name is Darlene, but she uses her ‘astro-name’ Luthinia X. Her friends call her Lu for short. She a hottie, so don’t blow it for me.”
Rex continued to lie on his back on the couch next to me, with his eyes closed.
The knock on the door made my heart race. “She’s here! She’s here!”
Rex continued to lie on his back on the couch next to me, with his eyes closed.
“Oh, my God. She’s a 12 on a scale of 10! Any of that Costco pizza stuck in my teeth?” I showed my teeth to Rex. Rex continued to lie on his back on the couch next to me, with his eyes closed.
“Oh, hi, Lu, come on in. And this is Rex. I told you all about Rex, remember?”
“Cool dog, Tom! Well, here’s the DVD. It’s called ‘UFO Abduction Conspiracy: The Grays That Live Amongst Us.’ Pop it in, and, oh, I brought three pyramid foil hats, two for us and one for Rex. Put it on. It centers you and opens your chakras to communicate with aliens life forms.”
We put them on. Rex continued to lie on his back on the couch with his eyes closed wearing a small pyramid foil hat.
Lu wore a short denim skirt and a thin halter top that said “Roswell Lives!” across her chest area, which was fine with me. I read her shirt message over and over and over again.
Before we sat down to watch the film, Lu grabbed my Barco-Lounger and dragged it across the room and exchanged the places of that and my six foot statue of Chris Farley. “Bad Feng Shui,” she said.
As the opening credits ran on the DVD, Lu asked if I had listened to Coast to Coast AM last night. “Coast to What last night?”
“It’s has the largest AM radio audience in the country. The old Art Bell Show. On every single night from 10 pm to 2 am. I never miss it. Last night was the author of a new book on Zombies. Night before was a man who thinks he found Atlantis. In Akron, Ohio!”
“Like something to drink, Lu?”
“I don’t drink-drink. Chamomile tea?”
I told her I was fresh out of tea and hoped she didn’t notice the sixty-three cases of beer in the spare bedroom. “Hey, want some Doritos and bean dip, Lu?”
“My body is a Temple to Goddess Gaia. Junk food is poison.”
I paused a moment. There appeared to be a sizeable chasm between our life styles. But, she flicked her long blonde hair, and I was back in the game.
“Hey, Lu, how about some Buffalo Wings?”
“Sorry, I’m vegan.”
“Celery?”
“Organic?”
“Ah, no . . .”
“Sorry. I don’t put Agro-Corporate pesticides in the Temple of . . .”
“The Goddess Gaia. I see. ‘Spose a KFC Big Bucket is out too, then.”
Rex heard “KFC” and slowly wagged his tail out of respect for the Colonel.
Well, we watched the DVD of ‘UFO Abduction Conspiracy: The Grays That Live Amongst Us.’ I thought it was a bunch of baloney, but Lu got teary-eyed half way through when they showed a crop circle peace sign.
During the course of the film, I had tried on several occasions to put my arm around Lu, hold hands with her, and once boldly lay my hand on her thigh. All attempts were rebuffed, and when I “accidently” rubbed “Roswell Lives!” with my elbow, she slapped my arm.
As we sat on the couch afterward and discussed world peace, ending hunger, the upcoming end of the world in December 2012, and male immaturity, she acquiesced to a shoulder rub, which surprised me.
I slyly worked my way down her back, around her upper ribs, and was making a bee-line for “Roswell Lives,” when she looked at her organic, free trade watch.
“Oh, my! Look at the time! I gotta’ go! Time for Coast to Coast AM!”
She stood up, spritzed me with water blessed by a Peruvian shaman, and took off.
I sat back down on the couch after she left. Rex sat up, stretched and yawned. I adjusted his foil pyramid hat, and mine as well. I got up and went into the kitchen and brought back a beer, a plate of Buffalo Wings and a cold hotdog for Rex.
As Rex wolfed down his hotdog, I touched the top of both our foil hats. “I think I’ll call her in a few days and see if the wants to go next Saturday night to the Central Texan Barbeque in Castroville for steaks and then have a tequila chugging contest on the nude beach. The Goddess Gaia needs a good night out on the town, is what I say.”
Rex lay back down next to me on the couch on his back and closed his eyes. His pyramid foil hat had come loose and fallen on the floor. That didn’t seem to bother him one bit. I adjusted mine and turned on the radio to the Coast to Coast AM show. Might as well get used to it.
Om, brother, Ommmmm..
.
