I had signed up for an Internet dating service. My dating activities were non-existent; I had tried meeting girls in all the usual places—Costco tire store, the West Coast Hubcap Convention, San Jose Jell-O Wrestling Nights, tool rental yards, and even a hip boot fashion show.

Oh, Rex has had a gal for years. Millie is his true love. Even though with her being an English Sheep dog and ten times as big as he, they make a lovely couple. But me? I am a chronic loser when it comes to women. My last date ended in shambles when I asked her to chip in with the tip at Denny’s. I thought women liked to be independent.

So, I had surveyed the available women on the dating site. One in particular, Sky, seemed to be a real stunner and a romantic. Good job, liked walks on the beach, picnics in the park, the Three Stooges, and rebuilding truck engines. I wondered, if she was such a catch, why hadn’t someone already scooped her up? Maybe she was a double leg amputee, since her photo was from the waist up. Anyway, I connected with her and eventually called her. She seemed nice, intelligent, and had a good sense of humor. Better yet, she had her own truck and tools.

We had agreed on a time and place to meet: 5:55 p.m. in the Denny’s parking lot. (I wanted to scoot in early enough to qualify for the early-bird special.)

I had decided to bring Rex and have him vet her. Rex and I sat in the car playing Paper Scissors Rock as a new Lexus drove in. A woman resembling the photo on the dating site got out. Holy mackerel! My heart almost leapt out of my dirty T-shirt. She came over to the car and introduced herself and then noticed Rex with his feet up on the backseat window, panting as though he had just run a marathon.

“Oh, this must be Rexie! Hi, little guy! Oh, Ted, he’s soooooo cute!!!”

“It’s TOM, not Ted.”

“Whatever. Oh, Rexie, Rexie, Rexie. You’re such a handsome young man!”

I got out of the car. “Well, Sky, let’s go in Denny’s and get to know each . . .”

“Oh! Let me hold Rex. Please? Pretty please?”

“Sure.”

She picked up Rex and nuzzled him and fawned over him.

Damned dog! She gives me a hand to shake, and lets him lick her face!!! He’ll pay for that. I slammed the door shut in his face extra hard to convey my being miffed at him.

Inside, we ordered our meals and she excused herself to go to the ladies room. She had been gone for an extremely long time. I looked out the window and there she was, IN THE PARKING LOT. She had snuck back out and was playing with Rex. She came back in. “Sorry, Tony. He’s just so cute.” As she sat down, Rex popped his head out of her purse. “I hope it’s okay that I brought him in, Ted.”

Oh, he’s going to get it when we get home . . .

I swear to God Rex winked at me. No more Costco pizza for him for a frickin’ YEAR . . .

Our meals came. Sky plowed through her lobster and filet mignon as I quietly munched on my hot dog. Rex would frequently poke his snout out of her purse and slurp up a tidbit from her like a wolf eel sucking up a sardine. I’m gonna chain him to the water pipe for a week. . .

As we finished, I mentioned that maybe it would be fun to take in a movie. They were playing “Silence of the Lambs” on the Costco big-screen TVs. She declined, but begged me to let her take Rex home for the night—she’d bring him home tomorrow.

“But . . . but . . . but, maybe we could . . .”

“Oh, THANK you, Ron. I’ll let him take a bath with me, too. He looks a little dirty. I’ll even give him breakfast in bed—he can have my leftover filet mignon.”

She left with Rex. I went home.

I lay there in bed, seething. Were they done with their little bathie-bathie yet? Was he under the covers, poking his wet warm snout into places where even my dreams dared not? Did he fall asleep with his paw on her hip? Did he lie on the pillow, just watching her breathe? Did he kiss her forehead when he got back in bed from getting up to pee in the middle of the night?

I had been out on an expensive date and she couldn’t even get my name right. My dog . . . MY DOG spends the night with her!!!

In the wee hours of the morning, a quiet resolve came over me. I realized I had been looking for love in all the wrong places. Bring on the slings and arrows of defeat. Hope springs eternal. Next weekend there was a TV Remote Control convention coming to town, AND Denny’s was having a two-for-one special.

* * *

Tom and / or Rex can be reached at burns100@earthlink.net.