Exactly where you like me.

by Daria James — (With a French accent and smoking a cigarette) Oh L’amour. (Back to American accent) What a bunch of bologna! Here is the part where I flick my cigarette, mainly because uh, gross and dramatic effect. Falling in love has been romanticized for far too long by people who have no idea how to nail the landing, that is what happens after you fall, don’t get mad at me, blame gravity. Whether it is a free fall from a plane and you have a working parachute, falling down a waterfall, or falling down the stairs, you must eventually land, and we are not all equipped or physically prepared to perform such reckless stunts. To quote Aerosmith “Falling in love is so hard on your knees.”

When you enter a relationship, love is not an endless honeymoon with champagne and roses. That is mentally draining and physically exhausting, not to mention demanding and it’s a bore when it becomes a chore. Booyah! I am a poet. I need to get a pipe, it would help reinforce my points, an old-fashioned tobacco pipe. Or a monocle. Because that is right, all these words come naturally. Love is not strangling your husband when he snores. Love is him bringing you ice cream after he said you were bloated. Love is both working out the dishes situation and choosing quality time over quantity time. Help each other be a better roommate.

Why do people believe in this never-ending honeymoon, you ask? Because the movies end with this “happy ending” and roll the credits. If they were to keep rolling, the audience would see their beloved damsels yell at prince charming for leaving his dirty socks in the kitchen and not helping with the baby responsibilities. Then prince charming would throw a tantrum because he wants to go to the bar and hang out with his bros like his life has not been affected by his new relationship. Hey, do not make changes if you do not want, but do compromise.

Every relationship is different. We might share similarities with other couples, but the chemistry and treaty my husband and I have in effect has different statutes of limitations. We also review and update them periodically, we must stay current with the times. I am hip. I know what’s cool. I also have a great agent, me. I am my best representative. Besides, what’s love go to with it? No, seriously. One time we were joking about divorce and my husband got all Ike Turner (not the physical part, do not get ahead. I am talking about the court scene). He said everything is under his name so I would leave with nothing. So, I got all Tina, looked him straight in the eyes and said you can have it all! All I need is my name. Best part was the look of shock on his face. He hadn’t even watched the movie! Must be a go-to male response when they feel vulnerable. But I did not break character and we are still happily married. Marriage is like a marathon. It’s all about endurance and you better have insurance. Was one of us bluffing? Perhaps, but we are not done yet.

People ask me to share relationship secrets. Truth is there aren’t any secrets, just leave the others alone and start with yourself. How can you love someone else when you do not love yourself? How can somebody else love you, if you do not love yourself? Light begets light, and baguettes if you are in France. Nailed it!

You’ll see, before I met him, I was not looking for love, let alone looking for a husband. I was working on myself. I was on a spiritual journey. I was full of joy with dreams and aspirations while perspiration was happening at the gym during work out sessions. Boom! Nailed it again!

All I am saying, is we all have room for improvement, be the better you. The bare necessities of life will come to you! If you continue to run into the exact same issues with your prospective lovers and/or co-workers, it is not them it is you. Because what are the chances the universe is strategically positioning those a-holes for you to keep bumping into them? You attract what you put out, man. Every day is a new day, and you too can be simply the best!

Ok, wine might have had something to do with this. In my defense, it is really cold in my house. We are still working out the thermostat agreement. Do not negotiate with Russians in the winter.

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