DILLIGS: Resolutions and Other Pipe Dreams

By Mary Tompsett – Once again, we’ve spent the last weeks of the year singing about rockin’ the night away in a one-whore sleigh. So much for family values. But we’ve left 2018, an even year, and now dip our toes into 2019, an odd one. Gimme a spankin’ big yippee for all things odd! 2019 lies ahead like a blank page, momentarily free of doodles, rips, and the inevitable coffee cup ring mucking up the unfinished page. Thanks for letting me barge into your life with advice that is both caring and clueless. With fruity, snarky overtones. As always, DILLIGS = Does It Look Like I Give a Sh*t?!

QUESTION: What could an 80-year-old do to spice up the new year? DILLIGS: I’m thinking…okay, got it. The committee in my head agrees you’d be perfect for a six-month school in movie stunt work. It’s nothing too wild, just the usual leaping from helicopter to unicycle, surviving an elephant stampede, and performing synchronized swimming in quicksand. If four 20-year-olds can master these stunts, then so can one 80-year-old. Know your fractions. Still, before enrolling, beef up your risk tolerance by trying cheap unwaxed dental floss, and not buckling your seat belt until after you start the car. Geezers rock!

QUESTION: Every year I break my resolutions before we’ve even taken down the outside decorations. Help! DILLIGS: The answer is obvious: Stop decorating! Why? (1) No deadline, no stress, though you’ll probably still fail. That’s a shame. (2) I’ve seen that circus on your lawn: Frosty leaning on a three-legged camel, the shepherds leering at carolers, with Santa and Snoopy flanking baby Jesus. Where are his parents?!? Either focus on a single theme, or up the chaos factor with an inflatable 10-foot Easter bunny.

QUESTION: How can I be sure my career ladder is secure? DILLIGS: Not to worry. From the ground, the ladder looks safe and sturdy, right? But partway up, dense fog blinds us while we clamber over broken or missing steps.Then, sunlight at the top! But, alas…(ominous music here)…we discover the ladder is attached to a slide! Into the depths of…but I digress. Diversify your skills: (1) when hackers crash the internet, you can sell and repair typewriters; (2) with extra chemistry and communications courses, you can sign the Periodic Table; or (3) brush up on your body waxing skills to work in a Silver Back Primates day spa.

QUESTION: I resolved not to swear in 2019. Golly gee, it’s hard. DILLIGS: No sht. If you can conquer swearing, please tell me how the fck you did it. But here’s a thought: replace swearing with something “positive,” like learning a new word a day. Tip: Find innocent words that sound like you’re swearing, and then blurt them out, ideally on a bus filled with Puritans who refuse to wear hearing aids. Give this a whirl: “Anyone here struggle with formication? It’s true that hoarfrost on a tufted titmouse often leads to piloerection. Stay safe, everyone.”
© 2019

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