by Mary Tompsett — ’Tis the season of stress and cheap fruitcake, and we’re cruisin’ full throttle aboard the annual cursing spree of Holiday Tourette Syndrome. So, all advice must go! Here’s my first tip: If you gain weight this month, just return the ugly sweater or those ultra thong ski pants and treat yourself to a larger straitjacket. As a lifelong blatherskite, my thoughts in this DILLIGS column (aka “Does it look like I give a sh-t?!”) may veer off course like a three-wheeled shopping cart. But, baby, you can’t beat the price.
QUESTION: My mother-in-law makes everything about her. Any tips on narcissism? DILLIGS: You think that’s bad?? I’ve been there, done that, and a measly mother-in-law is nothing compared to my vast experience with hordes of these sickos. Several big-name publishers—a really, really big bunch of them—have hounded me to write a book on the topic, perhaps a trilogy. I’m told that’s, like, three books! Guaranteed a best-seller, with movie rights. Thanks for writing, so glad I could help.
QUESTION: How can I spend less on gifts? DILLIGS: Here’s a great idea for stocking stuffers. Grab that bag of hoarded 1990s shoulder pads, and in the center of each pad, glue one of the Easter marshmallow bunnies rescued from the attic mice. Smooth the nibbled parts, then cut off the ears and attach them to the bunny chests in the shape of praying hands…paws. Whatever. Add glitter and voila! Unique angel doodads for those ‘hard to buy for” lawyers in the corporate office. Money saved—ka-ching! A high-return strategy your financial planner never bothered to tell you.
QUESTION: How can I deal with rude shoppers in crowded stores? DILLIGS: I find few things more effective and satisfying than sauntering through the “70% Off” aisle with a giant python coiled around me. Give this a whirl! And when the cops are called, present a “license” downloaded from the Internet, and explain that “Fuzzy” is a trained service pet for your Holiday Tourette Syndrome.
QUESTION: What’s the best way to survive a reindeer attack? DILLIGS: Ooh, now we’re rockin’! As a comparison: When a bear attacks, it’s best to go limp and imitate a hunk of meat long past the expiration date. But, to ward off garden slugs, make yourself large, loud and fierce! If they circle you, punch the pack leader directly on its pineal gland. If you miss, all bets are off. Reindeer, however, have long controlled the narrative that they’re docile animals. Fake news!! They often run amok and entangle their antlers in the belts of unsuspecting golfers, then drag their prey underwater and roll violently until the golfer drowns or admits cheating. Beware of reindeer shenanigans if you see garish plaid clothing float to the surface of a suburban koi pond. Your best defense? Easy. Keep “Fuzzy” nearby, off leash.
Holy suspicious red noses! Could our Christmas mythology have a dark and dangerous underbelly? After all these years singin’ about not joining any “reindeer games,” I say we nab Rudolph for a chat.
© 2018 Mary Tompsett