by Mary Tompsett — What a bummer. The fallout from last month’s advice column DILLIGS fell way short of the chaos I’d hoped to see. Did my Midwest accent throw y’all off your feed? Think Fargo, oh you betcha. So we’ll just take this here column out for another spin to spread the love. My inner well continues to yield gallons of insight. (My brother insists a better metaphor would be that my septic tank of wisdom has been leaking big yukky. Thank you, Mr. Smartypants.) Do you need mentoring with a hug? The acronym DILLIGS sums up my mission to help others: “Does It Look Like I Give a Sh*t?!”
Hold on to your hairnets, kids, here we go! QUESTION: I’m taking a cruise next week. What if I fall off the ship? DILLIGS: In the news recently, a woman fell overboard and survived 10 hours in the ocean before rescue. Luck? Skill? Well, when the Coast Guard showed up, she had the presence of mind to—are you ready?—shout and wave. Atta girl!! But while bobbing in the sea she reportedly sang her heart out. Ten hours and not one nibble from a shark? Obviously, music repels them! This is why we never ever hear of opera singers being attacked while straddling their surfboards. So, to prepare for a water survival, rehearse a few Broadway tunes. Nothing confuses sharks and also increases visibility for rescuers like flailing amidst a floating island of soggy sheet music. Not a singer? Carry a violin. For maximum protection, I personally wouldn’t stroll on deck without first strapping on a tuba.
QUESTION: We’re looking to sell a house. Will burying a statue of St. Jude in the yard increase our chances? DILLIGS: I’ve heard of folks doing this, but in today’s market Jude is probably up to his holy eyeballs in work. If you want to enlist other help, I would skip the popular saints who typically have a huge backlog of requests. Consider a lesser known person, a religious version of the lonely Maytag repairman, a saint waiting for a call while moisturizing calluses caused by centuries of kneeling. Among those flying below the radar, you could try St. Gummarus, St. James the Lesser, St. Alphege the Bald, or my all-time personal favorite, St. John the Great Sinner—all of them real saints, bored silly and desperate to get in the game.
Of course, statues for these outliers are rare. But I can give you a damn good deal on a life-sized St. Joan of Arc—on horseback! Renting a backhoe ain’t cheap, so instead of burying Joan and her war horse “Muffin,” just put ’em smack dab on the front lawn this month between Casper the Ghost and that huge, ratty spider web you haul out every October. I’ve priced the statue for a quick sale because of a teeny weeny flaw. Joan is, ah…mounted backwards. But hey, you can hardly tell unless you look real close. And she’s yours for just five chickens! Must be free-range and litter box-trained.