By Mary Tompsett – People have been yabbering about The Hunger Games. Holy hip fat, what a great name! Finally, a diet club we can trust. Skip the lecture and weigh-in and let us belly up to play a round of the new HG board game. The dice are shaped like little refrigerators and oh, what a high to pick up a Get Out of Fat Pants Free card while the hostess serves deep-dish pizza. Even the markers are inspirational—the chocolate kiss, the tiny cattle scale. But my favorite is the miniature jaw. Wired shut.
As for flapping jaws, the category of Unusual iPhone Apps has yielded a little Korean beauty called, Honey, It’s Me! The app calls us during the day in a selected male or female voice. Thank God! We all know the work of establishing real relationships gets old pretty fast. Instead of flagging our desperation on dating sites and uploading fake photos, we have an instant Honey who’ll call us with a breathy request to pick up bread and milk on the way home.
What, you don’t speak Korean? Well, quit whining and be grateful the message isn’t in sign language. I’ll admit, hearing a grocery list ain’t much of a turn-on, but neither is a robotic reminder to bring home the booze and sex toys. Jeez, I run enough damn errands! No, with this app the sweetest sound I could hear is my fantasy Honey wheezing with chest pain as he tells me his bank account passcodes.
Lately I’ve been pondering the purpose of sleep. Ironically the puzzle keeps me awake at night. One theory is that our neural synapses get overloaded during wakefulness and need some “pruning” to stay efficient. Gotta say, I’m a big fan of daily pruning. Keeps me regular. But clearly sleep has several purposes, and in decreasing order of importance they are:
- All-you-can-eat buffet for spiders. Protects bedbugs from extinction.
- Universally preferred alternative to anything resembling work.
- Provide ongoing markets for: (a) beds and the mops to dust underneath them; and (b) the Little Mermaid nightgown with (heh heh) matching slippers.
- Proper drool drainage. During sleep the body purges itself of extra saliva and other secretions better left unnamed. Sleep deprivation is dangerous not for its effects on the brain but because of the resulting whale-like bloat.
- Sleep’s most critical purpose? Avoiding conversation after sex. Do not underestimate the value of this. Prior to sex, we’re all focused and caring because our expectations—along with key body parts—are up! But afterward, everything—everything—no longer works. Except for the female brain. That sucker never quits. While men are happily snoring and leaking fluids, we lie there craving not only conversation and cuddling, but also the leftover brownies lurking in the cupboard.
Bottom line? Men everywhere awaken refreshed and drool-free each morning, thus returning stability to the universe. Good thing, because women are doomed to crawl out of the sack, sleep-deprived and mistakenly blaming their hideous bloat on that bitch Sara Lee.
Copyright ? 2012 by Mary Tompsett
