I’m a geek. I freely admit it, mainly because I can’t freely deny it. Everyone has an inner geek; the problem with me is it’s also my outer geek.
And I’m not talking about the geeks no one makes fun of, like Thomas Edison or Albert Einstein. They were total geeks. But these guys transcended geekdom by inventing the motion picture and having a really crazy mustache. Making fun of these guys would be like making fun of Stephen Hawking’s chair. Not cool.
I’m also not talking about geeks that fit more seamlessly into American society than, say, Pokémon geeks. For some reason, sports geeks, history geeks, fashion geeks, and political geeks all get a pass when it comes to being a dork even though it’s just as nerdy to know the difference between a Light Tank M2 and a Light Tank M3 as it is to know the difference between a Klingon with a bumpy head and a Klingon without a bumpy head. But admit in public you know about the tlhIngan tuHmoH and you’re just asking for a wedgie. If not a physical one, well, all the normal people around you are thinking about it.
But to what extent are YOU a geek? Would you give 1,000 Republic Credits to find out? Sorry, that was a trick question. If you know what Republic Credits are, you don’t need geek reassurance. For those of you who aren’t quite sure you’re a geek, if you know any of the below, you’re already in the club.
10 Things Every Real Geek Should Know
(Plus 10 reasons why Jason’s a geek)
1. Gary Gygax created “Dungeons and Dragons.” Jason’s a geek because: His first published work appeared in the D&D magazine “Dragon.”
2. Not even TV’s Batman, Adam West, knows what material his bat cape is made of because the label is too faded. Jason’s a geek because: He’s friends with Adam West on Facebook.
3. Mr. Spock appeared in every episode of the original “Star Trek”; Capt. Kirk did not. Jason’s a geek because: He won his first game of Trivial Pursuit on the question, “In what state was Capt. Kirk born?” The answer is Iowa.
4. Spider-Man is hyphenated. Jason’s a geek because: As a kid, he thought Peter Parker was cool. NO ONE thinks Peter Parker is cool.
5. “Gilligan’s Island” creator Sherwood Schwartz named the doomed S.S. Minnow after FCC chairman Newton Minow who, in 1961, dubbed TV a “vast wasteland.” Jason’s a geek because: Dawn Wells (Mary Ann Summers) graduated from Stephens College in Columbia, Mo. Jason used the bathroom there once.
6. Yoda died at 900 years old. Jason’s a geek because: As a newspaper editor, he once made a reporter who wanted to reference Yoda’s age call Lucasfilm Limited to confirm it because a reader might know if the reporter was wrong.
7. A drink in “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. The effect of drinking one “is like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.” Jason’s a geek because: There is a recipe in the book and in college Jason attempted to make a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster using earth-bound products from the local supermarket. It was awful.
8. “Harry Potter” actor Alan Rickman was the bad guy in “Die Hard.” Jason’s a geek because: “Die Hard” is his favorite Christmas movie.
9. The Aragorn/Arwen love story, which was a major plot line in “The Lord of the Rings” movies, was only a minor part in J.R.R. Tolkien’s books. This really ticked off many loyal LOTR fans. However, the love story exists in Appendix A in the book “The Return of the King.” Jason’s a geek because to fans: Real geeks like Jason read the appendices.
10. Ralph Malph, played by Donny Most, was one of the least popular characters on “Happy Days.” Jason’s a geek because: Jason has Donny Most’s autograph.
As you’re reading this, I’m pushing up my glasses with an index finger.
Embrace your inner geek, love your inner geek, release your inner geek. Remember, the geek shall inherit the, uh, the … well, I don’t know what we’ll inherit. Maybe Nacho Cheese Doritos or something. That would be awesome.
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Jason’s latest book, “What Lurks Beyond: The Paranormal in Your Backyard,” is available at amazon.com.