Monthly Archives: July 2010

Foolish Shorts July

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Last Request

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, “Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.”
“And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?”
The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service, and write on the envelope, ‘Now you have everything’.”

Last Request
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, “Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.” “And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?” The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service, and write on the envelope, ‘Now you have everything’.”

The Penguin

A policeman saw a man walking down the street with a penguin. He told the man he should take the penguin to the zoo.

“Good idea,” the man replied, and off he went.

The next day the policeman saw the man again, and he still had the penguin with him.

“I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo,” the policeman said.

“I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking him to the movies.”

Job Applicant

A dog goes into a hardware store and says, “I’d like a job, please.”
The hardware store owner says, “We don’t hire dogs. Why don’t you go join the circus?”
The dog replies, “What would the circus want with a plumber!?”

Fool Laughs July

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Jokes we found in the seat cushions.

The Criminal

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned two hours later with a black eye.
“Did you get hit by the same person?” his captain asked.
“No,” he replied. “I stepped on the same rake.”
This Month’s Blonde Joke
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”
When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly twenty pounds. “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.
“No, from skipping.”
Dangerous Dog
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
He asked the store manager, “Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”
“Yep, that’s him,” the manager replied.
The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”
“Because,” the owner said, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”
Deer Crossing
A crew of highway maintenance workers was sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a deer-crossing sign.
As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one crew member looked back and spotted a deer trotting across the highway.
Turning to a co-worker, he said, “Wonder how long he’s been waiting to cross?”

The Criminal

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold. An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned two hours later with a black eye. “Did you get hit by the same person?” his captain asked. “No,” he replied. “I stepped on the same rake.”


This Month’s Blonde Joke

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly twenty pounds. “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?”The blonde nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.“No, from skipping.”


Dangerous Dog

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. He asked the store manager, “Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?” “Yep, that’s him,” the manager replied. The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?” “Because,” the owner said, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”


Deer Crossing

A crew of highway maintenance workers was sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a deer-crossing sign. As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one crew member looked back and spotted a deer trotting across the highway. Turning to a co-worker, he said, “Wonder how long he’s been waiting to cross?”