The best jokes money can buy. (We PAID for these?!? —Ed.)
Twins
A census taker in a rural area of Kentucky went up to a camphouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages. She said, “Le’s see now, there’s the twins, Sally and Billy. They’re thirty-two. And the twins. Seth and Beth. They’re twenty-six. And the twins, Penny and Jenny. They’re twenty-four.”
“Hold on!” said the census taker, “Did you get twins EVERY time?”
The woman answered, “Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn’t get nothin’.”
Physical
Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor in Boca Raton to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”
“Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma’ and ‘be cheerful,’” Morris replied.
To which the doctor said, “I didn’t say that, Morris. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur, be careful.’”
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early-morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Going Postal
by Ted Gargiulo
Did you know that the famous Czech composer Antonín Dvo?ák was the first man to ship himself across the United States in a parcel?
It seems he couldn’t afford the train fare from his summer place in Spilleville, Iowa, to New York City, where he was scheduled to begin rehearsals for the premiere of his New World Symphony. That did not, however, deter the composer, who was nothing if not resourceful. He figured a package had to travel cheaper than a person. Right? So, he constructed a specially padded crate, large enough for him to fit inside, then had his friends seal him up and carry him to the local post office. From there, he was addressed, stamped, and dispatched to New York via Parcel Post.
As luck would have it, the train developed a mechanical problem in Cleveland, and the shipment was delayed a couple of days.
Meanwhile, back in New York, the concert date was drawing closer, and Dvo?ák was nowhere to be found. His business agent began to worry. “Where is Antonín?” he asked the composer’s wife, who had stayed behind that summer. “I demand to know why your husband is not here. If he does not show by tomorrow, I will be forced to cancel the concert and sue him for breach of contract!”
Mrs. Dvo?ák, who knew of her husband’s alternate travel plans, wasn’t the least bit concerned. “Don’t vorry,” she calmly replied. “Der Czech is in der mail.”
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Ted Gargiulo’s stories and essays have appeared in The San Jose Mercury News, The Monterey County Herald, Wilde Times, The Gamut, and The Fringe. Born in New York City, the former stage actor and prize-winning author now lives with his wife in Seaside, California. Ted is currently working on a collection of short stories. He In Me, available from PublishAmerica, is his first published novel.