May 2010

The Head Fool Speaks

May 1, 2010

My butt hurts, I’m sweating, left leg—no, right leg—better yet, make it both legs ache. I’ve been going to the gym for six months now since my doctors told me to exercise and lose weight or have difficulty in my old age. It seems to them having diabetes, high blood pressure, and a few stents [...]

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Editor’s Note

May 1, 2010

Happy May, faithful readers. This month brings you two articles devoted to mothers and motherhood, “Mind-Bending Motherhood” by Denise Aisling and “I Should Have Been a Bad Kid” by Robyn Justo. Rosie Sorenson dishes on pancake therapy (mmm, pancakes); John Sammon considers the differences between “winners” and “losers”; Tom Burns continues to champion his “Running [...]

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Mind-Bending Motherhood

May 1, 2010

I was the original late bloomer. Whether it was dating, marriage, career, or motherhood, I was slow on the draw. I even emerged from the womb two weeks behind schedule, and would probably still be in utero were it not for modern medicine; in ‘61 that was defined as castor oil. Apparently it’s true that [...]

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Pancake Therapy

May 1, 2010

Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Pancake and Waffle Mix. OMG! Eating these addictive pancakes reminds me of heroin, not that I’ve ever used heroin, but the way I’ve heard it described—that irresistibly good feeling—is not unlike the delicious serotonin high that I’ve gotten from these pancakes. Yes, they’re THAT good, and if you know what’s good for [...]

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Sammon Says: What Is a Winner or Loser?

May 1, 2010

A favorite insult is to call someone you’re not impressed with or want to ridicule a “loser.” What is a loser? Let’s assume it’s accurate. What are you losing if you’re a “loser?” Not being a loser to most people must simply mean the attainment of money and the purchase of things. Things purchased are [...]

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Adventures With Rex: The Running of the Dachshunds

May 1, 2010

I was sipping coffee with my friends, “taking the waters” as we do every morning at East Village Coffee Lounge. I had been relating the story of an old girlfriend, who had either a large pink mole or a third nipple on her chest. I never felt comfortable bringing up the subject with her, and [...]

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The Expiration Date: I Should Have Been a Bad Kid

May 1, 2010

When I was a baby, Mom had a hard time keeping me still, and one day I did a back flip out of her arms and landed on my head on a silver box. The doc said that I was fine. The box, however, was not, which is a testament to the hardness of my [...]

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Posing As Normal: Right to Bear and Date Arms

May 1, 2010

Did you hear about the Korean guy who married a pillow? He joined in holy matrimony with a body pillow imprinted with a female cartoon character. I wonder, was it Marge Simpson? Or Dilbert’s co-worker Alice with the big hair? I’m not a betting man—actually, not a man at all, despite a couple of rogue [...]

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Jason The Fool

May 1, 2010

The Festival Booth Diary 8:00 a.m., Friday, May 5.  The nice, church-going lady inched up to me as I arranged my booth in spot 115 and stood there, watching me unload books under a dark sky threatening to make the annual Mushroom Festival wet, and wet books aren’t much fun… or buyable. “What are you [...]

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Bad Boy’s Bad-Ass Past

May 1, 2010

Do you fellas, middle-aged and up, look back on your tossed salad days and wish you could change the way you were? If so, you’ll understand where I’m coming from. Say you stumble on a snapshot of a young pee-pee faced dude with sideburns and purple shades, peeking through that mop of hair he refused [...]

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Slug Fest

May 1, 2010

I already know what you’re thinking. Here we are, slap dab center of the baseball drought, and you’re thinking I’m going to cheer myself out of my mid-winter funk by writing some fantasy piece about the Giants slugging out a World Series win this year. Well, you’re wrong—or mostly wrong. I mean, I do have [...]

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The Redneck Review

May 1, 2010

Tastes Like Chicken Sitting on the couch last night stuffing my face full of candy, I reached a surprising conclusion. There, gripped firmly between my thumb and index finger, was one of the greatest scientific breakthroughs of the 21st century. I’m referring, of course, to Jelly Belly’s gourmet jellybeans. Each hardened sugary piece is carefully [...]

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The Impetuous Fool:Pedigrees and Crossbreeds

May 1, 2010

How many of you own dogs? I love dogs. Aren’t they great? Ahhh, but how many of you own purebred, pedigreed dogs? People can go crazy with stuff like that, and that’s putting it mildly. If you ever go to one of those dog shows, it almost feels like you’re at a psychiatric outpatient seminar. [...]

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Tony’s Ticklers

May 1, 2010

The Devil’s Match The Devil walked into a crowded bar. Within seconds the bar emptied with people running out screaming all over the place, all except for one old man hunched over the bar. The Devil wandered across to the old man and said, “Do you know who I am?” The old man took another [...]

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Ye Olde Limerick Corner

May 1, 2010

So we lost our first bout with L.A. But we rebounded strong the next day Giants’ record is best Above ALL the rest So no doubt we’ll keep Dodgers at bay. Giants’ hopes for a Series shine brightly although their lead pitcher’s unsightly Put a Timmy wig on if you’re Lincecum fond It’s his pitching [...]

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Best of The Inbox

May 1, 2010

Foolish Quiz Are you the weakest link? Below are four questions. You have to answer them quickly. Don’t take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let’s find out just how clever you really are. Ready? First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in? [...]

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Fool-O-Scope

May 1, 2010

May birthdays: May is Older Americans Month, which you will be officially joining as you blow out HOW many candles on your birthday cake? ARIES (3/21-4/19): In Japan, there is a so-called “May sickness,” in which students or workers tire of their schoolwork or jobs. Be careful this month, lest your fellow students or workers [...]

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