April 2010

The Head Fool Speaks

April 1, 2010

Happy April! This paper has taken on a life of its own. There is too much to do and not enough time to get it done. We are looking for a few people who enjoy Foolish Times and would like to join our team. We need part- and full-time salespeople. If you’re interested, please contact [...]

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Editor’s Note

April 1, 2010

Have you heard about the plans to build a casino at Point Lobos? In case you haven’t, a group called CISOPLOG (Citizens In Support Of Point Lobos Gaming) is exploiting a loophole in the State Parks law that forbids private enterprise on park land EXCEPT “when belief is held by a sufficient number of investors [...]

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Adventures With Rex: The Census Taker

April 1, 2010

It was a quiet Saturday morning for Rexie and me. A knock at the door interrupted my new video of “Eskimo Girls Gone Wild,” so I got up and answered the door. A man with a briefcase and a badge around his neck peered in through the screen door. “Yes?” I said. “What are you [...]

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Posing as Normal: CEO, CFO, E-I-E-I-O

April 1, 2010

Good morning, class. Can you say “global platform” without gagging? Very good! Now, wrap your tongues around the following mission statement, if you will. “Our consumer-centric model of cost containment seeks to optimize and empower broad-based initiatives with superior adherence to multi-faceted, top-tier performance while aggressively maximizing an outstanding portfolio of core values and strategic [...]

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Sammon Says: Golden Gate Gripes

April 1, 2010

What do you do when you haven’t taken a vacation for years, and you’re so overworked you can’t remember your name? Do something stressful. I’m being facetious. But not much. I wanted to go to the South Seas and become a bearded Paul Gauguin, but agreed to a lesser trip to San Francisco for two [...]

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Ye Olde Limerick Corner

April 1, 2010

Now that finally Spring Training is on my Lincecum jersey I’ll don Giants hopeful and proud I’ll join shouting out loud when Sandoval’s ball’s going gone! I know we can win it this year Of the Dodgers we’ve nothing to fear We’ve got pitching galore and new blood to outscore that sad LA Blue baseball [...]

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Tony’s Ticklers

April 1, 2010

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised, and he’s walking with a limp. “What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender. “Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,” says [...]

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Fool Laughs

April 1, 2010

The funniest jokes we could find on short notice. The Country Boy and His Father A country boy and his father were visiting the city for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially two shiny, silver walls in the hotel lobby that slid apart and back together again. The [...]

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The Impetuous Fool: TIPS FOR NAMING YOUR KIDS

April 1, 2010

“When I was in third grade, I had a friend who was named after his own grandfather. My friend’s name was Gramps Jenkins.” Today we’re going to discuss naming your children. Maybe you already have children. Some of you are praying daily that you never have children. The fact is, most of you were kids [...]

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The Blue-Collar Columnist: Black and Brown Friday

April 1, 2010

“This was no fender-bender in the world of doggy misdemeanors; this was a major chain-reaction pileup (literally).” The horrible scene keeps replaying itself in my mind. If I had a psychologist, I’m sure I’d be diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. All I can say about the incident is that it was the most horrible ordeal [...]

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Forty-nine Flavors

April 1, 2010

Four pounds of Jelly Bellies? What were you thinking? my thighs wail as I pour way more than the forty-five suggested as a serving into my daughter’s Curious George melamine cereal bowl. First I sample red— mmm…cherry. I like it so much I take another. Cinnamon? Those red ones with the yellow speckles must be [...]

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Rest Assured

April 1, 2010

“You can now scoff at your overloaded multitasking brethren who surely don’t remember half of what they have been trying to stuff into their neocortexes because they’re not taking sufficient rest breaks.” Just because I’m sitting at my desk with a faraway look in my eyes doesn’t mean I’m goofing off. On the contrary, I [...]

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Jason the Fool: Foosball

April 1, 2010

“A faux sport is any sport-like activity played while drinking beer; guys like faux sports because they mix sports and beer in such a way that we still think we’re good at something.” My wife called me at work. That’s not unusual; she often calls, which usually leads me do things I normally would rather [...]

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The Redneck Review: Thicker Than Water

April 1, 2010

“Bickering with relatives is no longer limited to the Christmas holidays in my family. It now provides us with year-round entertainment.” We survived yet another family vacation last week. Each summer, for the past four years, we have embarked on a journey to the Sunshine State for some fun and relaxation. And prior to packing [...]

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Bliss Bunnies

April 1, 2010

“Bliss bunnies never sleep. They tend to trip over their eyes and ears a lot, because their eyes are wide and their ears are long and floppy.” There is a huge population of “bliss bunnies” running around in my head, scurrying frantically to and fro. They copulate frequently, breeding bliss. They have fuzzy tails that [...]

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Best of the Inbox

April 1, 2010

Punny Stuff Here are some annual winners in the International Pun Contest: 1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.” 2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!” [...]

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Foolish Times Classic Pick for April: Steinbeck’s Other Pals

April 1, 2010

“Reba: Hooker with a heart of zinc, deleted by editors when Steinbeck refused to give her a heart of gold instead.” B.O.: Known for his poor personal hygiene. Mentioned in original draft of “Cannery Row” (volume 2, “Wave Street”). It was said you could smell him coming, even on a street with five working canneries. [...]

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