March 2010

The Head Fool Speaks

March 1, 2010

Ha! Ha! That’s it for the humor this month. We will be reducing the amount of laughs by one-third in future issues of FT. We received an email from the Monterey County Chiropractic review board. It seems there’s been a 200% increase in slipped disks since the first of the year, and 86.5% of those [...]

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Editor’s Note

March 1, 2010

Happy March, faithful ones. We’re gearing up for our April Fools’ Day reading at Café 316, so check out the ad in this issue for details. Speaking of this issue, we’re proud to present local writer Ted Gargiulo’s “Bedlam in Carmel,” the true story of an author’s first book signing/reading, which took place at the [...]

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The Expiration Date: We Are the Avatars

March 1, 2010

In the beginning was the Word, and Microsoft did not create it. Our lives are being continually downloaded with words and data that are exponentially increasing in both volume and speed: Facebook, that narcissistic playground for adult children who no longer feel comfortable in public screaming “Mommy, Mommy, look what I can do!” and have [...]

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Sammon Says: The Word “Platonic” Swings the Other Way

March 1, 2010

Most words that began free of sexual meaning and evolved in modern times to a sexual connotation, for example, the words “gay” and “slut,” started out innocently enough. Gay used to mean a happy person, and slut meant a woman with soiled clothing, not necessarily one who committed adultery. It is therefore somewhat fitting and [...]

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Bedlam in Carmel

March 1, 2010

“Wouldn’t it be a hoot, I thought, if everyone within the sound of my voice had dropped what they were doing to listen to me read?” On Saturday, December 11th, 2004, I gave my very first book reading/signing at the Thunderbird Bookstore in Carmel, California. I tell you, there has never been, nor will there [...]

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Killer Apps

March 1, 2010

“I suddenly became the new owner of two huge machines that looked like space capsules, complete with 747 consoles. A lot had changed at Whirlpool in twenty-five years.” If prior to purchasing my new washing machine I had read the operating instructions, I would have gone back to beating my clothes on the rocks at [...]

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Future Episode

March 1, 2010

Thank you, Susan, for presenting me with this wonderful trophy on behalf of Book and Cranny. You have no idea how thrilled I am to receive the Axegrinder Award for Writers. This recognition is an inconceivable honor. For many of you, my story could very well be your story. Rising from the slush pile of [...]

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Adventures With Rex: Father Rex

March 1, 2010

I had noticed a growing angst within, and felt the need of a therapist. But alas, and to no great surprise, my insurance did not cover psychotherapy. As I waded through the coverage limitations, I came to the conclusion that my health insurance covered only boils, ringworm, hangnails, and psoriasis—and only if they weren’t pre-existing [...]

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Jason the Fool: Things That Kill You

March 1, 2010

“Singer Isaac Hayes died in 2008 while exercising on a treadmill. I heard the news of his death on CNN while I was at the gym exercising on a treadmill.” The universe is trying to kill us. Pollution, careless drivers, axe-wielding maniacs? Those are nothing compared to what’s in our gardens. Botanists recently discovered that [...]

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The Redneck Review: Bargain Hunting

March 1, 2010

“Haggling (as dad used to call it) is apparently half the fun. Seeing if you can get a stranger to accept even less money for the junk he doesn’t want anymore is supposedly quite a challenge.” “Quick, turn right here!” my wife shouted unexpectedly on our way home from church last Sunday. “Where?” I replied, [...]

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Lost Journal: Ask Your Doctor About Stuffacil!

March 1, 2010

Having never kept an actual journal, Mollen writes these columns in retrospect. For each column, he chooses a different day in his lifetime, and writes about it as though it were today. A particular entry may be about a day last week, or Halloween 1980, or the day he was born. Some of you may [...]

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On Walking Softly, Carrying a Big Stick

March 1, 2010

“I follow a variation of Teddy Roosevelt’s advice: I walk very softly most of the time, but I carry a big baseball bat-shaped stick. Not that I would ever take anyone out with it.” I tend to cling to a misguided belief that I can rescue people. I think that I, being very swift of [...]

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Posing As Normal I: Musings on Mammigration

March 1, 2010

“Seems my cleavage hitched a ride with other body parts and migrated south. So much for maintaining property values.” I dedicate this article to the memory of the beloved Disney character, Tinkerbelle, who died this summer after flailing for days on a gummy fly strip. Tink is survived by her somewhat less diminutive sister, Tankerbelle. [...]

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Posing As Normal II: Freezin’ My Ash Off

March 1, 2010

“With our new Baked Alaska package, we’ll gladly toast you crispy, sweep you into an ice cream cone, and then freeze your sorry ash.” “Ode to an Amaryllis” What a thrill to see your first leaf, and your blooms will soon be a treat. But this phase in between? Budded stalk, you’re obscene! Can I [...]

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Local Man Plans New World Class Event For Monterey

March 1, 2010

DATELINE—Monterey, CA Local mild-mannered real estate broker Tom Burns has unveiled plans to put Monterey on the map. In an exclusive interview, Mr. Burns shares his exciting, ambitious plans. FT: We at Foolish Times are eager to hear your idea. It has something to do with dogs? TB: Yes. FT: Could you be more specific? [...]

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Fool-O-Scope March

March 1, 2010

March birthdays: As you celebrate your birthday this March, remember that your greatest fortune is the large number of friends you have. Don’t worry about the fact that most of them are prison pen-pals. Worry instead about when they get out. ARIES (3/21-4/19): Nature, time, and patience are the three best physicians. Lucky for you. [...]

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Foolish Laughs

March 1, 2010

Steal these jokes. The Loan One day while at her job as a bank loan officer, Patty Black had a frog hop onto her desk and say, “I would like to apply for a lily-pad improvement loan.” Patty looked incredulously at the frog and said, “I’m sorry, we don’t loan money to frogs.” The frog [...]

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