February 2010

The Head Fool Speaks!

February 1, 2010

Once again the Monterey Symphony has been gracious enough to give F.T. readers (because you can) tickets to their February concert (check out the full-page ad in this issue). All you have to do is be the 4th, 10th, 15th, or 20th person or reasonable facsimile to email us at tickets@foolishtimes.net. Here’s the hard part: [...]

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Editors Note February

February 1, 2010

Greetings, faithful reader. This issue features the return of the Redneck Review (thanks to all the rednecks who have been inquiring about it) and a new column from one of our more recent discoveries, Deborah J. Rebolloso (“You’re Wearing THAT?”), also known as Deb Reb. Thanks to the Monterey Symphony for offering free tickets once [...]

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Posing as Normal: Let Us Prey

February 1, 2010

“The current Edward is a lanky dude with an attitude darker than my ex’s chest hair and a brow ridge that would dwarf a park pavilion.” Furtive glances, brooding pouts, and cryptic comments, interfaced with fabulous tap dancing and glass-shattering vocals. Yes, kids, it’s a toothy parade of hungry, prowling adjectives describing “Twilight: The Musical.” [...]

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Sammon Says: How to Become God in Five Easy Lessons

February 1, 2010

Let’s face it. We all want personal success. The top job. Every greedy, lying, cheating, no-good, corporate bastard vice president or politician wants to move up. You know. The kind who would steal fifty dollars off their mother’s bureau drawer while her back was turned. A person who would embezzle their own company. Or deceive [...]

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My Not-So-Funny Valentine

February 1, 2010

“I spent most of my life Valentine-deficient, and wasted a good deal of brainpower wondering why.” Throughout my life, Valentine’s Day has presented me a mixed bag of emotions. Secretly I always hoped for a mixed bag of jewels, but all that ever came my way was emotions. I loved the notion of it: flowers, [...]

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Oprah Failure 2.0

February 1, 2010

Well, the truth is finally out. My life is of no interest to Oprah. I know this because I periodically check her website to see what types of guests and topics she’s looking for just in case I might be eligible to make an appearance. So far, not so good. Makes me feel like a [...]

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Ye Olde Limerick Corner

February 1, 2010

Valentine’s day is near, it’s time to tell those who are dear just how much we love them there’s nothing above them as shown by this cheap souvenir The Super Bowl is a great game though sometimes it can be quite lame turn into a rout a gigantic blowout making everyone ask why they came [...]

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Keep Your Eye on the Ball (or You’ll Catch the Ball with Your Eye)

February 1, 2010

I’ve gone bowling twice in the past week with my boyfriend, Jonathan. Neither of us had been bowling for thirty years, and it was long past time to give our abysmal heavy ball-rolling skills another shot. When I was a teenager, I bowled frequently and miserably. The highest score I ever achieved was a 76—and [...]

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The Redneck Review ~ The More the Merrier

February 1, 2010

“Holy crap!” The words slipped out of my mouth before I had time to think. “Holy crap?” my wife repeated back to me. “That’s what you have to say about us having another baby?” I couldn’t help it. It’s the only thing I could muster through the shock. My mind and body had suddenly gone [...]

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Adventures with Rex ~ A Valentine for Millie (repeat)

February 1, 2010

Editor’s note: Because of Valentine’s Day, we’re rerunning this popular Rex story from a few years back. “Rex, it’s time to think about a Valentine’s gift for Millie. She’s your main squeeze, so we have to get an appropriate gift for her. Last year’s Valentine was a dud, if you recall. We got her a [...]

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Foolish Jr. Laughs

February 1, 2010

“Jokes for the Grandkids” Why did the boy study in an airplane? He wanted a higher education! What kind of hair does the ocean have? Wavy! What runs but never walks? Water! How do you make a milk shake? Give it a good scare! Why did the clock get sick? It was run down!

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Best of the Inbox

February 1, 2010

Riddles Test your brilliance. Answers follow below. 1. If a plane crashed on the border of England and Scotland, where would they bury the survivors? 2. You’re a bus driver. At the first stop, 4 people get on. At the second stop, 8 people on, at the third stop, 2 people get off and, at [...]

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Little Johnny and the Evils of Liquor

February 1, 2010

Little Johnny’s chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. “Now, class. Observe what happens to the two worms,” said the teacher, putting the first worm in the glass of [...]

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Lost Journal

February 1, 2010

Having never kept an actual journal, Mollen writes these columns in retrospect. For each column, he chooses a different day in his lifetime, and writes about it as though it were today. A particular entry may be about a day last week, or Halloween 1980, or the day he was born. Some of you may [...]

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FOOL-O-SCOPE February

February 1, 2010

February birthdays: February sometimes has 29 days and sometimes 28 days. It also is pronounced with or without the first “r.” Since this month is so lax, celebrate your birthday whenever the hell you want! ARIES (3/21-4/19): Ever see the movie “Groundhog Day,” in which Bill Murray re-lives the same day over and over? Well, [...]

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Jason the Fool ~ Fear? Panic? Ah, the Life of a Husband

February 1, 2010

I sat on the couch. The flashing glow of a sitcom about a stupid husband and his hot wife bounced off my face in a room darkened by the late, late hour of 8 p.m. My hot wife was already in bed. Hey, to the parents of two kids under five years old, 8 p.m. [...]

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Classic Pick: GOLF ETIQUETTE TIPS

February 1, 2010

The Monterey Peninsula is well known as “the golf capital of the world.” Yet even in these parts there are players who ignore many basic rules of golf etiquette. I present the following reminders for your next trip to Pebble Beach: If someone is playing alone, etiquette requires you to invite them to join your [...]

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