[Editor’s note: This column was supposed to run last month. Pretend it’s December.]
Mrs. Claus, we know you are very busy at this time of the year. We would like to ask you a few questions to help people know you a bit better. It has been said that behind every great man is a great woman.
*Do you believe you contribute anything special as a woman?
I have a bit of women’s intuition, but it is difficult to anticipate which toys will be the hot toys of the season. I’d need more than ESP to figure that out.
*Do you prefer to be in the company of others?
I must admit that elves can wear on a person’s nerves, always wanting raises, holidays off, and threatening to strike during the December rush. But for the most part, we all get along.
*Do you tend to avoid social relationships?
I don’t think Santa would like it much if I didn’t. However, I have been known to post on social networks like Facebook or do an occasional Tweet. Does that count?
*Do you think you take advantage of the elves or use them?
I beg your pardon. All our elves are here because they want to be and they can leave at any time. Where else can they get cooking like mine as a side benefit?
*Are you suspicious that people may be doing things behind your back?
I wouldn’t last long if I was the suspicious type with Santa out cavorting all over the country all night.
*Do you tend to choose jobs that are below your skill level?
Heavens, no! It takes a lot of management skill, business knowledge, and human relations skill to be an Assistant CEO. I could stand up to scrutiny by anyone, even Donald Trump.
*Are you considered a bit “eccentric” by other people?
Well, how many other people do you know, not counting Taylor Swift and Santa, who are running around in boots and red velvet?
*Have people accused you of being cruel to animals?
Oh, those PETA people are always saying we abuse the reindeer by keeping them up all night and making them fly too far. But we could never do it with a helicopter.
*Are you prone to bouts of anger?
What has Santa told you, anyhow? If those stupid elves would remember their responsibilities instead of playing with the toys, I wouldn’t have to yell at them.
*Do you consider yourself as having a strong need for approval?
Who doesn’t like approval? People can be contrary and like to complain, especially if the elves forget to include the batteries.
*Do other people accuse you of being manipulative?
Santa can be stubborn as an ox at times. The only way to manipulate someone like that is with a two-by-four.
*Are you very afraid of being alone?
I sort of enjoy Christmas Eve when Santa is gone and I can have a night without listening to him snore. Nothing around here to be afraid of but polar bears and they only come around when they want a handout.
*Have you ever done something that you could be put in jail for?
I did hit the eggnog a bit hard one year and tried to drive the sled, but the Mounties didn’t press charges. Seems they have kids too and felt like they owed us one.
*Do you have a big fear of rejection?
Not unless kids start rejecting toys, and that isn’t likely to happen anytime soon. As far as Santa rejecting me, who else would want a fat old elf with a beard?
Well, we are out of time now. Thanks again for the interview, Mrs. Claus. Here’s my Christmas list. Would you mind passing it along to Santa? I’ve highlighted the most important things. And thanks for the cookie.
Copyright 2010 Sheila Moss