January 2010

The Head Fool Speaks

January 1, 2010

Did you hear the one about—aw, never mind. I can’t remember a joke. Two minutes after someone tells me a joke, it’s gone. Every time I venture out thinking I’ve got this one nailed, I screw it up. My friend Bill in NY once told me a joke that was so funny I almost peed [...]

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Editor’s Note

January 1, 2010

Thanks to all who came out for our first-ever Foolish Times humor reading on December 11. A great time was had by All. A lot of other people, too, judging from the feedback we’ve received. Clint Eastwood, Doris Day, and John Cleese were among the many celebrities who did not attend. Keep an eye out [...]

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M-O-U-S-Eeek!

January 1, 2010

Across the top of my refrigerator, tiny ski tracks zigzagged down slopes of dust. Whoa, Nellie! As a renowned wildlife expert, I quickly deduced this was not the usual hippo infestation we endure each winter in the Midwest. While migrating around the Great Lakes, these Velveeta-loving giants wiggle through crevices and into our homes. This [...]

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The Story of Adam and Eve’s Pets

January 1, 2010

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.” And God said, “I will create a companion for you that will be [...]

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Sammon Says – Spirited Boy

January 1, 2010

I was visiting a co-worker at her home, and I was leery of her five-year-old boy, a blonde little boy, because I knew he had a reputation for being difficult. I’d even heard him scream in the past, though from a distance. I was talking with my host. The kid came up and demanded that [...]

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Foolish Laughs

January 1, 2010

The Blonde A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the [...]

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The Feminine Football Fanatic

January 1, 2010

It’s January. Once again, time to prepare for that blessed event known as the Super Bowl. I can remember when we watched the Super Bowl in January, not prepped for it. I guess now the powers that be need those extra two weeks to line up the inexpensive commercials and understated halftime shows. Actually, I [...]

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Do You Poken?

January 1, 2010

Finally, my addiction to the “National Enquirer” has paid off! Because of my avid readership, I won a trivia contest during a seminar on Social Media by answering the following question: “What movie studio did Barry Diller head up in the 80’s?” “Paramount,” I said, my hand held high. “Correct,” hollered the seminar leader and [...]

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Ye Olde Limerick Corner

January 1, 2010

[Editor’s note: Kiri Kiri the Limerick Deary absolutely swears that these are her last baseball limericks until at least April (or maybe March...)] Baseball season has reached its sad end, and I’d vowed no more limericks to send— But the Blue blew their chance for a World Series dance, and were doomed from the start, [...]

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Dancing Horror, or Hora Dancing

January 1, 2010

There are three things that I’ve long wanted to do in my life, but which seemed unlikely I’d ever achieve: To be a stand-up comedian, to be a radio baseball commentator, and to be able to dance well enough that I could do it in public without embarrassing myself. I’ve attended many concerts and weddings [...]

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Karate, Tae Kwon Do, and Car Fu

January 1, 2010

Usually I’m a very nonviolent, peace-loving person, yet I have this habit of fighting with my car. It’s an older-model Jeep Grand Cherokee that was previously owned. “Previously owned” being the term car salesmen use meaning worn out, used-up, and with more miles on it than the Apollo spacecraft. Actually, I bought a bumper sticker [...]

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Adventures with Rex – Rex’s Big Date

January 1, 2010

I had signed up for an Internet dating service. My dating activities were non-existent; I had tried meeting girls in all the usual places—Costco tire store, the West Coast Hubcap Convention, San Jose Jell-O Wrestling Nights, tool rental yards, and even a hip boot fashion show. Oh, Rex has had a gal for years. Millie [...]

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Best of the Inbox

January 1, 2010

The Spanish Class A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa..’ ‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’ A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’ Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into [...]

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Lost Journal – Clash of the Gym Class Titans

January 1, 2010

Clash of the Gym Class Titans Journal entry: April 21, 1986 (age 16) Great leaders of men are created in the horrific chaos of battlefields, the cutting edge of industry, and the noble arena of public service. Comedians are created in gym class. One brisk morning in the spring of 1986 brought together two opposing [...]

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Fool-O-Scope – by Clair Voyant

January 1, 2010

January birthdays: Wow, it must be heavy to have a birthday during the bringing in of a new year full of rebirth, resolutions for self-improvement, and new goals, hopes, and dreams. Of course, if your birthday is at the end of the month, forget what I just said. ARIES (3/21-4/19): An old Scotch tune, “Auld [...]

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Jason the Fool – A Trip to Texas, Well I was asleep

January 1, 2010

Our minivan pulled out of the gravel driveway, headlights cutting through early-morning darkness. My wife and our two little people were going to the grandparents’ house in Texas for four days. The kids, strapped into car seats like fighter pilots, waved as the van cruised past the front of the house and out of sight. [...]

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Classic Pick: So It Goes – Jury Duty

January 1, 2010

I always thought jury duty was something you could politely decline. Like fruitcake. But recently, being summoned, I discovered that “jury service is not voluntary but a civic duty imposed upon all citizens pursuant to civil code section 204.” Desperate, I called my shrink for a note. “It’s jury duty, Jason. You can’t plead insanity.” [...]

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