December 2009

The Head Fool Speaks

December 13, 2009

Gee, it seems like only twelve months since we were wishing each other Happy Holidays. Boy, time sure drags when you’re broke. Anyway, at the risk of not offending anyone (I really don’t give a [place your own expletive here]): HAPPY DECEMBER! Down to business. The Monterey Symphony has donated a pair of tickets to [...]

Read the full article →

Editor’s Note

December 13, 2009

It seems we left off the ending to one of our stories last month (see Editorial Corrections, below). Thanks to all who were kind enough to bring it to our attention, as we don’t read the paper. We’ve included the ending in this issue, and if you want to read the whole thing, as you [...]

Read the full article →

Fool-O-Scope

December 13, 2009

December birthdays: You already know this month is full of Christmas festivities. But did you know it also contains National Bouillabaisse Day, which comes from the Provençal Occitan words “bolhir,” meaning “to boil fish,” and “abaissar,” meaning “on your birthday”? So instead of cake, pick up some conger eel, mullet, and scorpion fish. ARIES (3/21-4/19): [...]

Read the full article →

Jason the Fool – Men, You Can’t Understand Women—Stop Trying

December 13, 2009

There are a lot of things I don’t understand. Like physics, how the Internet really works, and anything to do with women. Seriously, anything. Sure, it would be nice to know exactly why two objects of different weight fall at the same rate, but it’s not necessary to my survival. Understanding my wife is. Unfortunately, [...]

Read the full article →

Adventures with Rex – Death Valley Days

December 13, 2009

Death Valley Days Rex and I were on our way home from our annual camping trip to Death Valley. This year he got to chase wild burrows through the sage, and I think he fell in love with a teacup poodle at the Furnace Creek General Store. He woofed at the pup fish in Salt [...]

Read the full article →

When You Wish Upon OnStar

December 13, 2009

Maybe I’m just being paranoid, but I plan never to purchase a vehicle from General Motors with OnStar. Touted as a system to protect drivers by means of its many security features, OnStar seems more like A Big Snoop, than A Big Helper. Oh, sure, the company will tell you that they can’t/don’t listen in [...]

Read the full article →

Self-Defense for the Distracted

December 13, 2009

Have you ever been mugged? Have you ever had your purse snatched? And that was just this morning. The rest of the day doesn’t look all that good either. (Actually, I’m only kidding around. Fortunately, this didn’t really happen to me…thus far, anyway.) While this didn’t actually happen to me, it could have. And chances [...]

Read the full article →

The Redneck Review

December 13, 2009

Kyle Farnsworth is a relief pitcher for the famed New York Yankees major league baseball team. That is, until he was traded to the Tigers in a late-season move to improve their chances of making the playoffs. At this point, anything less than another World Series championship for the Yanks would be considered a failure. [...]

Read the full article →

So It Goes – Dominican Republic

December 13, 2009

My amiga Yahaira wanted to show me her homeland, the Dominican Republic, where 62,000 of her relatives live. We met them all at the airport, a metric ton of strangers hugging me as their own. The DR comes in two parts: There is Santo Domingo, which rivals the finest capitals in terms of lodging, culture, [...]

Read the full article →

Lost Journal

December 13, 2009

Having never kept an actual journal, Mollen writes these columns in retrospect. For each column, he chooses a different day in his lifetime, and writes about it as though it were today. A particular entry may be about a day last week, or Halloween 1980, or the day he was born. Some of you may [...]

Read the full article →

Sammon Says – Why Ow?

December 13, 2009

Since nobody uses it, why do we have the word “ouch,” the sound you make when you hurt yourself? Where did this word come from? There is no doubt, back in the mists of time, when small men with giant reproductive organs walked the earth looking for women and wearing animal skins, they made up [...]

Read the full article →

Pathos Under the Tree

December 13, 2009

“…and on every street coroner you’ll hear…Silver bells, sil?” Coroner?? What the…? Sure, we’ve all seen coroners at crime scenes wearing antler hats and whistling “Santa Baby.” But, bells?? That’s absurd. Anyway, are you still shopping for a special someone in your life? You know who I mean, that “alpha dog” in-law or the self-absorbed [...]

Read the full article →

The Expiration Date

December 13, 2009

I’ve been a successful businesswoman over the years and so far have lived most parts of my life rather conservatively and used my head most of the time. I don’t take big chances on Wall Street or need the adrenaline rush of bungee jumping or high-risk living. Regarding my love life though, some would beg [...]

Read the full article →

Virtual Holiday

December 13, 2009

Does anyone still dream of a “White Christmas”? I certainly do not. Like most seasonal classics that are regurgitated ad desperatum, “White Christmas” makes the hearer sentimental over sentiments. It leads the hit parade of warm, fuzzy favorites that tease the mind with the most delectable nonsense. Like sleigh bells and sugar plums and mistletoe [...]

Read the full article →