November 2009

The Head Fool Speaks

November 8, 2009

Ponder this: For years now researchers have been telling us we’re getting fatter. Well, if our butts are expanding, why is the toilet paper shrinking? Let’s all send an email to Charmin and Scott informing them of this incongruity. Happy Thanksgiving! Don’t Forget the Advertisers!

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Editor’s Note

November 8, 2009

Happy November, faithful readers. Enjoy this issue, WHICH IS NOT A TURKEY, nap yourself a good football game, keep your hands out of the way of flying fork tines, and THANKS for GIVING us your unwavering support, except for that time you wavered, which we’ve pretty much forgotten about, although not entirely. And keep Friday [...]

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Smoke, Guns, and Monkeys by Aaron Sean Birk

November 8, 2009

By Aaron Sean Birk Working at a tobacco store can mean different things to different people. Your parents frown at you; the mothers of any girl you date instantly fumble for diplomatic words of disapproval. Yet many people are drawn in the door, desiring that rich organic sensation only a good smoke can provide. The [...]

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The Cats, The Dogs, The Crows

November 8, 2009

I’m glad I work at home so I can be with my cat. There’s nothing like making a cat happy to give you that extra buzz. Sugar, my rescued Siamese, loves to lounge on my lap, especially when I’m sitting at the computer. She watches the screen intently except for those times when she’s fidgeting [...]

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The Expiration Date – Terror at 30,000 Feet

November 8, 2009

One of my readers wrote to me the other day and told me to stick to my dating stories and not rant about NASA. But every once in a while, I think something is more important than dating when someone decides to bomb the moon or someone dies and I have to attend the funeral. [...]

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Lost Journal

November 8, 2009

Having never kept an actual journal, Mollen writes these columns in retrospect. For each column, he chooses a different day in his lifetime, and writes about it as though it were today. A particular entry may be about a day last week, or Halloween 1980, or the day he was born. Some of you may [...]

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Hey There, Big Boy

November 8, 2009

I’ve got a nasty mother of a bruise on my neck. Remind me not to fall asleep again on the couch—I woke up lying across a rawhide chew. Of course, explaining how I gave myself the bruise makes me sound one part lazy, and about four parts stupid. So, I tell people it’s a hickey. [...]

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Do It Yourself – Easy Assembly

November 8, 2009

Like Goldilocks and the three bears, we tried out all the chairs for size. This one was too big, this one too small, this one too stiff, this one too hard. Finally, we found a chair that was “just right.” The way my luck usually runs, I figured it would be out of stock, but, [...]

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So It Goes – Televisions

November 8, 2009

Is it just me, or are TVs taking over the universe? They’re popping up in gas stations, waiting rooms, supermarkets, banks, beauty salons, HOTEL BATHROOMS. I myself don’t need a bathroom TV because I keep one in my underwear. “For those of you who owned a Walkman and were at least mildly aware of the [...]

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Ye Olde Limerick Corner

November 8, 2009

Editor’s note: The Limerick Wars of 2009 continue to wind down, along with the baseball season. Kiri Kiri the Limerick Deary submits the following in response to last month’s submissions, saying, “OK, I must submit one last baseball-related limerick to Gene Gene The Limerick Machine, Birdman, and Village Sky”: I have to admit I felt [...]

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Fool-O-Scope

November 8, 2009

November birthdays: Remember, change is inevitable. Unless you use a credit card. ARIES (3/21-4/19): Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is. You know what will make him even bigger? You, standing there trying to calm your fears with ancient sayings instead of running like hell. TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Not only can water float a boat, [...]

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The Redneck Review – Blast From The Past

November 8, 2009

It’s not every day a guy gets to talk to an old friend he hasn’t heard from in over fifteen years. At least it didn’t used to be. I guess Facebook is changing that pretty quickly. It probably won’t be long before people never even lose touch in the first place. But for me, Internet [...]

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Adventures With Rex – Gopher Broke

November 8, 2009

Rex and I were out for a walk around the block. We came upon my neighbor, Jay Throckmorton, walking across his front yard. He had a coil of wire slung over his shoulder and under his arm. He appeared to be on a mission. “Mornin’, Jay.” “Mornin’, Tom. Mornin’, Rexie.” “Ah, Jay, what you up [...]

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Jason the Fool – Women Don’t Know Anything About Guys

November 8, 2009

Women Don’t Know Anything About Guys I knew something was wrong when I walked into the bedroom. Men don’t sense much, like emotions, subtlety, or the passage of time after high school, but we do realize when something un-guy has happened. And it happened to me. A free video rental card, a dollar I’d found [...]

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Best of the Inbox

November 8, 2009

Police Call This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing [...]

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Fool Laughs – A man walks into a bar…and boy, did it hurt.

November 8, 2009

The Three Little Pigs Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order. “I would like a Sprite,” said the first little piggy. “I would like a Coke,” said the second little piggy. “I want beer, lots and lots of beer,” said the third little piggy. The [...]

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Sammon Says – WHAT IS GOLF?

November 8, 2009

What is golf? You take a metal rod with a head on it, and hit a little white ball towards a hole in the ground. Golf symbolizes for a lot of pot-bellied, balding middle-aged men success. Why? They can traipse around the clubhouse and act the big guy in their expensive golf clothes and say [...]

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